Private Parts Page #8

to making out with the lesbians

right after these words.

- Hi.

- Alison:
Hey.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe you made me

do that on the air.

It's so exciting.

Did you call your mother?

I called, I called.

I feel so different.

I know.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm flipping

out, too.

I'm somebody's

father.

Oh, my God!

[Crowd Chants "Howard"]

Reporter:

Love him or hate him,

unconventional

disc jockey Howard Stern

jumped to the top

of the ratings today,

making him number one

in greater Washington.

Howard On TV:
I took a dump of a

radio station and returned it to glory.

Howard In Living Room:

I look like Hitler.

Howard, Narrating:

I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.

I mean, we were gonna have

our first child,

and 6 weeks later,

the new ratings came out.

We destroyed every other

station in the market.

My life was perfect.

I'm gonna grab

this guy's hat,

if they show it.

Howard On TV:

I'll tell you another thing...

Look, watch this.

You're gonna miss it.

Come here.

Howard On TV:

I am Officer Howie,

and there's a new law in town.

We're taking it over.

Alison:
How!

I love you.

[Crowd Chants "Howard"]

Al, you OK?

I think

something's wrong.

Even if I'd put you

in the hospital

and I pumped you full

of every medication possible,

you still would've lost

the pregnancy.

Your body rejected

what was going on.

And that's so healthy.

It's such a good way to look at it.

And in a couple of months,

we're gonna try to have a baby again,

and everything's

gonna go great.

You're gonna be totally confident

that everything's going good

because you know your

body would reject it

if it wasn't going

right... you know?

I have to tell my parents.

Not really.

We don't have to tell your parents.

You know

what you could do?

I didn't want

to tell you this,

but I took a polaroid

of the toilet.

And we can just mail them

a picture of that,

and they can walk

around Florida, you know,

and say it was

our grandchild,

and your mother

will be so happy.

She just wants pictures

to show her friends.

- No.

- You know that.

She just wants to be like all

the other yentas who walk around.

You know, we could name the baby

and everything. Clumpy... Clumpy Stern.

She could walk around with your father

and little Clumpy pictures.

Chorus, On Tape:

# All the weather #

# Now here's God #

Your Holiness.

Howard As God:

Hello, Howard.

There you are.

I see your wife

had a miscarriage.

Aw, don't bring

that up, God.

Please, that's way

too personal.

You tried to have a baby,

and you failed.

Oh, man!

Now the baby is with me!

This is crazy.

Boy, what a loser you are.

Wow! He's getting awfully

personal this morning.

Hey, God, me and my wife

are trying to have another baby.

A real man would have done it

right the first time.

Oh, for God's sake.

- It'll be pleasant today. Rain tomorrow.

- [Baby Crying]

That's my kid up there.

This is God with the weather

on DC 101.

You're all wrong, God.

You're completely

out of line this morning.

I don't think we should be

talking about this.

I went to the doctor with my wife,

and it was an awful experience,

because the doctor walks out,

and there's the kid,

your beautiful child,

and he's no bigger than

the size of an aspirin.

Howie Jr., no bigger

than the size of an aspirin.

Robin:
Was it a boy?

It was a boy, yes.

He had a little tiny penis.

And then you look at him,

and he's in the formaldehyde jar.

And I said to my wife,

"Honey, don't be upset

that Howard Jr.'s

in a formaldehyde jar.

We're gonna take him out of

this office, we'll bring him home,

and next week we'll bring him

to the zoo in a stroller."

Oh, please!

I don't want to talk

about it, Robin.

I really think

you need counseling.

I'm gonna play a record.

DC 101.

We got some great tunes

for you this morning,

and then Robin will analyze me

when we get back from this song.

Very sad music.

[Taps Plays]

Not that, Fred.

Play something else, please.

For God's sake.

DC 101. Here's

rock 'n' roll for you.

[Music Plays]

Hi. Al, you home?

Hi. How you feeling?

You OK?

How could you do that?

Do you think that was funny?

You think it's funny to make jokes

about our personal life like that?

You're an a**hole!

What are you

talking about?

Alison, I love you.

What are you talking about?

Howard, not everything

is for your audience.

I need a life that is ours,

that belongs to us.

I'm on the air 5 hours a day.

I'm trying to come up with material.

I hate going out.

Too bad!

I said when we came here,

if I was gonna win on the radio,

I'd have to talk about everything.

I couldn't hold back.

- Howard...

- Come on, last night

we were laughing about this.

I just assumed

you thought it was funny.

It was funny for us

last night.

Privately, for us.

Alison, if I don't talk about

you and me on the air...

Shut up. Shut up.

The audience isn't

gonna be there.

Shut up! Shut up!

I won't make any money.

Shut up!

You disgust me!

I can't even look

at you, idiot!

It's hard, you know.

When he shares our most personal

details of our life together

with, you know,

millions of listeners, it's...

I wish that there were

more things that could be just ours.

But I think it's right that

I go crazy, you know?

You know, I think...

I don't know.

It's not simple.

Our entire Washington

radio audience has disappeared.

It seems the competition

has a disc jockey

that's caused a bit of a shift

in the listening patterns.

One disc jockey has wiped out

our entire audience?

Can we get him?

I've got such good news.

It's gonna blow your mind.

All right.

You go first.

OK. All right,

That's rude. You go first.

Go first.

OK. Listen to this.

I listen to radio.

I like show.

But don't make fun

of the Chinese people.

Make fun, not funny.

I didn't make fun

of the Chinese people, did I?

Probably.

I bring egg rolls.

What is your news?

What is it?

It's unbelievable.

I got a job offer today

from WNBC in New York.

Afternoon drive, the most powerful

radio station in their chain,

$150,000 a year.

And they said

if I do really well,

they're gonna syndicate

my program all over the country.

This is it.

This is everything I want.

It's like...

It's the dream, the Big Apple.

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Mm-hmm.

Come here.

What?

Come here.

Just come here.

Come here.

My God.

Pregnant?

So what's going on?

What's gonna happen?

Everything's good.

Yeah?

She's gonna

get naked?

Yeah, sure. Of course.

All right. Let's get her out.

Let's do it.

She'll get naked?

Yeah. That's why

we're here, man.

OK, honey.

Hi. How's it going?

- Oh, my God.

- This is Gary.

How you doing?

Good. I'm sorry. I know

I told you I'd do this,

but I've really

changed my mind.

I don't want to do it

anymore.

OK. What's, uh, like,

what's the problem?

What are you

worried about?

I just changed my mind.

Husband:
What do you mean?

You are doing it.

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