Rancho Deluxe Page #4

But, we are willing

to negotiate...

on circuses,

sultan slavery,

Harems, or any kind

of free form fandango...

somebody might want

to invent for himself.

Well, we promised

Burt and curt a treat.

So you let them pick

and we'll cover it.

ICome on and pick.

We want 'em all.

Yep.

It's yours.

Our word's good.

Well now, that's gonna

spoil about $300.

No. We bought it, may.

Cec and I are men of our word.

Why don't you

get in there and, uh, raise it up to $350?

Who's gonna

answer the phone?

Do you want to wake these rustlers up?

IThey sure was generous.

They're good boys.

Hmm. No question.

Let's wake 'em. We'll buy 'em

some breakfast at Chico.

How do you feel about

the wages up there?

It's more the way of life

than it is the salary.

Come on.

Answer seriously.

Wages are lousy.

Three-Fifty a month,

room and board.

Mrs. Brown,

Asks the cook to make the food too spicy.

Why do you ask?

Are you rustlers looking

for some inside help?

It'd be fun to talk about, anyway.

I'm sure it would.

Just to help us stay awake.

Well, why don't we

all go for a swim?

My concern is whether we can turn that

semi 'round in the upper pasture.

You don't have to worry about that.

If it don't look good, Burt and me will take

a tractor up there and make a turnaround.

Now you know, don't you, that we're

gonna have to take the load...

a good ways east to get

away from grain inspection.

Yeah, I know.

And the split

is a simple four-Way.

Absolutely.

I think you've

got a deal then.

What about

the stock detective?

No problem.

I recommended

him to brown.

Is he honest?

As the day is long.

Poor bastard is so old he creaks

like the inner sanctum.

He still don't believe

he's got the job.

Can hardly get from room to room.

Hey, let's get dressed.

I got something

out in the truck I want to show you guys.

You boys, you left this

down at the locker plant.

If you're gonna have a sport coat made out of it,

why don't you have the brain removed first?

Where's the geezer?

He's coming. His niece

is helping him come down from the bunkhouse.

Jesus, Cora.

He doesn't even

look mobile.

Laura, what do you

do with yourself...

when you're not lending your

uncle henry a helping hand?

I help my mom.

What about when

you're not helping her?

Then I go to the senior citizens'

and help all the old folks.

Livingston? No, ma'am, in Choteau.

What else do you do?

I sew.

What do you sew?

I just like to make

nice things for nice folks.

You are a remarkable

girl, Laura.

All I want is

for folks to be happy.

Can it, Laura.

We're trying to eat. Holy Christ almighty.

Have, uh, you always been

a stock detective, Mr. Beige?

No.

What did you do before that?

I was a horse thief.

IThat's why I made

such a damn good stock detective.

You know, one time

I had 400 head of stolen horses...

in my corrals

up on 16-Mile river.

I'd put 'em on an electric train

there at ringling...

and Id transfer 'em over

to the northern pacific at Maudlow...

and ship 'em

into a four-State area...

inside of 48 hours.

Why, you know, I could ship

a stolen horse...

faster than you can move

an airmail letter.

IWhy, I was

the very best. Why'd you quit?

I got caught.

Sent me up

to the penitentiary at deer lodge.

IWhy, I spent three years breaking horses

for the prison ranch up yonder...

while everybody was having such

a fine time in world war ii.

When I realized that my thievery had

cost me the circus of the century,

Why, I decided to go straight,

work on the other side of the law.

Well, Mr. Beige,

I think it's about time

we acclimate you to the b-Bar lazy-T.

This country around here is a little

steeper than what you're used to.

See that peak up there?

That's squaw mountain.

It go about 11,000.

Careful. Atta boy.

We raise very correct cattle

at the b-Bar lazy-T.

The last time I saw

him on his feet was four days ago.

That little simp, Laura, brings his

food to him three times a day.

Mr. Beige told me

that very often his mere presence...

puts an end to rustling.

Evidently his reputation

precedes him.

I don't know why, Cora.

I sort of feel

we've been had.

To me, the worst of it is the way

curt and Burt follow that Laura around.

You know, we're not getting

half the use out of them we once did.

Yeah. I'm afraid

our two chimps are in love.

They coming knuckling

out of the bunkhouse every morning,

Trying to beat each other

to Lauras side...

To help bring Mr. Beige's

breakfast to him.

Darling?

Are you ever sorry we got out

of the beauty parlor business?

IGee,

I miss Schenectady

sometimes.

Jack,

I just got to find out

where this bastard keeps his money.

Cecil, no! Jesus!

Cec- Jesus Christ!

My god.

Hi, boys.

Hello.

Hi.

Burt and me thought you ought to

know what bad planning feels like.

Thank you.

What does it feel like?

You made your point.

Boys, I got a question.

When we're fixing to skate off

with a semi-truckload of living veal,

What in the hell are you doing up

here penny-Anteing for one steer?

Sport. Sport.

Cecil and I

are sportsmen.

Let me tell you,

wise guy.

We have to go up and get

Mr. Henry beige now...

and bring him

to the kill.

'Cause I don't know

what you were shooting with,

But you for sure

could hear it up at the ranch.

I don't know what they shot

this steer with,

But it blowed a hole in him

you can throw a cat through.

It's got my curiosity up.

She's either been hit

by a bazooka or an express train.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, here she comes.

Well, Ill be doggoned.

If I wasn't so dad-Blamed old,

I wouldn't know what that was.

What is it, Mr. Beige?

It's a. 50 caliber bullet.

- What kind of gun?

- A sharps buffalo rifle.

You know, things is gettin'

downright romantic.

I don't know

what these boys got in mind.

But it's a good sign

they wanted us to get dressed up.

They're nice boys, all right, but I sure

don't need to get grossed out again.

This is a weird

mixture of...

yin and yang.

So many animal karmas

have bit the dust here.

Just eat, Mary.

Bite my ass, betty.

Girls-

Take your hand out of my crotch, jack!

Betty, the orchestra

heard you.

Betty's so smooth.

Let's go!

You may go, officer.

I have recovered my

Lincoln continental mark iv.

Come in, mother,

and have a look.

Come in, Mrs. Kramer.

Come in, aunt Bea and

uncle Ramsey,

And see the floozies

and the whore mongers.

Grandma and grandpa Hooper.

Don't hold back.

Come on in and see

what the world has come to.

Filth and evil...

is one subject

Im slow to tolerate.

That's two subjects.

Son, you are in

a dangerous country. I'd advise you-

I knew if I kept this

by my bed long enough,

Some motherfucking worm

would turn up in here.

That's what I call self-Fulfilling prophesy.

Now get down on your knees.

Fast!

Am I in a bad mood.

Okay, now fold your hands

in front of you...

and beg your daughters

for forgiveness.

Fast, or Im gonna blow you

to kingdom come.

Forgive me, girls.

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