Powerful Out Women: On the Campaign Trail Page #3

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of Red Bull, Jell-O shots...

...and Goldschlger.

Remember Dr. Jenkins,

he thought l had Crohn's disease.

There were flakes of 24-karat gold

in my stool for about a month.

[SCOFFS]

l crapped gold.

MARTY:

Was the nicest thing.

-Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady...

-Oh.

...saying that, uh, he invited me

to something called a civility brunch.

MlTZl:

Oh.

Which l think is just a chance for us

to share a meal together...

...and talk about the campaign

and its issues...

...and make sure

that everything's gonna be civil, you know?

That's a lovely idea, Marty.

We're all so proud of you.

l knew one day

your dad would realize your true potential.

Um, boys, put down your utensils.

l wanna talk to you about something real quick.

l wanted to take this time...

...to say that we're gonna be under

a lot of media scrutiny.

So if there's anything

that you wanna talk about...

...any kind of secrets...

...or stories or fibs...

...now's the time to put it on the table, okay?

And if you tell me,

if you tell me and your mom...

...we're not gonna be mad.

[SlGHS]

l said the Lord's name in vain at school.

Mm-hm.

Well, l said l wasn't gonna get angry,

and l'm not angry.

Okay. Good.

l went to the petting zoo

and l let the goat lick my penis.

What? What--?

-Now, that l have a--

MlTZl:
Now, honey.

Now, you promised

you wouldn't get mad, okay?

They're just-- They're being honest.

Okay. Maybe that's-- Hopefully, that's it.

l had a beer with the old biker man

at the end of the street...

...and he let me touch his old lady's titty.

-Oh, God.

-Ugh. "Breast."

l go to the mall and hide in a stairwell

and take photos up women's skirts.

l have a whole book of cooter shots

under my bed.

One time l put a firefly in my butthole.

-Why?

-To make my farts glow.

Oh, God.

l shaved the dog and glued the hair

to my nut sac so l'd look like a grown man.

Oh, God.

l touch myself to Drew Carey

on The Price ls Right.

God.

Okay, that's enough. Stop, please.

CAM:

l wanna thank you all for coming here today.

Events like this give us an opportunity

to show Washington, D.C...

...that we're not gonna stand for the

mudslinging that's tearing this country apart.

Support our troops.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

And with that, l would like to, uh,

take this time...

...to introduce my opponent and, uh,

my friend, Marty Huggins.

Marty?

Thank you so much.

Thank you, uh, Cam. Thank you, uh--

Thank you everybody.

Well, l'm a little nervous. Heh.

l'll be honest with you. Um....

My dad always told me two things

about giving speeches.

One, never say anything bad

about the Jews...

...and two, tell an interesting story.

l have two pugs.

One's named Poundcake

and one's named Muffins.

Good Lord.

Anyway, Poundcake loves

to get underneath the sofa.

And l know exactly why.

Because my wife leaves Milky Ways

underneath the sofa...

...with Hamburger Helper on it.

And Muffins is always yapping at him,

like, "Don't go underneath the sofa."

And Poundcake barks back:

"l am under the sofa,

and l'm having a good time."

And they look at me like, "What?"

The other one's looking at the other one,

going, "What?"

Then l walk in like,

"What are y'all two doing?"

But every day, it's the same thing.

Just barking about one of them

being underneath the sofa.

-That's-- And that's my story.

-All right.

[AUDlENCE MURMURlNG

THEN APPLAUDlNG]

Thank you very much.

CAM:

Thank you, Marty.

Have a seat.

l am sorry. Where are my manners?

l forgot Marty's bio.

Didn't know l had a bio.

CAM:

Mitch, if you'd go ahead and kill the lights.

lf we could draw those curtains, thank you.

Little presentation.

Today we are here

to meet Martin Sylvester Huggins...

...who was born right here in 1 972.

As a boy, Marty attended camp

for weight loss and emotional stability.

[AUDlENCE CHUCKLlNG]

ln high school, he was part

of an all-male a cappella group, Dude Ranch.

At 25, he met the love of his life.

She proposed to him six times

before he said yes.

Together, they have two boys...

...and two pugs,

which, keep in mind, are Chinese.

They're Chinese dogs.

[LAUGHlNG]

And currently Marty Huggins

works out at Curves...

...which is a workout facility

for plus-size women.

Anyway, don't you find that interesting

to learn about Marty Huggins?

That's my opponent, Marty Huggins.

Eat up, everyone. Enjoy.

Welcome to the f***ing show.

[SNlFFLES]

Okay, Marty, you're not gonna cry.

[GASPS]

Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie!

-They're not Communist dogs.

-Drive.

[SHRlEKS]

Move the car. Stab and steer. Let's go.

-Who are you?

-Tim Wattley.

Motch brothers sent me.

l'm your campaign manager.

l'm here to make you not suck.

Now put this sh*t bucket in gear.

-What's this all about, Mr. Wattley?

-Your life as you know it is over.

Your campaign headquarters

are being furnished and staffed...

...and the Motch brothers have put $1 million

into your political action committee.

But these are my things.

l mean, this is my doily collection.

-And that's my sign.

TlM:
From now on, you don't own pugs.

You own a chocolate Lab and a

golden retriever, two highest-polling dogs.

One of them will be named Sergeant,

the other Scout.

They will wear bandanas.

Sit.

What about my pugs?

-Have them put down humanely.

MAN:
Coming through.

MlTZl:

No. That cannot stay there.

You wanna put a live deer in the backyard, fine,

but l don't want dead things--

No. You cannot have guns in here.

Are you crazy?

Dylan is prone to intense bouts of violence.

Marty. Marty, they just let themselves in.

l tried to stop them.

They want me to cut my hair

like Katie Couric.

l want a Bible on this end table...

...and an oil painting of an eagle

over this fireplace, stat.

-l want Lee Greenwood playing 24/7.

-Mitzi, they're just trying to help us win.

-Tim, where you going?

MlTZl:
No, no, no.

You do not take down my family.

Mr. Wattley, what are you doing?

That's my wardrobe.

Not anymore, it's not.

From now on,

you wear Men's Wearhouse for formal...

...and the Greg Norman sport collection

for cazh.

And for God's sakes,

put those beds together.

No. No.

These kids need some real help.

Either one of you throw a football?

Goddamn it,

what have you been doing with these boys?

MlTZl:
They're homeschooled.

-They're good eaters.

We have 49 days...

...before this district of 700,000 people

decides if they like you or not.

Right now, your likability is at 26 percent.

The focus group words

that come up about you are "odd"...

..."clammy," "probably Serbian."

-That's an old one.

-"He looks like the Travelocity gnome."

What?

lf you really wanna help this district,

the first thing you have to do, Marty, is win.

l do wanna help the district. l love my home.

lt's just all happening so fast.

Listen, l think Cam Brady can be beaten.

But l don't believe you believe that.

You know what?

l'm just gonna call your dad

and tell him you don't have the rocks for this.

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