Private Parts Page #6

any of these sexual problems.

But I must tell you,

my life is, um, very odd.

I get hornier

and hornier.

My wife, she comes home from work,

she goes to sleep.

The whole week goes by,

she never gets horny.

Robin, as a woman,

what is it?

Do women get horny?

Sometimes.

Why is he talking

to his newsperson?

I'll have him stop.

What about you

specifically, though?

When is the last time

that you were with a man...

sexually?

About a year.

You're serious?

- A year?

- Yeah.

A year,

ladies and gentlemen.

Someone more pathetic

than me.

This is good. This is good.

We're getting somewhere.

This is a good

discussion.

Uh, you know,

I bought a book,

"How to Score with Babes,"

and listen

to what it says.

I think

it's rather revealing.

"When attempting

to score with a babe,

"make sure to wear

tight pants.

"If necessary, stuff

a semirigid, large object

"into your pants

to create the appearance

of having a large penis."

Women like large penis.

Did he say "penis"?

I know about this stuff.

I have no bulge in my crotch.

I have a small penis.

And I've never told

anyone this before...

And I don't think

you should start now.

Well, I've done it.

Now the cat's out of the bag.

But this guy

wrote a good book.

The author has slept

with over 16,000 women,

and, uh,

take it from him.

He says

wear tight pants.

If he slept

with 16,000 women,

he wouldn't have time

to put on pants.

That is true, too.

I didn't consider that.

Why don't you

give me a call at DC 101

if you want

to talk about this.

We'll be back

right after these words.

[Man Yelling]

You're a genius.

That was great.

That was interesting.

Didn't that feel good?

That was great.

You say

whatever you want.

You have carte blanche.

You and Robin must not talk

to each other on the air.

And don't sing along

with the music.

And you know

what else you could do?

I'd like you to memorize

the names of the local high schools.

And don't criticize

Washington.

It's not good for ratings.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like

to talk to Robin alone for a second.

Wait. I wanted...

You know what I want you

to do for me,

is to make up a grid

of all your comedy bits

and the corresponding

days of the week,

so that I'll know on which day

you'll be doing which bit.

I told you I work spontaneously.

I think that l...

Robin...

don't encourage him.

He's better

when he's toned down.

We need you to be

a friend here, Robin.

I'll see

what I can do.

Great.

Appreciate it,

Robin.

- OK.

- Thanks.

I think we should

separate them.

Orioles over the Red Sox

3-2 last night,

extending the Os'

winning streak to 7.

And finally,

today is Memorial Day.

Sunny skies and warm temperatures

for veterans marching in parades

across the metropolitan area.

Highs today in the 70s.

It's 58 degrees...

You know, Robin, let me

interrupt for a second.

I'm glad you brought up

Memorial Day.

I was in Vietnam.

I'd like to talk to you about it.

I had 11 kills

in Vietnam,

and I'm telling you,

I really should've had more.

Officially, I should've

had more kills.

Let me tell you

what I'm talking about.

I was in a gook village,

and I come upon a schoolhouse.

So I grab one of

my grenades off my belt,

and I throw it right

into the schoolhouse.

And I blow up

the whole damn thing.

So I'm out there

counting all the bodies.

You threw a grenade

into a school?

That's exactly

what I'm telling you.

I must've killed, like,

200 kids.

My d*ckhead lieutenant

comes up to me, and he says,

"Stern, those are little kids.

That counts as one person."

Howard, I was

in the military.

I was a captain in the Air Force.

What were you?

What was I?

Yeah, what were you?

- What were you again?

- I was a captain.

That's what I was.

I was a captain.

And what were you in?

I was in Vietnam.

Ohh! Army? Navy?

In the Army.

Did you have a division?

103rd.

103rd what?

I was in the 103rd...

I don't know

what I was in, Robin,

But I'm saying I was

in the 103rd.

And the point

of this whole thing

is that I think a kill

is a kill is a kill,

and killing a kid should be

just as good as killing an adult.

Well, I suppose even if you're killing

children, they should count them.

I got some music

for you now at DC 101.

[Robin Chuckles]

Ha ha!

You're not even old enough

to have been in Vietnam.

Duh.

I couldn't sit there

and not say something.

I knew they had told me

not to talk.

I knew I was going to get

in trouble if I did.

But he was really

onto something,

and I knew that there was

something going on there...

and I just went for it.

Well, this just came

from the FCC.

Did you say "testicles"

on the air?

Wait a second.

Screw the FCC.

We just lost Muffler Man.

Hold on. We have

a real problem here.

I'm just trying

to get ratings.

I am just trying

to run a radio station.

I understand that,

and I'm telling you

that the commercial sponsors

are there once you get the ratings.

There's a big problem.

They're gonna be

lining up 10 in a row.

You listen to me,

you stupid a**hole.

Radio is a business, and

you just cost us $40,000.

Wait a second. If I do a lame show,

it's never gonna take off.

I'm calm.

I am perfectly calm.

D.C. Carpet canceled

because of him.

Well, I've reached

my limit.

I don't know about you,

but my back is against the wall.

Will everyone

just sit down?

I just want to say

one thing.

I really think this show's

starting to take off.

There's a buzz

on the street about it.

If we just give it a chance,

if we just take some time with it,

I think everything's

gonna be OK.

Don't push

your luck, Howard.

Robin Leach:
The countdown to our "Live

Life Like a Millionaire Sweepstakes"

is getting closer.

We're going to

have winners take...

Hey!

Hi, honey.

Robin Leach says we

should move to Antigua.

Oh, yeah?

Come on, hurry up.

Snap to it.

I'm ovulating.

I'm in the middle of

important show research.

Howard, seriously,

come on.

You know what?

You're getting baby fever here.

And you know, maybe

it's a little premature.

I'm about 3 days away from being fired,

the way I figure it.

And do you want

to know something?

You got to think about

the economics of this.

You're gonna be the best morning man

in the history of radio.

At any minute, you're

gonna be number one.

- Is that so?

- Yeah! Strip!

Let me tell you something.

Look at yourself.

You're completely on fire

about having a baby.

You don't understand.

I'm not a piece of meat.

I mean,

I have to be romanced.

Oh, yeah. Please.

Ooh, look at that bra.

Where did you get that?

You like this?

OK. That's it.

That's it!

I am making a baby!

It's baby time!

I'm ready to give you a baby.

Thank you.

Hold on.

OK. Now I'm hot.

Now I actually

want to have sex.

I didn't before

and now I do.

Announcer On TV:

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...

Robin, watch this.

What am I doing?

Uh, having a seizure?

No, that's not a seizure.

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