Private Parts Page #7

That's me dancing

because I'm happy

'cause I got laid last night.

- Oh!

- Yeah, I really did.

In fact,

it was not for lust.

It was 'cause I was

making a kid.

- Oh.

- In fact, my wife's eggs are very old.

They're very, you know,

she's getting older.

But my sperm

is like supersperm,

so I'm pretty sure everything

was delivered in one shot.

Oh, yeah.

Your sperm are fine.

My sperm are fantastic.

I'm fantastic.

I'm in a good mood.

Let's take some phone calls

and see what's doing

out there.

- OK.

- Hi, you're on the air.

Woman Caller:
Hi,

is this Howard Stern?

This is Howard.

Oh, whoa.

Anyway, I was calling

because I have

a really big problem.

What's your problem?

Well, every morning

I lie in bed,

and the only thing

I can do is think of you.

Oh, really? Well, let's see if we

can't help you with your problem.

What do you look like?

Well, I've got blond hair,

and I've got blue eyes,

and my measurements

are about 38-24-34.

Some people tell me I look

a lot like Farrah Fawcett.

I can help you.

Robin, I can help this girl.

You know, we have the most

beautiful audience.

We certainly do. We're

very fortunate that way.

You know what we're gonna do

to solve your problem?

I'm gonna have sex with you

right now over the radio.

Caller:

How are we gonna do that?

Very simple.

I've thought this through, Robin.

First of all, what kind of radio

are you listening to us on?

You have a transistor radio, or you

have one of those big sound systems?

Caller:
I have

one of those big sound systems.

Good. OK.

Could you turn the treble

all the way down

and put the bass

all the way up?

OK. The treble's down,

and the bass is up.

Howard:
Take your speaker...

You got a big speaker?

Caller:
Yes, I do.

Lay it flat

on the floor.

And I want you to sort

of straddle the speaker.

- Howard!

- Caller:
Do what?

A woman cannot be aroused

in that way.

Howard:
No. This is really wrong, Robin.

You're absolutely wrong.

In fact, my father

was a radio engineer,

and he proved

this theory years ago.

You've got to believe.

Now, what I need you to do is put

your private area over the woofer.

Caller:
I can't believe you're

really making me to do this.

Howard:
Come on, do it.

Right up against it

so you can feel me.

I'm on.

Robin:
Oh, I have

to ask her a question.

What kind of a woman are you

to have sex this way on the radio?

Don't answer that question.

Bad question.

You're gonna ruin

this woman's mood.

She might start

second-guessing.

Are you ready

to have sex?

Caller, Giggling:

Oh, my God.

[Hums]

Ooh!

[Hums]

Oohh!

Ooh. It kinda tingles.

See? It tingles.

She likes it.

Yeah, sure.

[Hums]

Ohh! Oh...

[Howard Humming]

She's full of it.

[Caller Moans,

Howard Hums]

Aahh!

Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!

Listen to her.

She's going wild.

You got me moaning.

[Moans]

[Hums]

[Moans]

[Hums]

[Moans]

Oh, my goodness.

[Hums]

Ohhh!

[Laughs]

This is the best sex

I ever had.

Ooh! Standing ovation.

Thank you.

- Oh, boy.

- Thank you.

Robin:
Take your bows.

A woman on the air

had an orgasm.

Have you lost your mind?

But you got to admit,

it was a funny bit.

The audience loved

that stuff.

We just lost Stereo City.

This is not Muffler Man.

This is Stereo f***ing City.

Dee Dee, you know

there's gonna be other sponsors.

No, there's not, Howard, 'cause

your career is over. You're finished.

Come on!

How can you say that?

Dee Dee,

I don't believe it.

He's up.

He's up?

In the new ratings book,

he's up... 2 points.

Howard:

I love you.

2 full points,

and Pizza Shack called.

They want to buy time

on the Stern show.

I go to Pizza Shack

all the time. Great.

This is a great time

to talk

about putting some money

into the show.

I know a guy,

he does voices, he does comedy.

Absolutely not.

This could be a fluke.

I guarantee you we'll go up 2 full

rating points if you hire this guy.

This guy

must be hot.

This guy is

total personality.

He's electric.

[Van Halen's

You Really Got Me Plays]

Hey, Rick.

How's tricks, buddy?

I've been coughing all day.

I feel like I'm about

to cough up a lung.

[Cough] Blecch!

Waaa!

Both:

Oh, no! It's Lucy!

# You got me so I can't

sleep at night #

# Girl,

you really got me now #

# You got me so I don't know

where I'm going #

Howard:

Thank you very much.

# Yeah, you really

got me now #

# You got me so

I can't sleep at night #

# You really got me,

You really got me... #

Howard:
Once the three of us

were together, everything felt right.

I mean, things really

started to take off.

I mean, things really

started to take off.

It was then that I made

a startling discovery.

She's a beautiful girl. You're telling

me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?

Howard:
Lesbians

equal ratings.

Now let me say something.

I am the hero

of the lesbian community,

am I not, Robin?

I guess you are.

I absolutely am.

All right. Now,

let's get into it.

Julie, I want you to tell us

about your first lesbianic experience.

OK.

Tell me about the secret world

of lesbian sex.

Well, Howard, I was 18.

Oh, you were so young.

Right. And I was working

at a summer camp.

Yes?

And I was lying

in my bunk,

and the camp director's wife

walked in.

Ooh, now, that's hot.

Uh, everyone was asleep,

and I'm lying

in my bunk,

and she sees me

looking at her.

Howard:
And then

what happens?

She, like, signals

for me to go with her.

What are you sleeping in?

'Cause this is

what I picture.

Little cotton panties,

a tight little undershirt.

No. I'm wearing, like,

little baby-doll pajamas.

Oh, you tease.

So then she takes me

into this tent.

When you walk in, lesbians

all over the place, right?

I mean, a whole lesbian

sex festival, right?

[Julie Chuckles]

Oh, you know it, Howard.

Man:
Howard?

Ohh!

Howard?

Alison on line 3.

It is important.

Do you believe this, in the middle

of Lesbian Dating Game,

my wife calls in?

Robin:

Maybe she wants to play.

Honey, you want to play?

You want a date with Julie?

Alison:
Am I on the air?

Yes, honey, of course

you're on the air.

I told them I wanted

to talk to you off the air.

But, honey, you're in the middle of

interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.

You've got to tell everyone. My audience

wants to know why you're interrupting.

Don't you want to know,

Robin?

I think we deserve to.

Yes, honey... Uh-oh, Al?

I think she's gone.

Alison:
No. I'm pregnant.

What?

Alison:
I'm pregnant.

Robin:
Congratulations,

Howard.

It's my supersperm. I knew

my supersperm would do it, Robin.

You're so blessed.

Julie says we're blessed,

honey,

and Julie would know

these things.

Alison:
Well, I appreciate her support.

Can we talk privately now?

Absolutely, sweetheart.

Wait a minute. Does she

know what she's gonna have?

Is it gonna be a lesbian?

Oh, please, Robin!

You've gone too far.

No offense, Julie.

Please, I don't need this aggravation.

We're gonna take a break. We'll get back

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