Puccini for Beginners Page #5

Don't be a fool.

You are not happy. You're a wreck.

You're totally confused.

When can we meet them?

Never.

Nell Michaels.

Philip Russell. Nice to meet you.

- Hi Molly.

- Hi.

Thank you.

I've heard so much about you two!

Really? We've barely

heard a peep about you.

Oh, that's not true! Allegra says

you're all over that Kant guy.

What?

Yeah, my concentration is

in 18th Century German Philosophy.

That is so interesting.

If you like German misanthropes.

"pickle shvantze"

Deee-licious!

I'm an assistant professor

at Columbia now, but it looks as

though I might be moving on

to The University of Chicago.

Well, that's good.

- And you're a magazine editor, correct?

- Correcto mondo.

Have you ever noticed that certain

people always talk about work?

It's such a weird way for us to get

to know each other, you know?

We can talk about our childhoods

or where we're from...

I had a terrible childhood,

and I grew up in Philadelphia.

So, Philip, where did you do

your graduate work?

Sorry.

- Who is it?

- Who is it?

Nevermind.

Let's order.

Honey?

I think you have a message.

"Honey."

Why don't you turn the damn thing off?

I think I'm gonna have the salmon.

And you, Philip? What are you having?

What you gonna have?

Did he just ask her what

she was going to have?

I think I'm gonna have...

the mini-ravioli, Portobello salad, and...

a side order of spinach, and...

some polenta and sausage,

then I think I'll try that

squash with herb croutons,

hmmm...sounds so yummy.

The grilled calamari, and...

maybe a little half baby rack of lamb.

Sorry, I have to take this.

Will you excuse me?

So Philip...

Big fan of Kant, are you?

I am sorry, I just got

caught up in a few things.

What are you doing?

Can I come join you?

I'm with Molly and Nell eating dinner.

It's not that I'd like

to force them, sweetie.

I'd love to meet them.

I don't wanna be separate.

I'm not...I'm not trying

to keep you separate.

I have my life to deal with.

Hey, are you OK? What's wrong?

- I'm fine.

- Hey! You OK? What's going on?

We've waited forever.

- I've got to go.

- Wait!

Who you're talking to?

Nell's interrogating me. You didn't tell me

she was a philosophy major at Yale!

And she speaks German, Jesus!

She's worse than my orals!

What are you guys doing?

Oh my God, Allegra you're smoking!

- I'll call you later.

- Can I have a drag?

- Molly's having a crisis.

- Philip do I look like I'm having a crisis?

- Who she's talking to?

- Her mother, probably.

- I am sitting in the restaurant by myself.

- Is the food here?

- What are you doing?

- I'm on the phone.

Stop attacking Philip.

Who says I was attacking you?

Do you think I was attacking you?

Jesus Christ, I'm having a hard time dealing

with this man in your life. Isn't that normal?

You're mi ex. He's a...man.

Am I supposed just to accept

every crazy thing you do?

Yes! That's what friends are for!

Nell, noone's saying you're attacking Philip.

You're just being your normal...cheeky self.

What's that supposed to mean?

Why don't we all go back inside

and order another bottle of wine?

Look, I cannot talk now!

Just tell me what you mean by me

"attacking" your boyfriend?

I didn't say that!

Allegra, why did you pick up the phone

if you can't talk to me?

Hold on...hello? Hello?

Great. She hung up.

- Who's she?

- Her mother.

You know what, Allegra?

Screw you! This is bullshit.

Why are you getting so mad?

I'm sorry, they do this all the time.

I think is an ex-lover thing.

I can't believe this.

You know Philip,

we can just drink and eat

- while they act out!

- I think we should go.

I'm sorry that you think

I was attacking you,

but you, sir, are in a

very complicated situation.

And you, missy-miss...

Thanks for being

such a good friend, Nell.

Oh, auf Wiedersehen!

That was the biggest disaster of my life.

Ah...it's OK.

Philip, I'm really sorry.

I guess it's not as easy being friends

with you ex's as you said.

Did I say that?

Philip, it's never gonna work.

I'm just too lesbian.

I don't know Allegra, from where I stand

being a lesbian seems like

the least of your issues.

Anyway, I just...

I just think of you as Allegra.

What issues?

- Hello?

- Grace?

- Hi.

- Hi.

I wanted to say

I'm sorry about tonight.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Oh...that's OK.

I'm just...I'm a little bit

sensitive right now.

I'm sorry too.

No...no, it's not your fault.

- I'll call you tomorrow, OK?

- OK.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Have you ever noticed that

women cry more easily than men?

It's one of the things

I love about women.

Me too.

What was you last girlfriend like?

Tall.

Oh, come on! That's all you can say?

Grace, sexual etiquette demands

you don't talk about

one person when you're

with another person.

"Sexual etiquette."

I've never heard of such a thing!

Come on! Tell me something.

One thing.

Sorry.

Grace...

Speaking of other people...

What a cute dog!

Hi puppy.

So cute.

You know, when I was little

I wanted a dog more than anything.

I begged my parents everyday.

And everyday they said "no".

So, one day I went to the store and

I bought one of those joke leashes,

the kind that make you look like

you have an invisible dog.

You know what I mean?

I walked it all around the house,

talked to it as if it were real.

- That's brilliant. Did they give in?

- No.

You know what I've realized

from being with you?

My ex-boyfriend never really cuddled.

- Did you ask him to cuddle?

- No, I think a person should know.

No, a person can't know

what another person is thinking, Grace...

Next time, tell him.

I'm never going back to him.

So tell the next boyfriend.

You're my next boyfriend.

What are you gonna have?

- You know what's funny?

- What?

You always ask me what I'm gonna have

before you decide what you're gona have.

Sorry, that's an old habit.

So? What are you gonna have?

Here's a thing you have to understand.

It's that...men, they can't say

what they really feel or want,

they have to act it out.

They're very hostile,

passive aggressive and uncommunicative.

- That's how they are, Allegra.

- Grace, you can't generalize.

I was speaking from experience, Allegra.

Something that you've been spared.

Wait.

- You mean you don't hate men?

- No.

Then how come you're a lesbian?

Because I love women,

there's a difference.

I want to make a toast.

To women united!

This is amazing, Grace...

Oh! "Amazing Grace"...

I'm so bummed

your friend Nell couldn't come!

No, you're not. Trust me.

Grace...what's with all the

cut-out heads in your photos?

That's him. My ex.

I cut his head off. Haven't you ever

done that with old pictures of your ex's?

Oh, tons of times!

If I did that, they'd be mad at me.

Did you keep yours or just

threw them away?

I keep them. Sentimental, I guess.

Do you wanna see him?

Totally.

- Why do you wanna see a picture of the ex?

- I'm just trying to get to know her.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote