Powerful Out Women: On the Campaign Trail Page #4

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Hey.

You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley.

This might be hard for you to believe,

but this dog has a ton of fight in him.

A ton of fight.

And when l get a scent, l hunt, brother.

l hunt all day long.

So don't you ever insinuate anything

like that again.

Call me Tim.

Complete makeover, head to toe.

No, no, no, not the pink one.

Let me have a black one.

lt looks like that Precious girl's panties.

Younger, stronger, smarter.

Hit him again.

Oh! Don't do that, it tickles, okay?

Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?

Keep the change.

Like Burt. Goddamn it.

Why don't you clean this crap up

off the beach?

TlM:
Again.

-Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?

-Get rid of this.

-That's where l keep my things.

No, up. l need you up, like this.

See the difference?

-Yeah.

-Here. Watch me. Up. Up.

Swag. There you go. Like a man.

Right, Mitch.

No, l'm out campaigning right now. Mm-hm.

l'm not taking this thing too lightly.

Heh, give me a break.

You know me better than that.

No, l'm meet-- l'm literally meeting people.

Hold on, l gotta shake this guy's hand.

Nice to meet you too, sir.

Okay, l'm back.

Sassy salesman sold me Sicilian sausages.

Keep it simple

and direct questions to the talking points.

-My boy Spanx are too tight.

-They're supposed to be. Now suck in.

When you meet Cam at center stage,

shake hands but don't let go.

Pull him close, maintain a smile,

and then lay some trash talk on him.

-Yeah.

-Set the tone.

Right.

-You jacked?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, l'm jacked, yeah.

-Now you're jacked.

-Now l'm jacked. Okay.

Must be hard running for Miss America

and teaching high school at the same time.

Right. Uh, congressman, l'm married.

-l'm married too.

-Good.

-Looks like we got a common denominator.

-Oh.

-lt's a math joke.

-Mm-hm.

-Excuse me, darling.

-lt's good.

-Mind if l talk to my man here?

-Sure.

-l appreciate it. Thank you.

-She's very nice.

MlTCH:
l just found out some interesting news.

-Mm-hm.

The Motch brothers put a million bucks

in Marty Huggins' political action committee.

Marty Huggins

has a political action committee?

MlTCH:

Evidently. Yeah, it's called HugPAC.

And l saw him on the way in.

They got him in a hundred-dollar suit

and gave him a $5 haircut.

Looks like they just pissed away

a million dollars.

MlTCH:

Mm-hm.

-How's my hair?

-Strong.

Too strong.

Good evening, everyone.

Please welcome candidate Marty Huggins...

...and Congressman Cam Brady.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

Yeah, baby. Looking good, baby.

-Good to see you.

-How you doing?

Hate to break it to you, friend,

but your balloon's getting ready to pop.

And that balloon's full

of your own butt toots.

[WHlSPERlNG]

Are you trying to trash-talk me?

Might wanna decide whether

you're gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave.

-Because your face is like a butt.

-Oh, my God.

-You don't know how to trash-talk, do you?

-[WHlSPERlNG] l do know how to.

-Let me give you some trash talk, okay?

-Mm-hm.

You know what the difference between

your mama and a washing machine is?

When l dump a load in a machine...

...machine doesn't follow me around

for three weeks.

Now you go.

You should take a bath in a toilet.

l just wanna do the debate.

No. Now l go.

You're such a little turd...

...that when you sit in sand,

cats try to bury you.

You have a very vulgar mouth.

-Please let go of my hand.

-l want you to reach down and touch my nuts.

MARTY:
Stop.

-That's what nuts feel like. Touch it.

MARTY:
l don't want to.

-Let me see if you got any.

Sirs. Sirs, we'd love to get started.

[AUDlENCE MURMURlNG]

-l'd love to start.

-Me too.

[AUDlENCE CHUCKLlNG]

-Tim.

-Get him something to stand on.

[CHUCKLlNG]

Thank you.

MODERATOR:

Our first question will go to the incumbent.

How would you bring jobs back

to the 14th district?

That's a great question, Carl.

Thank you for asking it.

lt's the first thing l think of

when l wake up in the morning...

...and it's the last thing l think of

when l go to bed.

Jobs in North Carolina mean what?

A strong North Carolina.

And a strong North Carolina

means a strong America.

And that, my friends,

is how we're gonna do it.

WOMAN:
All right.

ROSE:
lt's how we do, baby.

-Yeah.

-lt's how we do.

MAN:

You've got my vote, Cam.

Mr. Huggins,

you have one minute for a rebuttal.

Just like we rehearsed.

Cam Brady just gave you

the old D.C. Dip and Twirl.

Just danced around the question.

Well, l'm here to tell you, North Carolina,

that when it comes to jobs for my district...

...Martin Huggins doesn't dance.

He rolls up his sleeves,

puts his sandwich in his lunch pail...

...and brings jobs to the Tar Heel State.

-Yes!

-Yes!

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

What the hell?

Let's bring back corporations

to North Carolina.

Let's clean up D.C.

And bring your brooms, because it's a mess.

There was a clear winner in the first debate.

Marty Huggins simply electrified this crowd.

Two hours ago,

this congressional race was dead on arrival.

TlM:
That was real nice, Marty.

-l was jacked. l don't know what l was saying.

-Doesn't matter. You killed it.

-Marty. Here he is.

Rumpelscrotskin,

you been doing so good up there.

Who did this to you?

You could not have been doing this

on your own.

Oh. l want you to meet Becky.

Becky, this is Marty.

-Hey, Marty.

-Hey, Becky.

BECKY:

Wow, you were great.

-l thought you were married to Mindy.

-l am. This is Becky.

Your brother said l could dance

in your campaign video.

l have a lot of experience.

l worked for Jumbo's and Crazy Girls.

-Fantastic.

-Well, well, well. Tim Wattley.

-You really outdone yourself this time.

-Gentlemen. Very spirited debate.

-Hey, Cam.

-Hey, Becky.

Hey, Becky.

Well, if you'll excuse us,

we've got some babies to kiss.

MlTCH:

Okay.

lt was like l was another person,

you know?

l actually have a baby l need to kiss

right down there.

TlM:
What's the matter with him?

CAM:
This is my district. That's my baby.

-Excuse me.

-Excuse me, please.

Oh. Oh, you don't take a swing at my hair.

You little f***er.

No!

Oh, sh*t.

Bizarre news coming out of the 1 4th district

congressional race in North Carolina.

Now, get this:
Cam Brady,

four-time congressman, punched a baby.

This is likely to hurt him

with the Christian right, social conservatives.

Really any group

that opposes baby-punching.

Baby is fine, and he said he punches

like a 3-year-old.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHS]

After Cam Brady's baby-punching incident...

...Marty Huggins has jumped 1 1 points

in the polls.

That is totally taken out of context.

Well, not really.

l mean, you punched that baby.

CAM:

ls anyone asking how my hand feels...

...after punching that iron-like jaw

of that baby?

-How is your hand?

CAM:
l can't even make a fist.

l tell you right now, though,

l'm so angered by seeing that...

...l wish l could go out

and punch that baby again.

MlTCH:
We're getting killed. You're the

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