Problem Child Page #5

So, I'm gonna take back your allowance.

The whole buck?

That's right. Now, just hand it over.

I wonder if he's got change for a 20.

OK.

I think you'd better go right to bed.

Just use this time to think about

what you've done and what you're going to do.

Understand?

I hope you've learned a lesson.

Goodnight.

What is this guy, nice or something?

- Can I help you?

- Fill her up.

Smiley pies!

I ain't had a smiley pie in 15 years.

Now, Cold River's favourite son,

Big Ben Healyl

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone

who supported me in my race for Mayor.

This is the Founders Day game.

It doesn't matter who wins or loses,

just so long as Big Ben wins for Mayor.

When you hit one out and that scoreboard

lights up, I want you to remember Big Ben.

We go to the seventh inning tied.

All right, somebody's gonna have to pinch-hit

for Andy. OK, buddy, this is your big moment.

- Who, me?

- Of course you, Junior. I need you to bat.

Get up, grab a helmet.

Get a bat, that's a boy.

But I don't know how to play baseball.

Now is as good a time as any to learn.

- But what happens if...

- It doesn't matter what happens.

The important thing is that you stand up there

and take your cuts, OK?

I'll be proud of you no matter how you do.

Are you out of your mind, putting that

little monster in the game? I'm on a campaign.

Junior'll do just fine, Dad.

You can do it, buddy.

Nice little tie, moose breath. Bet you sell

a lot of Girl Scout cookies wearing that.

No batter, Cort.

He's cute, isn't he?

Strike one.

If that kid wasn't adopted,

I'd swear he was your real son.

You weren't on the team

the last time we beat you.

The guy I'm staying with is the coach.

You mean that big dork

who buys everyone ice cream.

He is not a dork!

Watch the pitcher, not the catcher,

buddy, come on!

My new car! Oh, my God!

Shake it off. Tighten up that grip, all right?

Meet the ball. Hold onto the bat, OK?

- Come on, boy!

- Good idea.

Yeah, hold on to the bat.

Son of dork, son of dork!

Son of dork!

Oh, no.

Drop the bat, son!

That's no good!

You can't do that.

Whoa!

Drop the bat, Junior! Are you nuts?

Whoa!

Come on, I got something for you!

Ow!

Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown!

Touchdown!

We've adopted Satan.

I don't now what you could've been

thinking about! We've done all we can.

Now, you wait right here.

I'm gonna get the priest.

Hello, Mr Healy. Remember me?

You sold me a canteen.

Boy, did we have a great camping trip!

I caught three fish. My dad was really proud.

Blow it out your ass.

Junior. Junior!

Get back here, you little heathen!

Junior! Where are you, you little creep?

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Father? Father?

Father, I'm at the end of my rope.

It's about my kid.

He's a real problem. He does terrible things.

My father hates him. My wife hates him.

Everybody hates him.

Everybody except me. And I've had it.

God! I've failed, Father. The kid hates me.

It's time I faced up to what I do have to do.

I'm gonna take him back to the orphanage.

No, no, you don't want to do that!

That's the worst thing you could do!

- Can I call you back?

- He's all yours.

- Can we discuss this?

- There is nothing to discuss.

- We're signing him back over to you now!

- Bad parents make bad children!

I'm a bad parent because I hate my kid?

- There is something strange about that boy!

- He is twisted!

- You took him! He's yours!

- You conned us into it!

What am I supposed to do with the little

creep? He's already been returned 30 times!

This makes 31!

"We don't care

about brown hair and brown eyes. "

"We want to take him into our home

and let him play with our cat!"

Hold it! Stop, wait!

What are we talking about?

Thirty? Thirty times?

Flo, did you hear that?

This is a human being we're talking about!

That kid's a monster!

Flo, we're doing what everybody else

has done to this child.

- It's easy to give up on a kid.

- Damn straight it is.

Isn't that what's wrong with the world today?

Everybody's looking for the easy way out.

They're hoping that

their problems will just go away.

But problems don't just go, Flo, you know?

So, the question before us is what are

we gonna do with our little problem child?

I'll tell you.

Something that no one's ever done

for him before. We're gonna love him, Flo.

We're gonna love him when he's bad,

we're gonna love him when he's worse,

until one day he's gonna crack and say,

"Hey, these folks really do love me. "

"They ain't gonna quit on me. "

"I don't have to be bad any more. "

"What the hay!

I can be president of the United States!"

President? Are you brain damaged? Junior's

gonna be a convict before he's in third grade!

Sh!

Junior? Son?

- Unlock the door.

- You said you were gonna keep me forever.

I am. I'm sorry, I just made a mistake.

Trust me. We're not gonna

take you back to the orphanage.

I don't believe you! You only pretended

to be my friend. You're just like all the others.

Junior? Now, come on, son.

You moron. You left the keys in the car.

Hey, he can drive! Boy, that's great!

Look at you handle this baby!

I'm so proud of you, son!

Junior!

Hold it!

Get out of the way!

Left! Turn left!

Right, Junior.

No!

No, don't touch that!

Junior!

Watch out!

# Born to be wild #

Hello?

Ben? Jim O'Connor.

Are you sitting down?

Yes.

Bad news. Your father cleaned out your bank

account to pay for the damage to his store.

Nothing can make up

for the loss of your life savings...

Ben?

Uh-ohl He's lost it nowl

All right!

Private business.

Hi!

- Get out of my way, kid. I'm looking for JR.

- That's me! Junior!

I don't have time for this crap, kid.

Now, the guy I'm looking for is an ex-con

and he's as mean as a rattlesnake.

That's me, dummy! I sent you all those letters.

Man. I drove a thousand miles

to hang out with a seven-year-old?

- I'm gonna be eight in two weeks.

- Don't count on it.

Mr Healy, Mrs Healy, I'd like you to meet

the greatest guy in the whole wide world.

Martin...

Uncle Marty!

Marty, this is Mr and Mrs Healy

and that's the $3,000 stereo system

and the console T.

How wonderful, an uncle!

You absolutely must stay the night.

It is so wonderful to meet

the uncle of darling little Junior.

Did you hear that? Uncle Marty.

We've gotta treat this guy like royalty.

We've gotta make him think Junior's an angel.

He'll leave and take the little brat with him.

Everybody just loves Junior.

For pocket money he helps some

of the older residents with their groceries.

Isn't that right, Ben?

If only he had a blood relative taking care of

him, someone with a natural tie. Like an uncle!

- More meatloaf?

- Yeah.

I'll get you some.

This guy is just so appealing.

I'll give you a hand.

Your nephew is such a delight. He's always

cleaning and tidying up after all of us.

Perfect for a single man living alone.

Are you a bachelor, Marty?

I ain't been with a woman in 15 years.

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