Queen of the Lot Page #5

I got to go.

(MUMBLING ON THE PHONE)

(LAUGHING)

Most importantly...

- (PHONE RINGING)

- Ah sh*t, hold on a second.

Hold on a second.

Yes? Hello, hello?

(TYPING)

- AARON:
Hello.

- Hi.

- AARON:
May I join you?

- Listen to this.

"Maggie Chase is a tall thing

with a bushel of red hair,

a wide toothy mouth,

and a second avenue schnoz."

- Richard von Busak.

- I don't think that that's true.

Can you hold one second,

I'm just on with the accountant.

Larry, can you hold on a second?

I'm on the other phone.

Just hold on.

"It's hard to pity

Maggie Chase's nasal,

pushy, babyish character

who is memorizing,

if only because

she is so damaged,

so repellent,

so inhumanly bizarre."

Tasha Robinson, The A.V. Club.

Dave, are you listening to me?

Hold on Larry.

Now listen, I'm on the phone

with Larry, Dave.

"Maggie Chase is hands down

the most irritating performance

of the year."

Ty Burb, Boston Globe.

Not a blog,

the Goddamn Boston Globe.

"The most irritating

performance of the year."

And you're reading this why?

Because I'm checking

my Google points.

What is a Google point?

Google points is

how many points turn up,

how many numbers turn up

in the right hand corner

when you hit Google.

Www.google.com and then

you put your name in.

So I'm Googling "Maggie Chase",

and it only comes up...

Well it comes up with

47,683 Google points,

which is more than my hometown,

which is 41,632, which is good.

- AARON:
That sounds...

- Yeah, but you want to know...

You want to know how many

Angelina Jolie has?

One million...

No, 37,483,000 Google points.

Larry, I'm not talking to you,

I'm talking to Dave.

That right, Dave,

I'm talking to you.

Larry, please hold on

while I talk to Dave.

Dave, listen to me,

I'm on the phone with Larry...

I'm on the phone

with Dave, Larry.

I would be frightened

to Google myself.

Let's Google you.

Let's Google you.

- No, no, no, no.

- Wait, wait.

Don't, don't, don't Google me.

- Aaron.

- Don't, don't.

- Lambert.

- Don't, don't. I...

(LAUGHING)

Okay, okay.

That's good, that's good.

I don't need to read

bad reviews,

I don't need to see how...

You had 587.

- DOV:
Are we playing or not?

- CAESAR:
We playing? Come on.

- MAN:
It's to him.

- CAESAR:
No, it's to you.

- He already put his money in.

- MAN:
Yes, I'm in.

CAESAR:
Okay.

- Check.

- DOV:
Check.

- What?

- Yeah.

Well look, $2,000.

MAN:
Ah, you got to be kidding.

I never kid.

AARON:
I think this a very

dangerous contraption.

I mean, who needs

a digital reservoir

of all their shortcomings

and bad reviews?

That's why I have a father.

Why?

To remind me of all my

shortcomings and bad reviews.

Actually, I got

pretty good reviews.

The one time I was published,

it was very well

received by the critics,

and very poorly

received by the public.

Except my father took

an option out on the book

to have it made it into a movie.

And I was gonna

write the script.

And then,

after the book came out,

it met with such

dismal public approval,

that my father

canceled the option,

decided not to make the movie,

and fired me off my own book.

I think we sold 502 copies,

and I bought maybe 501 of them.

(LAUGHING)

You know how good you are,

right?

You know what your potential is.

You know the things that

you probably should be doing,

or want to be doing.

You don't?

You have no goals in life?

No direction?

Of course I have

goals and direction.

Google points.

- That's my goal.

- That's your goal?

Angelina Jolie status.

Do you think

Angelina Jolie feels it

each and every time

somebody Googles her?

No, she doesn't have to check.

Do you feel it whenever

anybody Googles you?

Yeah, 'cause I check it

every morning.

- But do you feel it?

- Yeah, I feel it.

- And what does it make you feel?

- Validated.

Validated, really?

You need somebody else to type

in your name, anonymously,

in order to feel

good about yourself?

- Yes.

- That's crazy.

Why?

Why, because you're

pinning your happiness

and your self esteem

on the approval

and validation of strangers.

Look, it's not a choice.

I don't ask to be like this.

It's like being straight or gay,

I just...

want to be famous.

Did you feel that?

- Yeah.

- That's real, right?

That's the real validation of

one human being to another.

That is me validating you,

Maggie Margie,

as a person, as an actress.

Don't open that.

Do not.

You know what I'm gonna do?

You are on

restrictive probation.

You are not allowed to

Google yourself for a week.

Can you go a week without

Googling yourself?

You haven't, you never have?

This is gonna be

a great experiment.

Can you go seven days,

starting right now,

without Googling yourself?

I could go without

checking my Google points

if you kept kissing me everyday,

'cause that felt like at least

5,000 Google points.

You kiss me

for nine days straight.

Yeah, that's probably

not gonna happen.

DOV:
That's the house.

MAGGIE:
Wow.

DOV:
I'll go park the car.

LOUIS:
You know that project

I've been working on

for the last eight years?

Well, I finally got it.

The Lubitsch estate is

letting me have the rights.

I don't want to go

up against Lubitsch.

Lubitsch is dead. You're alive.

When was the last time

you worked?

- About three years ago.

- Yeah three years ago,

that's not bringing in

the money.

I've been carrying you

for three years,

you owe me big time.

Dov, how are you fella?

Oh, good to see you.

- Good to see you and who's this?

- This is Maggie.

- Hi.

- DOV:
Maggie Chase.

Amazing actress.

Mr. Lambert,

it's so nice to meet you.

Yes, yes, nice to meet you too.

This is Pedja.

MAGGIE:

I know, I love your films.

- Thank you.

- MAGGIE:
So much.

This one's gorgeous dear.

Oh my gosh,

I just threw something on.

(GIGGLING)

No, he's the gorgeous one.

- DOV:
She is an amazing actress.

- Red Wrecker.

LOUIS:
Oh yeah.

- The action series.

- DOV:
Did you see it?

LOUIS:
You were funny in that,

weren't you?

- Yeah, well...

- LOUIS:
Yes, yes.

I mean, it was supposed to be

an action film but...

I've heard the through the vine.

You have a great sense

of timing, I understand.

MAGGIE:
That's so nice, really?

LOUIS:
Maybe this is

a great sense of timing.

(LAUGHING)

(GUESTS CHATTING)

DOV:
Really?

Yes, there's a scene in it

that's awful.

This woman in some stirrups.

Don't encourage him.

So what happened in school,

Michael?

I couldn't try out

for the basketball team

because I had a D in math.

I wasn't so hot

in math either.

Ladies and gentlemen,

at your leisure...

(BELL DINGS)

(BELL DINGS)

Uh, dinner is served.

Shall we?

(GUESTS CHATTING)

I'm so sorry you have

to sit on a stool my dear,

but Dov didn't tell me

you were coming.

But then my boy's always

so full of surprises.

(LAUGHING)

Hi everybody.

Shaelynn!

Oh, my God, how are you?

(GIGGLING)

It's so good to see you.

Oh my dear, you look

absolutely fabulous.

- Right out of Vogue.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes