Pushing Dead Page #6

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Give me your f***in' money!

- [Paula] No!

[CLATTERS]

NO!

[THUD]

- (groans) Ugh.

[LOW TONE]

(grunts, gasps)

- You're lucky I'm nice.

- (heavy breathing)

[MUSIC]

So beautiful...

I'm okay, kid.

Thanks, thanks for your

concern, but go on home.

Okay, you're creeping

me out now. Go away.

- Let this be a lesson to you.

Crime doesn't pay.

- Got it.

And what doesn't kill you

makes you stronger.

- Okay.

[SIREN]

[QUICK FOOTSTEPS]

[CATS YOWLING]

[DOGS BARKING]

- [Mike] I call this

one the Grim Peeper.

- It's horrible. I love it.

It's all, it's all great!

- Wait here.

- Sh-, should I be worried?

- (Mike laughs)

- [Dan] I guess if I'm being

honest, they're a touch darker

than I was expecting.

But uh, I really

do dig them, man.

Is that a meerkat?

- [Mike] (from other room) Yep!

- I would, I would tell

you that I like them

even if I didn't

because that's a

thing that I do.

It's a problem for me but

the truth is, I really...

I'm just really impressed.

I mean, it's all really great.

- Well, I thought it

would appeal to you.

Oh, is, is that,

that's not something

that gentlemen do here,

go through other men's wallets?

- Sure, have at it.

I have nothing to hide.

- Good.

- (sighs)

- [Mike] Who's this?

- That is Kevin.

- An ex?

- An ex.

We were together for years.

And then he died.

- Sorry.

- Yeah, what can you do.

(chuckles)

- Looks like a nice guy.

- Oh, he was a great guy.

- You never answered

my question.

- You've asked me

many questions.

- How long

have you been positive?

- A long time.

- How long?

- Longer than you.

- Tell me. Just tell me.

- Okay.

Twenty-two years.

- Twenty-two years. Man.

Long time.

- Yeah.

- You ever been sick?

- No.

Not really.

Okay! Um,

I know that (sighs)

I know it's a little early

in the proceedings to be

playing favorites, but

he's my favorite.

I love trolls.

- Well thank, thank

you for that but,

that's not a troll.

That's a mini-miser.

- It was the number four best

selling toy in the UK, all-time.

Fact.

- That is, that's a mini-miser.

- Do you not know what that is?

- No.

- [Dan] Oh.

- What is this. What was that?

- Ah. That is a thing

that they used to

do back in the day.

First time it happened to me,

I was in New York at a club.

I was talking to this guy

and then another guy,

who I'd never met, came up

and drew a little

cross on my back.

and he was like "Yo, man.

I just had to warn you.

That guy you were talking to,

HIV pos."

(chuckles)

(sighs)

- That's insane.

- And then I was just super

paranoid, you know?

was walking behind the

person that I was talking to

which was a completely

irrational fear

because the only one who

knew I was positive was me.

Still.

- Look, let me show

you something.

- (gasps)

- [Mike] Yeah.

That's my original model.

- I like him very much.

- Yeah? Do you want him?

- Yes.

- You can have him.

He's yours.

(sighs)

- I shall have you.

- (chuckles)

- I used to have this

recurring dream

when I was a kid.

And inside the trunk, I would

keep all of my magic stuff,

because I was

very into magic.

- (breathes deeply)

- And in the nightmare,

this creepy little puppet man

would jump up on

the steamer trunk

But he wasn't a puppet

because there were no strings.

He could move all by himself.

And he'd stare at me.

And then, his face

would start bleeding.

Usually out of his

nose, but sometimes

it would be an ear or

one of his eye sockets.

And you could tell, like,

He liked bleeding from the face.

And then he would start humming.

- I...

I don't think I

want to hear this.

- And then, his face would

start bleeding more,

and more, and more.

And he's just staring me down,

blood gushing from all

of his facial orifices.

Humming.

And I had this dream

every night for a solid year

when I was like, 10 or 11.

(sniffs)

Do you wanna know

how I beat him?

I'll tell you.

I started thinking about

this creepy little dick

every night before

I went to bed.

I would just start cycling

through all of his

demonic antics in my brain

and the more and more

I thought about him,

the less and less scared I was.

And then one night,

(whispers) Pow. Nightmares just

stopped.

And the young warlock

had defeated

the creepy little

faux puppet f***er.

(laughs softly)

The end.

[MUSIC]

- (sighs)

- I, I don't want to do this.

And why did you make

me wear this f***in' suit?

- Because you look

like a truck driver

who'd been living in a

Mexican motel for a year.

Now just go ring the doorbell

and give her the flowers.

It's gonna be so easy.

- I feel like an ass, okay?

Come on, let's go.

- Stop being such a fag.

- (gasps)

- Yeah. I can say that.

Especially if the

situation calls for it.

Now open your door and

get out of this car.

- (mocking) Yeah, sh*t.

- Yeah, sh*t...

- (mocking) My legs and my ass.

It's a journey just

getting out the f... car.

- Ooh, that's a

pretty suit, Bob!

- Suck it, Donnie!

- Oh, that hurts my feelings.

- (heavy breathing)

- Hey I'll see you over there

at that place next

week, eh, Bob?

- [Bob] Yeah, I'll be there.

Say hi to Linda.

[MUSIC]

Are you shittin' me?

(heavy breathing)

[DOOR OPENING]

She wasn't home. Let's go.

'cause I'm pretty sure I just

saw her through the window.

- Who am I gonna disturb?

It's 3:
00 in the afternoon.

- People are napping, okay?

They're nappingat 3:00 here.

Let's drive. Drive. Go.

- It's the neighborhood

nap time?

- Yes, it's the

neighborhood nap time.

[CAR ENGINE]

- Maybe you should date more

often. This place is spotless.

- (giggles)

I just have this extra

skip in my step.

- (blows)

- Hmm.

- (sighs)

I gotta tell ya, it's...

it's been, it's been

surprisingly refreshing

dating someone who's positive

You know after Kevin I just,

there was no way, you know,

I thought I would never

you know, want to go through...

Um...

[TAPPING MUG]

But it's just easier. In a

lot of ways, it's easier.

- Well, Snowball and I

are very happy for you.

- Thank you. Both of

you. And can I just say

I am delighted that

you two are getting

on so well.

- (cartoon voice) Uncle Dan,

I love my mom.

(normal tone) Aw,

thank you, sweetheart.

I love you, too.

(cartoon voice) Yes

I do! I love her.

We're very proud of you!

You're getting out there!

Good for you! (laughs)

But let's, let's

not give up on the

idea of a, of a real man, okay?

Let's keep that ball in the air.

Balls!

[MUSIC]

- (whispers) Don't

listen to him.

He doesn't mean it.

[PHONE RINGING]

- [Mike] Hi, uh, could

I speak to Dan, please?

- Well, um...

I guess that

depends. Who's this?

- [Mike] (laughs)

It's uh, it's Mike.

The only british person

likely to be calling you.

- (chuckles) Well

how's it goin'?

- (Mike) Yeah, good. Um,

good I think. I, I had a

really nice time last night.

- Ah, so did I. I can't

wait to do it again,

like, oh, I don't know...

Tonight?

Hello?

Is this thing on?

[TAPS PHONE]

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