Problem Child Page #4

Or balloons. Or ice cream.

I'm having a birthday party Saturday.

I think it would be nice if you came.

We'll see you Saturday at two.

Come on, Lucy, get in the car.

- Thanks. I'll return the lovely platter.

- Thanks again.

We have finally been accepted.

This parent crap is really paying off.

It's a dream come true. A birthday party.

Now we're going camping with our son.

Not me. I'm going to buy a dress

for the party. Give me some money.

- You're not going camping with us?

- Not on your life.

OK.

Junior! This gives me an idea.

I don't see why my son

shouldn't be getting his own allowance.

- What do you say?

- All right!

This is gonna give you a good opportunity

to learn to manage money.

How do you manage a buck?

Come on, Mr Molasses, let's go. We're late.

Neat! Bears!

Don't worry, buddy,

bears rarely attack unless provoked.

Let's keep our eyes peeled for camp site 32.

That's the one Roy reserved especially for us.

Nice spot your friend reserved

especially for us, Mr Healy 5!)

- This is nature, huh? The sky, the trees?

- The toilets.

You're not gonna see the sunset over there.

Come on over, watch on our river-bank.

I'd tell him to shove it, Mr Healy.

It's no big deal. More important,

why don't you call me Dad? I'd really like that.

I want to go home and watch T.

T? What's T compared to the...

...to the call of the wild bobolink,

and that spruce?

That's a pretty big bobolink.

# Old MacDonald had a farm

E- i-e-i-o... #

Hey, Little Ben.

- Kids, the wienies are almost done!

- Yeah!

I don't believe this.

Those are Roy's kids. They're sharing a brain.

The one on the end has it today.

Little Ben. Come here, inside.

Get in here, come on.

- How does it feel, camping with your son?

- Roy, it's great. It's a dream come true.

Forget the fact that you had to go

to the kid emporium and buy one.

We can't all produce six perfect little angels

like me and Harriet.

I only got one, but he's one in a million.

Gee, Roy.

- It's gonna give the kids a scare, isn't it?

- You got me.

- Wait a minute. I got something else for you.

- I can't wait to see their faces light up.

It's so real.

Little Ben, now that you're a father,

try this on for size.

Gee, thanks, Roy.

# The monkey thought it was all in fun

Pop goes the weasell

# A penny for a spool of thread

A penny for a needle

# That's the way the money goes

Pop goes the weasell #

- All right! What do we do now?

- Let's tell ghost stories.

- Let's roast marshmallows.

- Let's light a forest fire.

- Don't you know it's bad to light forest fires?

- That's the whole point.

- I'm gonna tell my daddy on you!

- I'm gonna tell.

- Give him the silent treatment.

- Yeah, ignore him.

Ignore this.

Gross!

This outdoor life is gonna be just the ticket

for Junior. He's gonna blossom out here.

We sure do enjoy it.

I bet you've never been camping before.

It's so much fun.

There's singing. Marshmallows.

And all sorts of stupid humans to scare.

# Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream

# Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

Life is but a dream #

Roy, you devil.

What's the matter, kids? You afraid

of a measly little bear? He's not so bad.

Great. This is great, Roy.

Let's see if he's ticklish.

Mr Bear ticklish? Coochie-coochie!

Coochie...

That was close! You...

Roy?

Roy! Help!

Help! Help!

Stay here, stay here.

- Where did he go?

- I think it left.

He must have learned it from the tourists.

Roy!

I can't get it out of my head that

Junior was responsible for the camping thing.

He was laughing his head off.

Just lock him in his room tonight.

It says that children often misbehave

just to get attention

and we should resort to discipline only when

other forms of positive reinforcement fail.

Up yours! Up yours!

- Reinforce that.

- D*ckhead.

Mrs Henderson, your home is lovely.

- Call me Marion.

- Marion, this is fabulous.

There's nothing more wonderful than

children playing, hearing them laughing.

- Excuse me.

- Did you see Junior's outfit?

Isn't he precious?

Also, Big Ben means big business!

Junior, I got some buttons for the kids

and some stickers for their bikes.

Do your grandfather a favour

and pass them out among your friends.

What for?

What for?

- For ten bucks, that's what's for.

- Sure, Grandpa!

Kids, huh?

Put that down! That's mine!

These are all my presents!

- I was only looking at it.

- You're gonna break it! Get away from it!

- Who's that?

- He can't play with us. He's got cooties.

He's not even a real kid. He's adopted.

Gross!

All right, boys and girls, come on out.

Time for the magic show.

All right!

- You can't come out.

- Why not?

'Cause I said so.

It's my party and I get to say who

can watch my magic show and who can't.

- Why aren't you outside?

- Clowns are dumb.

It's tough being left out, isn't it?

If I give you something,

would you promise to take care of it?

My grandfather gave this to me

just before he died.

What is it?

It's a prune, hardened. It's a hardened prune.

Grandfather became a little senile toward

the end. He thought it resembled Roosevelt.

But the important thing

is that it's a bond between two people.

I've kept it in my pocket for 30 years.

- Ben, I want you to meet the Hofsteders!

- Coming, sweetheart.

- I know you'll take good care of it.

- Ben, move it!

You can't come to my magic show.

I had some magic of my own.

# It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

# Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to

# You would cry too if it happened to you

# Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone

# But Judy left the same time

# Why was he holding her hand?

When he's supposed to be mine

# It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

# Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to

# You would cry too if it happened to you

# Play all my records

Keep dancing all night

# But we were alone for a while

# Till Johnny's dancing with me

I've got no reason to smile

# It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

# Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to

# You would cry too if it happened to you...

# Judy and Johnny

Just walked through the door

# Like a queen with her king

# Oh, what a birthday surprise

Judy's wearing his ring

# It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

# Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to

# You would cry too if it happened to you

# Oh-oh, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to

# Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to

# You would cry too if it happened to you #

Perhaps this was the one step too far.

This could be a problem.

- I think we've got a problem.

- You think so?

We should get rid of the kid

and buy a new cat!

- You're not making any sense.

- Wanna make sense? Show him who's boss!

Here, be a man.

Please, God, I'm so sorry for what I've done.

I won't ever do it again, I promise.

And I don't ever

want to cause Mr Healy any trouble.

He's the only one that's ever been nice to me.

Please don't spank me, Mr Healy.

I don't want to

but you're gonna have to be punished.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote