Private Parts Page #10

of Blackswell's semen.

Semen?

I squoze it myself.

I hope it's

not too tangy.

And what are you

gonna do with it?

I'm gonna gargle

with this

and say the call letters over

and over again until I get it right.

You think

that'll work?

I don't care, 'cause I love

the taste of a man. Ooga.

["Ooga" Continues]

All right, if I could

have some music now.

Mr. Engineer, please,

some music.

Would you, please?

Would you give us a record,

por favor?

[Disco Music Plays]

OK, thank you.

Now watch and learn.

# La la la

la la la #

[Gargling]

[Saying Call Letters]

There she blows.

[Humming With Record]

Oh. Can you believe it?

You just swallowed.

I swallowed.

Oh, my God.

Waste not,

want not, Robin.

Oh!

I wanna say I love

W N BC.

See? It worked.

I can say it.

W N BC.

- WNBC, please hold.

- WNBC, please hold.

- WNBC, please hold.

- WNBC, please hold.

- WNBC, please hold.

- WNBC, please hold.

Record:

# Stop it now... #

So we gave them

some characters, right?

Get in.

You goddamn

motherfuckers.

You f***ing waltz

in here,

and you think you know

everything, don't you?

Well, I f***ing worked

my f***ing ass off

to get to

New York City,

and you sure as f***

are not gonna f***ing

blow it for me!

I was just

doing character...

Barry, Jerry,

clarify the situation

for him, please.

Page 108,

paragraph 3:

"No jokes dealing

with flatulence,

"excretion, urination,

ejaculation,

or other

bodily functions."

Also note paragraph 2:

"No use of the so-called

7 dirty words.

"These are cocksucker,

motherf***er,

f***, sh*t, c*nt,

cock, and p*ssy."

Now, from now on,

all your little bits

are gonna be under

2 minutes in duration,

and all scripts...

and I do mean all scripts...

require

my personal approval.

Welcome to NBC, Howard.

# 66, WNBC #

# 66, WNBC #

It's time for

The Match Game.

[Game Show Music Plays]

And thank you,

Mr. Announcer.

Hi, everybody.

My name is Gene Sternburn,

and welcome

to Match Game.

We have a lot of excitement

in the air today

because we have

some great panelists.

Let me introduce you

to everybody.

First of all, I want to

introduce all of you

to a very, very charming

and beautiful lady,

the very beautiful

Miss Brett Somers.

How are you, baby?

[Gravelly Voice]

Hi, Gene.

Hygiene, that's something

I don't think you have.

Hey, back off.

OK, and let's now go over

to somebody who I really admire,

the ex-president of

the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon.

[Lmitating Voice]

Hello, everybody. Hello.

I'm very, very honored

right now

to introduce to all of you

a very special man.

He's come all the way

to our show for the first time.

Mr. Jackie "The Jokeman"

Martling.

Well, thank you, Gene.

That's very nice of you.

Let's play our game now,

OK? Shall we?

And what we're gonna do is ask you

to fill in the blank, OK?

Now, I want you

to listen carefully.

Our first clue up is...

blank willow.

Blank willow.

[Music Plays]

Let's go over to

Miss Brett Somers right now.

Now, Brett, what did you

have for us? Blank willow.

The only thing

on my mind, Gene,

was p*ssy.

Uh-oh.

P*ssy. Hey, all right.

Hey, that's kind of wild.

P*ssy willow, that's

what I would have said.

All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon,

former president of the United States.

What did you have?

Blank willow.

In any language, p*ssy.

All right!

Now let's go

to our newest member

of the panel,

Mr. Jackie "Jokeman"

Martling. Blank willow.

Well, Gene, I didn't

write it too neat,

so I have

a sloppy p*ssy.

Sloppy p*ssy!

We had a sloppy and a fuzzy

p*ssy and a very big one.

Are we talking

about Brett again?

All right, now,

Let's keep going.

Now it's gonna get

a little rougher, OK?

Everybody ready?

Blank a-doodle-doo.

Blank a-doodle-doo.

[Music Plays]

Blank a-doodle-doo.

Think about that while

the celebrities are writing.

Here we are. Let's go over

to our Dick Nixon,

our own ex-president.

What do you got there, Dick?

Well, it takes a Dick to know

a cock, and that's what I wrote.

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Now, that's what

I would have said.

That seemed

like the obvious answer.

OK, let's go to our own

Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.

Jackie The Jokeman?

Gene, I have cock,

and I wrote it big.

I have a big cock.

Uh, I don't think you can

say "big cock" on the radio.

I think that's a no-no.

But I just said p*ssy.

Yeah, she

just said p*ssy.

Yes, p*ssy is OK.

It's the way he says it.

"Big cock" coming out of

your mouth sounds awfully dirty.

So I can't say

"big cock,"

but you can say "big cock

coming out of my mouth"?

- That's correct.

- That sucks.

Did you just say, "big cock

coming out of your mouth sucks"?

All right,

enough of this nonsense.

We gotta move

to Miss Brett Somers.

Just like the boys,

Gene, I've got cock.

There it is, cock-a-doo...

do me a favor

and hold that up

so I can see your cock.

Aw, Gene, don't

have...

All right, there it is.

Cock, cock, cock.

I must tell you, though,

we have to end this fun right now.

I want to thank all of you.

Give yourselves a big hand.

[Clapping]

OK, let's have

a little music, Phil.

You did not have permission

to do that bit.

I never approved that script,

God damn it, Howard!

Wait a second.

Calm down, OK, Kenny?

There's a perfectly

good explanation.

I'm all ears, Howard.

Let's hear it.

I gave the script

to Fred.

[Still lmitating Nixon]

And I gave it to Robin over there.

Oh, that's right.

I'm sorry, Kenny.

I forgot to put it

in your box.

There you go.

Perfectly good explanation.

It'll never happen again,

Kenny.

You're goddamn right she's never

gonna do it again. You're fired.

What?

Gather your things together,

Robin. Let's go.

Wait a second, Kenny.

What are you talking about?

She had nothing

to do with the bit.

It was all me.

Pack up your sh*t.

I'm not kidding. Let's go.

Kenny, you can't blame

someone over one lousy bit.

You can't go firing them.

Oh, yes, I can, Howard.

Robin, get the f*** out!

#... A boy could give you #

# Take my tears and... #

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

If you give me

a couple of days,

I know I can get you

back on the air.

Forget it.

They're trying to break us apart.

They're trying to beat us.

That's the whole point.

You and Fred should quit,

and we should go

somewhere else.

Quit? If I quit,

they win.

Don't you see? I don't want them to win.

I can't quit.

- You're not gonna quit?

- No.

You're gonna let 'em

throw me out like garbage?

No. I want to beat these guys,

stomp them into the ground.

The only way to do that

is to stay on the air.

I've gotta stay

on the air, Robin.

You're pathetic.

I'm not pathetic.

Just give me a couple of days

to make them understand.

I can convince these guys

to bring you back.

I know I can do that.

I have that ability.

F*** you.

They're gonna hire you back.

How can you say "f*** you"?

[Horn Honks]

Hey, move it,

a**hole!

She hates me. She thinks

I'm total scum.

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