Raising Helen Page #7

I don't know what it's like?

How do you think I got this way?

Whatever this way is

that's so particularly unfun and funny.

- Who changed your diapers?

- Don't start with that.

Mom died when I was seven.

- Who fed you? Who baby-sat you?

- Lindsay was there, too.

Lindsay was in New York

trying to be a dancer

and I was at home

not having a normal childhood

cos I was too busy being your mommy.

And you're Tra-La-La Helen.

So... free.

Miss Party-Party-All-Night-Long

and I never ever got to feel like that, ever.

Not once.

I don't wanna fight any more.

Happy Mother's Day.

- Flagrant.

- One minute left.

Maybe I can come see you DJ sometime.

I don't know, Miss Audrey. I'm not spinning

no kids' birthday parties, you know?

- You got a fake ID?

- Course.

Nurse Wilson says he's OK.

When's Henry gonna play, Aunt Helen?

Uh...

Hey, Coach. This isn't the NBA Finals.

What happens to "everybody plays"?

Why don't you put Henry in?

And Saint Barbara's wins.

- Excuse me.

- Yes?

- Hi. Excuse me. What is your problem?

- Aunt Helen, please.

I know, I...

He could be one of your best players.

He doesn't wanna play

so you need to square that away with him.

- You're the coach.

- Just forget about it.

I'm gonna go change.

I'm sorry that I yelled at you, Dan,

but I've been battling with the kids,

I'm fighting with my sister and

we're too stubborn to talk to each other.

I guess I'm just edgy.

Hey, nobody ever said

it was gonna be easy. Right?

Yeah, try doing it on your own.

We got a lot of people around here who do.

Matt Higgins' mom, she took a pay cut,

she works out of her house.

And Tommy Meyers' dad is with the kids

all day long, then he works at night.

I mean, it's tough, but it can be done.

- Hey, you know what you need?

- A nanny. But I can't afford one.

You need some fun.

I'm just the man to provide it.

What are you doing on Sunday?

- Going to church, of course.

- Yeah, right.

Nice try.

- You and the kids. Sunday afternoon.

- What do you have in mind?

Today we're at the Central Park Zoo,

where every spring a prayer is said,

blessing the animals

and the newborn babies.

Pastor.

Dear Lord, we humbly ask

that you bless these animals

and all your creatures

throughout the world.

Blessed are you, Lord. Amen.

OK, who wants

a private tour of the zoo, huh?

- Yeah!

- Yeah! All right, Pastor Dan.

" I do believe it

" I do believe it's true

" Mm-hm-hm

" Mm-hm-hm

" Whoa-oh

" Mm-hm-hm

" It's a light and tumble journey

" From the east side to the park

" Just a fine and fancy ramble to the zoo

" But you can take a crosstown bus

if it's raining or it's cold

" And the animals will love it if you do

" If you do

" Something tells me

it's all happening at the zoo.

- We had a really great time.

- I did too. I'm glad you guys came.

- Thanks again, Pastor Dan.

- Sure.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Thank you, Pastor Dan.

Loved the sea lions.

Henry, give that back to her.

Don't do that. That's not nice.

- He is so bad sometimes.

- They're cute, though.

Listen, I'm not very good at this,

so I'm just gonna ask.

You wanna go out with me sometime?

- What?

- You and me, on a date.

Oh, no. I made you abandon your vows?

I know you think that I'm probably worth it,

and I'm not. Go back to God.

I can't be responsible for this.

Hey, Helen. I'm a pastor.

I'm a Lutheran minister. I can date.

I can get married, have kids,

watch dirty movies.

- Really?

- Yeah.

OK, I can't watch dirty movies,

but we're pushing for it, so, you know.

- What d'you say?

- I'm really flattered, Dan, but I...

I can't.

I'm sorry.

I had a great day, though, today.

OK.

- Pastor Dan just asked me out.

- That is so weird.

I can hear ya. I'm still right here, OK?

Go... go inside and do that.

Way to go, Pastor Dan.

The guy on stilts was a great gimmick.

It beats balloons and bunting.

Thank you so much.

There are a couple of customers

wandering outside. Focus the wanderers.

Sales associate to the parking lot, please.

Sales associate to the parking lot.

Sales associate?

Leo. The guy on stilts

is looking down my shirt.

Hey! Mini-Me.

Watch I don't break your kneecaps.

Think you can reach them?

Hi. Helen Harris.

Welcome to Massey Motors.

- Leo Dileo.

- Pleasure.

- Ahem!

- And that's Rene DeCarlo.

- Hi, Rene.

- Hi.

All right, Leo, let's see if we can

find you something you like. Follow me.

- You know, I bought a lot of used cars...

- Previously owned.

We got a nice silver Volvo over there. It's a

great family car. I mean, if you have family.

- Just a rich bachelor.

- That's what I thought.

You don't want this one. Oh, wow.

I forgot we had this baby.

I think I know why. It looks like a jukebox.

Only a handful of these were made.

Earmarked for special customers only.

Like in the old days when guys like

Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra

used to special-order their cars

right from the factory.

- You're kidding.

- Sir, three things we don't joke about:

Elvis, Sinatra and Lincolns.

But, like I said, for special customers only.

Honey, I own every hot-dog stand

in Rockaway.

Not the beach, but, still, I can afford to pay

well over sticker for this. And cash.

It's getting a little windy.

Are you sure it's all right?

- Yeah, it's OK.

- OK. You sure?

You want a deal on a previously owned

car? Then come to Massey Motors,

where you can see me,

Mickey Massey. It's a...

- Mickey, Mickey.

- You're not gonna believe it. She sold it.

Bye, Leo. Drive safely.

She gets a ham.

Yes, I did.

Hey, kids. I'm home.

- Do we have mustard?

- I don't know. Why?

Because we got ham.

I sold a car.

- Yay, Aunt Helen!

- Go long, Henry, go long.

- And she takes him down.

- You got that pigskin down.

I don't know.

OK.

Hey. What's up?

Hippo's mommy and daddy

are still on vacation.

We're gonna go slice the ham.

- I'm the man, I should slice the ham.

- You're no man.

- They've been gone a long time.

- That's because they went really far away.

Where did they go?

Honey?

Sarah, where did they go?

Heaven.

That's right, sweetie.

That's right.

And now there's no one

to give him a birthday party.

- When's Hippo's birthday?

- Now.

Now?

Say "Hippo."

Hippo.

- It's a keeper.

- Great.

Vince, thanks again for doing this

on such short notice.

You're sure hanging out

with a new crowd these days.

Yeah, well, tonight is a very special night.

You see, it's Hippo's...

Excuse me, the VIPs. Excuse me.

Hey, Vince. We're here to celebrate.

Devon just got the new Polo campaign.

Yeah, he's the Ralph Lauren

underwear guy.

Congratulations.

Hey, Devon. Congrats.

- Are you ready for your dessert?

- Yes, please.

- Can I get you coffee or tea?

- Ooh, can I get a cappuccino, please?

- Decaf. And I'll have a real one.

- OK.

And I'll have a Singapore Sling.

Hey, Jerome. Excuse me, Jerome.

Hi. Do you think you could sing

"Happy Birthday"?

- Who's the birthday kid?

- Actually, it's Hippo's birthday.

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