Private Parts Page #11

She thinks

I'm lower than scum.

She thinks you're

letting her take the fall.

Well, what do you think?

I think you've been loyal

to every person you've ever worked with.

That's the way you are,

you know?

You'll find a way

to get her back.

In fact,

I feel sorry for NBC,

because as soon

as you start in on them,

they're gonna be sorry they ever

fired her in the first place.

You're right.

I know.

Howard, Fred, I'd like you

to meet your new newsman,

Ross Buckingham.

Hi. Pleasure.

I'm looking forward

to joining the team.

Now, old Ross here's

quite lively,

and I think he'll

fit in well

with your special

brand of humor.

As a matter of fact,

I'm a bit of

an old comedy man myself.

I've done quite a bit

of light comedy in my younger years.

Summer stock... mostly.

Hundreds of people gathered

in Central Park this afternoon

to remember former Beatle

John Lennon,

who was murdered 2 years ago

today. Lennon's killer...

Hey, let me

ask you something, Ross.

Were you a Beatles fan?

Uh... y-yes,

l... I was, once.

Lennon's killer,

Mark David Chapman...

Now, Mark David Chapman, now,

there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross.

Mark David Chapman,

what do you make of him?

I mean, he's probably in a prison cell

right now enjoying himself.

I say electrocute him. You gotta be

with that program, huh, Ross?

I hope this was a good idea.

Ross:
Uh, I think

we're supposed

to be having

the news now.

Howard:
Forget that.

Just repeat after me, Ross.

I want to kill

Mark David Chapman.

[Music Plays]

# 66 #

# WNBC #

Are we ready in there,

Freddy Boy?

OK. We've got our next

phone call to Ross.

Guess who's

on the phone with us.

I really have no idea.

Just take a wild guess.

Do it right off the top of your head.

Um...

This is a good one.

It's a good mystery guest.

Um...

What an ad-libber, Ross.

All right, I don't want to

put you under too much pressure.

Hi. Is this

Betty Jean Rushton?

Yes, it is.

Betty Jean, hi.

It's Howard Stern,

W N BC.

I work with

your husband Kenny.

Yes. Kenny's

mentioned you.

Oh, I bet Kenny has.

The reason I'm calling

is because your husband

has been very bitchy

around here lately,

and I'm thinking that maybe

if you gave him some more sex...

More sex?

Yeah. He's backed up.

Isn't he backed up, Ross?

Yes. You know, you might

be right about that, Howard.

Oh, really?

I am right.

Howard!

You ever do that again,

I'll kill you.

I need Robin.

She's the anchor on the show.

That's

what's missing.

You have violated

my wife.

I did not.

You soiled the sanctity

of my home!

What are you saying?

I didn't do anything.

I wouldn't even be

doing bits like that

if Robin was with me.

I never would have even

called his wife on the air

if I had Robin

sitting there.

She's the voice

of reason.

You know what?

You know what you are, Stern?

You're the Antichrist.

- What?

- Yes, that's what you are!

You are the motherfucking

Antichrist!

Kenny, take it easy.

Well, this is an exciting day

for us here in the studio

because we have a stage star

with us.

This is Donna Porter

with us on the show,

and she's here to talk

about life in the theater,

and, Donna, I don't know

if you know this,

but our own news guy

Ross Buckingham

actually has some theater experience

as well, don't you, Ross?

Do you want to tell us

about that?

Yes. Um... I once did

some summer stock.

I know you're very,

very proud

of your summer stock

experience.

When you went on stage

the very first time,

did you ever

get nervous?

No, I was...

quite comfortable.

Howard:
I see.

That's very interesting.

Then, in 1926,

General Sarnoff

formed NBC radio,

America's first network.

I guess you could say

I was a little nervous

the first time I was ever

on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.

Now, why is that?

Can I show you?

Sure. I think we'd like

to see what you have.

Right now, you're getting

a look at a live broadcast

of The Howard Stern

Show.

That's about 13 inches,

and you're licking

whipped cream off a kielbasa,

and you're putting it

in your mouth,

and you're jamming

the kielbasa

all the way down

your throat.

Oh, my God.

Look at that.

The entire kielbasa

is going down.

She has swallowed an entire

13-inch kielbasa.

Look at that.

A full 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow. You gotta

love that, folks.

You gotta love it,

don't you, Ross? Ho ho.

Ross Buckingham,

have you ever seen a woman

swallow

an entire 13-inch kielbasa?

When you were

in the theater,

did you ever work

with a kielbasa?

What he did to me today

was the most unprofessional

and insulting experience of my life.

I hold you and this station

personally responsible.

If you want to fire me,

fire me. Go ahead.

But I refuse to work with

this man one minute longer.

Good day.

OK, it's 5:
35 at W N BC.

Time for the news.

I'm not real good

at this, I confess,

but I'm trying...

Who the f***

are we gonna get?

Beats me. No one wants

to work with him.

Is it Monaco or Mon aco?

Monaco?

That's what I thought.

Monaco.

Well, anyway, she's dead.

You know,

I'm thinking about...

What about Kelly Landers?

Absolutely refuses.

Says she'd rather quit.

I have a theory

that he is the one

who cut the brakes

on the car.

Now, I could be crazy, but I figure

a guy who's been married

as long as Prince Reindeer

is ready for a new wife.

I mean, Princess Grace...

beautiful woman and all that...

but she was losing

her looks. Let's be honest.

There were bags

under those eyes.

In other news,

One of Italy's

highest-ranking police officials,

General Alberto DeCarlo...

Kenny, we're one of the biggest

radio stations in America.

We can't just

not do the news.

My program director

Pig Vomit

gets assassinated

by Sicilians in Palermo.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

I want to pray to God

right now.

Jesus Christ,

who I love so much,

more than anything

in the whole world,

I am begging you,

please...

send a hit man to

the United States of America

to kill Pig Vomit finally.

Thank you. I love you, God.

I'll do whatever you say

if you just make that come true.

[Music Plays]

# Howard Stern, WNBC #

So if we bring Robin back,

you'll behave?

Absolutely.

Robin's my anchor.

You can't trust him.

Kenny,

that's not fair.

And quite frankly,

I'm just a little bit hurt

that you're so incapable

of being supportive.

And, Vin, please, if

you hire Robin back,

I promise you

you won't be sorry.

You have my word.

Thank you.

We hate noise.

Isn't that right, Jerry?

Yeah. Makes me nuts.

No, it's

a very quiet street.

You're gonna like it here.

[Rhythmic Knock On Door]

Excuse me for a second.

You're back.

I got you back.

It's a miracle

of all miracles.

I can't talk right now.

Oh, hello.

How are you?

I even got you an office.

You're all set.

I'm showing

my apartment now.

You're looking

at this apartment?

Let me tell you something.

There are roaches the size of dogs here.

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