Pygmalion Page #5

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They're all such idiots.

You knoW What you'd do

if you really loved me, Henry?

- Get married, I suppose.

- No.

Stop fidgeting. And take

your hands out of your pockets.

- Ah.

- Don't sit on that table.! You'll break it.

Come and tell me

about the girl.

Look here. She's coming

to see you this afternoon.

I don't remember

asking her.

- You didn't, and you wouldn't have if you'd known her.

- Indeed. Why?

She's a common flower girl.

I picked her up in Covent Garden.

You've asked her here?

Don't worry.

I've taught her to speak properly.

She'll stick to two subects:

the weather and everybody's health.

- "Fine day," "How do you do?" and all that.

- That's a blessing anyway.

Well, um, it is...

and it isn't.

What do you mean

by that?

You see, dear, I've got

her pronunciation all right,

but you've got to consider not only how the

girl pronounces, but what she pronounces.

- Mrs. and Miss Eynsford Hill, Mr. Eynsford Hill.

- Oh, heavens.

- So good of you to come.

- Dear.

- Freddy.

- How do you do?

You know my son.

Oh.

My son Henry.

- Miss Hill. Mrs. Hill.

- Delighted. Enchanted.

- Mr. Hill.

- Thank you.

Your celebrated son? I've always so

longed to meet you, Professor Higgins.

I've seen your face somewhere.

I haven't a ghost of a notion where.

It doesn't really matter.

Mother, look here-

I'm sorry to say

my celebrated son has no manners.

- You mustn't mind him.

- I don't.

- Colonel Pickering.

- How do you do, Mrs. Higgins?

- The Reverend and Mrs. BirchWood.

- What, more of them?

- How do you do? Vicar.

- How do you do?

- Have you told your mother what we've come for?

- We were interrupted, damn it.

- Are we in the way?

- No, not at all.

No, by George!

We need two or three extra people.

You'll do as well

as anyone else. Sit down.

Will you excuse me?

Colonel Pickering, Henry.

What are you doing

with my hat?

Colonel Pickering, I must know. What is

the exact position in Wimpole Street?

- Is this girl a servant? If not, what is she?

- Major and Mrs. RaWcroft.

My dear Mrs. Higgins,

I really must tell you.

The whole thing is

extraordinarily interesting.

This is the most absorbing

experiment I've ever tackled.

- This girl regularly fills our lives.

- We're always talking Eliza.

- Teaching Eliza. -

Dressing Eliza. - What?

She has the most amazingly quick ear

you ever heard of, ust like a parrot.

- The girl is a genius.

- I've taught her the most inconceivable sounds.

You see?

Oh, yes.

It's quite clear to me.

Miss Doolittle.

How do you do,

Mrs. Higgins?

Professor Higgins

said I might come.

Quite right, my dear.

I'm delighted to see you.

Colonel Pickering,

is it not?

How do you do,

Miss Doolittle?

Professor...

Higgins?

Stick to the weather

and your health.

Mrs. Hill,

Miss Doolittle.

I feel as though we've met before.

I remember your eyes.

- HoWdo you do?

- By George, it all comes back.

Covent Garden.

What a confounded thing.

My son, Freddy.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

I'm sure I've had

the pleasure somewhere.

Uh, will it rain,

do you think?

The rain in Spain, they say,

stays mainly in the plains.

They say.

How too true,

Miss Doolittle. But in-

Hampshire, Hereford

and Hartford,

hurricanes

hardly ever happen.

- Do they?

- Hardly ever, Miss Doolittle.

How awfully funny!

What is wrong with that, young man?

I bet I got it right.

Killing.

Oh, excuse me.

I hope it Won't turn cold.

There's so much influenza about.

It runs right through

our family every spring.

My aunt died

of influenza.

So they say.

But it is my belief as how

they done the old woman in.

Done her in?

Yes, Lord love you.

Why should she die of influenza when she come

through diphtheria right enough the year before?

Perhaps it wasn't diphtheria.

You see, Vicar-

Oh, but I saw her

with my own eyes.

Fairly blue with it

she was.

They all thought

she was dead,

but my father, he kept

ladling gin down her throat...

till she come through so sudden,

that she bit the boWl off the spoon.

Dear me!

Now, what call would a woman

with that strength in her...

have to die

of influenza?

Ah.

And what become

of her new straw hat...

that should have

come to me?

Well, what?

Somebody pinched it.

And What I says is,

them What pinched it

done her in.

Done her in?

- Could you tell me-

- It's ust the new slang, Vicar.

But, uh, you surely don't believe

that your aunt was-was killed.

Do I not?

Them she lived with would have killed

her for a hat pin, let alone a hat.

But it couldn't have been right

for your father...

to have poured spirits

down her throat like that.

- Now, that might have killed her.

- Not her.

Gin was mother's milk to her.

Besides, he'd poured so much down his

own throat that he knew the good of it.

- How terrible for you.

- It never did him no harm, what I could see.

He was always more agreeable

when he had a drop in him.

When he Was

out of Work,

my mother used to

give him tWo at a kick...

and tell him to go out

and to not come home...

until he'd drunk himself

cheerful and loving like.

Charming.

There's lots of women has to make their

husbands drunk to make them fit to live with.

Here. What are you

snickering at?

The new slang,

you do it so awfully well.

If I was doing it proper,

what was you laughing at?

Have I said anything

I oughtn't?

No, not a thing,

Miss Doolittle.

Well, that's

a mercy anyhow.

What I always says is-

Well,

I must go now.

Good-bye,

Mrs. Higgins.

- So glad to have met you.

- Good-bye, my dear.

Good-bye,

Vicar.

- Good-bye, Colonel Pickering.

- Good-bye, Miss Doolittle.

Good-

Good-bye, all.

E- Excuse me, Miss Doolittle, but

would you be walking across the park?

- 'Cause if so-

- Walk? Not bloody likely.

I'm going in a taxi.

Oh, it's no use.

I shall never be able to

bring myself to use that word.

Oh, don't.

It isn't compulsory,

you know.

Say What you like,

but I Was ashamed.

You ought never

to have done it.

Perhaps We Were a bit hasty,

but I'll soon put that right.

It's no use, Higgins. You'll have to

face it. It isn't fair on the poor girl.

- You'd better call the whole thing off.

- Nonsense.

I said I'd pass the guttersnipe

off as a duchess,

and pass her off

as a duchess I will.

Here. You see that?

It's an invitation from the Transylvanian

embassy. I'm going to take her there.

- You're mad.

- I tell you, that girl can do anything.

Eliza. Eliza!

Stop sniveling, girl!

Eliza, shall I give you

another chance?

Will you work?

Good!

No, no, no!

Do it again!

- I'll try.

- No, no, no!

I've told you 500 times!

You drive me mad, girl.

- Come, Higgins, be reasonable.

- Once more.

No.

- I'm Mr. Freddy Hill to see Miss Doolittle.

- I'll inquire, sir.

- Thanks.

- Throw him out!

NoWlisten, Eliza.

She's engaged.

Miss Doolittle.

Oh! Why can't you

do it like this?

- He's here again.

- Well, throw him out.

Come on, now. Both together.

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