Puccini for Beginners Page #3

I don't know, most straight people...

get married after a long relationship.

That seems to be the whole

point of being together.

Well...not all straight people are alike,

you can't generalize.

Really? Why not?

The world generalizes

about lesbians all the time,

is really gonna hurt your

feelings that much?

Well, I won't generalize about you,

if you don't generalize about me.

You have to admit that there are

some things that are just...

true about straight people.

Like what, Allegra?

Like getting married, that is

the straightest notion in the world.

Please...where have you been?

Gay people wanna get married, too.

Look, that's different.

In straight relationships it's always the

long-suffering woman who wants to do it,

and the man who can't make a commitment.

It's always the woman who

wants a "Big Day" in her life,

and the man who acts as

he's about to go to jail.

That's different than the government

telling you that you can't get married

because there's

something wrong with you.

Of course that makes gay people

want to get married!

In that version is transgressive.

It's radical!

In the straight version

it's just bourgeois.

That's the most ridiculous, crass

generalization I've ever heard.

That's completely and utterly specious.

So, what about us, Philip?

What are our plans?

Plans?

We've been together six years.

Five years!

Three years.

A year and a half!

They met in the Psychosexual

History of the Bay of Pigs class.

That's where they...that's where...

Forget it, I'll just have the salad.

Heterosexual hegemony, babe.

Monogamy, marriage,

the biological clock,

property, fidelity,

misionary position...

Thank God, I don't have to

deal with any of that!

Right, your relationships

are completely different.

No pressure, no communication problems,

no acting out, right?

Completely! Are you kidding me?

Lesbian relationships are

totally different.

Just listen to that word, commit!

That's what they do when you go to

an insane asylum! They commit you!

That's ridiculous!

Commitment is the end of high romance

and it's the beginning

of day-to-day closeness.

It's sticking around when

it gets hard, you know?

Is that why you're going back to Jeff?

For the hard parts?

I'm leaving.

You're out of your mind.

Philip, this is a brief encounter,

if you know what I mean.

I do.

So let's make it last as long as we can.

- So, have you heard from Samantha?

- No.

Did you hear from that guy Philip?

Who's Philip?

This really super-attractive guy where

Allegra threw up on after Micky's party!

Why didn't you tell me you

threw up on someone?

It was nothing, just some guy

who read my book.

Someone who read your book?

He read it when it came out,

isn't that so sweet?

- But he's married.

- No, he's not married, he has a girlfriend

he's been with since college.

I thought you haven't seen him.

I'm sorry, how come

I don't know anything about this?

There's nothing to "know" know.

Let's order dessert.

How come you meet the most interesting men,

and you're not even interested in men,

and I love men,

and I never meet anybody?

Very long answer, Molly.

The tiramisu...

- OK, you sound weirdly defensive.

- Defensive?

- You never order tiramisu.

- No, I do not!

I met a woman too.

How is that, sister?

Life is so unfair!

Being alone you're about to confront

all those hideous issues

that get sublimated

when you're in a relationship.

I never sublimate hideous issues in

relationships, I always act them out.

You know that! I did it

when we were together.

That's true.

I can't believe I just lied

to my best friends.

I can't believe I slept with a man!

Well, it's OK.

I'm never gonna see him again.

What do you mean you moved out?

I'm a wreck.

I can't stop thinking about you,

I can't stop...

dreaming about you...

That's hardly enough reason

to change your life!

Isn't it?

Isn't it? Isn't it a sign

I should be following my heart

instead of my head for once?

Isn't living about change?

A paradigm shift?

Jesus Christ!

If I wanted something

like this to happen

I would have had a one night stand

with another woman, not a straight man!

I thought that men wanted

just to get laid and get out!

Isn't that how most men are?

Isn't that how you're supposed to be?

What the hell is wrong with you?

You're attracted to me,

I know you are.

I am, I'm wildly

attracted to you, but...

I'm sure there's a perfectly

good psychoanalitic reason for it.

I'm a lesbian!

Can't you respect the inherent

boundaries that sexual identity requires?

Love has no boundaries.

Philip, give me a break!

Good bye, good luck,

and thanks for everything.

I have two tickets to

"Don Giovanni" for tomorrow.

Maybe we could have a

brief meaningless affair,

starting tomorrow.

- You're cute.

- Thanks.

- You wanna go out with me?

- No, thanks.

Why not? I mean,

we'd have good time.

I'm a lesbian.

I'm cool with that.

You know I'm very...openminded.

I already have a boyfriend...

I don't want to marry you.

Alright cool guy, thanks.

A coffee and a bagel, Fernando.

Hey! I know you.

Oh my God!

- Hi.

- Hi.

You remember me?

Glass blowing.

How could I forget?

You said I had great hands.

You do.

I'm having a nervous breakdown.

So, I just told him, I said:

"If you walk out that door, don't walk

back in 'cause it'll be locked."

How did he just spring it

on you like that?

Or maybe I said:

"I'll swing that door in your face."

I don't remember

but it was a good one.

- Where is he?

- I don't know.

I'm so sorry, Grace.

That's really bad.

Didn't I tell you

that men are dogs?

I mean, mutts, pitbulls,

- mongrolls...

- Did you?

Maybe I just thought it.

Allegra, let me just

tell you something.

You are so lucky that you're a lesbian.

I mean...men are just not worth it!

Here, wait a minute.

Here you go.

Thank you.

I understand.

Shoot! Actually, I have to go.

You still have the number

of the glass studio?

I could really use a friend right now.

Call me, OK?

She was coming on to you.

- She was, right?

- For sure, damsel on distress and all that?

I feel bad for her.

My girlfriend walked out on me,

I know how she feels.

It's hell being alone.

No, honey. Hell is other people.

Alright, I don't understand this.

She's a lesbian,

but she's sleeping with you.

Well, yeah.

Cool, but...

Aren't most lesbians into...women?

She is complicated and unusual.

Right. Right.

Is she hot?

Yeah, I think so...

Is she one of those glamourous dykes

like from that show "The L Word"?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Is she a lesbian that's hot enough for guys

to like too, or is she one of those...

Woman-Identified Woman types,

like the ones we went to college with.

You can't reduce people

to cultural stereotypes.

- Hi!

- Hi, I'm Allegra.

Bye, Jimmy.

Are you sure Allegra doesn't want to

come in for a glass of "vino" or anything?

Maybe next time.

- I love that music!

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