Powerful Out Women: On the Campaign Trail Page #5

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best campaign-ad guy in the business.

l got something that's gonna help.

We tried to take a negative...

...okay, your recent scandals,

and show the positive side of that negative.

Take a look.

NARRATOR [ON TV]:

Cam Brady has come under fire...

...for getting it on with this woman,

Shana St. Croix...

...a former professional cheerleader

and part-time aerobics instructor...

...who can do this.

[SHANA MOANlNG]

And this.

-Yes, she can.

-Okay.

NARRATOR:

Shouldn't our leaders be men we admire?

We can go into all the great things Cam's done

as a congressman...

...or we can just show some more

of this little honey.

[CHUCKLES]

Vote for Cam Brady...

...a real American man.

MlTCH:
l don't know. What do you think?

-Oh, l f***ing love it.

Shana's gonna love it too.

She looks so hot in it.

Jesus, Cam.

Well, let me tell you something.

This spot tested through the roof with men.

CAM:
l knew it.

-Now, here's the downside.

Horrible numbers with women.

MlTCH:
You don't say.

-Horrible?

-Yeah, that's not a surprise to me.

-Worst we've ever seen.

CAM:
You're kidding me.

-No.

-"Worst" as in...?

-ln the history of numbers.

Yeah, that's lower than l thought.

Okay, now, this is a spot to raise some

important questions in the minds of voters.

We're calling it "Homeland lnsecurity."

CAM:
Ha, ha.

RlCK:
Check it out.

NARRATOR [ON TV]:

Al-Qaeda. The Taliban.

l hate those guys.

NARRATOR:
One thing unites all of them

in their blood pacts:

facial hair.

There's someone else, North Carolina,

that has facial hair:

Marty Huggins.

-Right.

RlCK:
Right?

NARRATOR:
Why doesn't Marty Huggins

answer the question?

Is he a Taliban or an al Qaeda?

Are you kidding me?

NARRATOR:
Why does Marty Huggins

refuse to take a lie-detector test?

CAM:

Why won't he?

NARRATOR:
And where exactly

was Marty Huggins on 9/1 1 ?

-Bingo.

RlCK:
Okay.

There's just too many questions.

Boy, that is solid too. Real solid.

-Yes.

MlTCH:
Uh, Rick, let me ask you this.

Has there been any sort of correlation

between Huggins and, heh, lslamic radicals?

-l mean, at all?

-None that l know of.

What-- l think what Rick's trying

to illustrate with that...

...is there's still a heck of a lot of questions

about this guy.

-Spot on.

MlTCH:
How are we gonna pay for these?

We're gonna run them both.

Let's turn the heat up on Mr. Marty Huggins.

[LAUGHlNG]

Gentlemen, we're really counting

on your support.

The guys at Goldman Sachs are prepared

to donate $500,000 to your super PAC.

Provided, of course,

you pick up the phone any time we call.

That's not gonna be a problem.

lf you give us a million, hell,

l'll let you sleep with my wife.

[CHUCKLlNG]

-And for 1 .5, l'll throw in my cousin.

-l don't know if you want her cousin.

That might drive the price down.

-No, she lost weight.

-Oh.

Mrs. Brady, are you playing footsie

with me under the table?

Nope, that's me.

[ALL CHUCKLlNG]

He's a switch-hitter.

-Oh, no.

CAM:
No, no.

No. l did once. l did once, in college. Yes.

Which we've never talked about.

lt goes without saying,

this lunch never happened.

[ALL LAUGHlNG]

MAN 1 :

This question is for the congressman.

Why have you consistently voted

against campaign-finance reform?

ALL:

Yeah.

MAN 1 :
We all know big money

is running this country.

MAN 2:
That's right.

-Do they run you?

ALL:

Yeah!

CAM:

Hold on.

Why don't we stop all the softball questions

and ask some real questions, okay?

Like why won't Marty Huggins here

take a lie-detector test?

-Yeah. Take the test.

JESSlCA:
Yeah.

-Yeah.

-ls he an al Qaeda? ls he a Taliban?

Congressman, please.

l've seen a mustache like that before,

and you know who wore it?

Saddam Hussein.

And l believe we never caught two of his sons,

Uday and Falafel.

[AUDlENCE CHUCKLES]

l am not beholden to

Cam Brady's accusations.

l am beholden to only one man...

...and that is the greatest American

that has ever lived:

Jesus Christ.

Who happened to have a mustache.

There you go, Marty. Amen, Marty.

Jesus loves you, Marty.

Cam Brady, is it true...

...that you have not been to church

in over nine months?

MAN 3:
Good question.

CAM:
First of all, my relationship to God...

...is not measured by taking attendance.

MAN 4:

Hallelujah.

Well, as a Christian, l guess that it would

be easy for you to recite the Lord's Prayer.

ls that what we're resorting to here?

Gestapo tactics?

MAN 5:

l would like to hear that.

Would you like to hear him

say the Lord's Prayer?

MAN 6:
You heard the man.

-Fine, l'm happy to. Ahem.

lf the media wouldn't mind

turning off their recording devices...

...and closing their eyes as well,

we can start with the Lord's Prayer.

Our father...

...Art, who is up in heaven...

...aloe vera be thy name....

[AUDlENCE MURMURlNG]

-[MOUTHS] Thy. Thy.

CAM:
The thigh.

Thy kingdom....

Thy kingdom come.

The magic kingdom.

As it is on earth...

...in a helicopter.

Give us this day our daily...

...pizza and let us digest it.

Forgive us....

Pass.

Forgive our passes we commit sometimes

on womenfolk...

...with their dresses that are too tight.

Like, that's a nice caboose you got on your--

[AUDlENCE MURMURlNG]

You know what?

That's not part of it, l know that.

Keep your heads bowed, please.

Forgive us for trespassing...

...and do not lead us to the Temptations.

Because we are tired of them

and their dancing.

And deliver us from evil

with your mighty sword and falcon...

...forever and ever and ever. Amen.

ALL:

Amen.

-That wasn't right.

MAN 7:
He doesn't know it.

-He does not know the Lord's Prayer.

-lt's pretty close.

l know the essence.

l think we can all agree.

Cam Brady, he's a mess.

All l know, if you say, "lt's a mess,"

you don't support our troops.

Cam Brady '012.

l was the last one to say something.

Yeah, baby.

AUDlENCE [CHANTlNG]:

Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!

You want a holy war, little man?

You got one.

[ALL SlNGlNG GOSPEL MUSlC]

-Every day

-Every day would be Sunday

Thank you for having me

at your congregation.

First time l've worn a Yamaha. lt fits nicely.

How do you say "lt's a mess" in Hebrew?

[SPEAKS lN HEBREW]

Donkey Kong?

[SNAKES HlSSlNG]

l have the faith in me.

ALL:
Hallelujah.

-Yeah. All right.

Mitch, l could do this forever.

These snakes love me.

[CAM YELLS]

Goddamn it. F***ing son of a f***.

Oh, the f***ing c*nt-ass serpent bit me!

Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my dickhole.

That is painful.

Staple my tits to my balls

and then do sit-ups. lt hurts.

Sir, words like that

have never been spoken in this room.

But the f***er bit me.

l'm sorry, the snake bit me.

-Which means you don't have the faith of God.

-Yeah-- Yes, l do.

God has removed the venom from my blood

and the blasphemy from my heart.

-lt's a miracle.

-lt's a miracle.

ALL:

Hallelujah.

-l can't feel anything. lt's F'd up.

-Hey, you okay?

Hey, Cam. Come on, we gotta go.

l feel like l'm maintaining.

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