Range 15 Page #2

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kinda like that guy.

- Come on, even

his lifetime movie

was f***ing awesome.

I can't believed

he played himself.

- Hey Gene, welcome home.

- Gene, you're alive.

- That f***ing guys not.

- They said your entire

unit died on the news.

- This my entire

unit, right here.

- Oh my god, it's been so hard.

Oh it's really hard

and so big.

- A soldier came home!

A soldier came home!

- The 27 minute sex

scene was a bit much.

- I thought it was tasteful.

- I had to jerk off twice.

- The only boner

I have right now

is for killing zombies.

You f***ing ready?

Let's roll.

- Sh*t, you alright man?

- I think I'm hurt really bad.

Don't worry about me,

my ranger training

will get me through.

- That's the spirit bro,

were you in bat?

- Not anymore, I'm in delta

but I was in 4th battalion.

Just want to get

back to men, sarge.

- 4th battalion?

Bro, there's only three.

- I was special force.

I mean...

A top secret!

- Wait, I know this guy.

- What?

- He's not in the military,

he's an air-softer

that works at the DMV.

- F*** stolen valor

and f*** the DMV!

- You mother f***er!

Piece of sh*t.

B*tches get bit.

- Hey guys, get over here.

- What?

- Range 15.

You have to get to range 15.

- What's range 15?

- Let's keep moving

and stick together.

Jack, you're already

doing a good job of that.

- Yeah.

- Want to get wet?

I haven't turned

all the way yet.

- Looks just like a girl

I used to f*** in college

- Rocco.

- That's disgusting.

- Alright, alright.

- No.

Is there anyone in there?

We're not infected.

- Move it along, sh*t necks.

There's nothing here for you.

- Whoa.

- Please just let us in,

we're survivors.

We just killed a

sh*t ton of zombies.

- Oh, did you?

Cool story, so did we.

Look guys, we're just

trying to say alive, okay?

We let you and

Mexican Jay Leno in,

you'll steal all of our ammo.

- Why would you say that?

- Listen, I'm not gonna

give a gun to his chin,

if you just let us

have a few weapons,

maybe a car, we'll be out

of your beautiful hair.

- Wait, are you mat best?

- Every last inch.

- We totally f***ed last week.

- Of course you did.

- Sorry, what's up Eli?

- It's Eliza.

- Can we rekindle

this romance inside?

- Hang on.

- Oh my god, it's so big it

wouldn't even go all the way in.

- Eliza, the beard

and that tattoo,

what did I tell you?

- I love douche bags.

- Alright, fine.

We'll open the door.

- Alright, spread those

cheeks, I'm going in.

- Hello,

this is Robert Mcwilliams

with federal resources.

The bureau of civil

defense has issued

an national warning.

A disease of unknown

origin has spread

to pandemic levels.

There is no information...

- Uh, fellas?

Unlock me.

- Oh sh*t, Evan, what

the hell are you doing

chained up in the police armory?

- Cruised over here

to grab some gats,

when these f***ing dirty

sluts rolled me up.

- This little

hipster looking f***,

wouldn't share any weapons

and I had to cuff him.

- I love the way

your mouth speaks.

- What the f*** is that?

- Oh that.

It's what they call

the grunt Pyle.

- It literally looks like

seven men scissoring.

- That's exactly what it is.

- I know I'm stating

the obvious here

but you guys are

really f***ing hot.

Like snap your fingers hot.

- And you're like the

2nd fattest in the group.

Are we good now, bro?

- I guess.

- What's range 15?

- That's where that f***ing

soldier told us to go.

- It's a fallback

point for an ele.

- Wait, are you

guys military too?

- Yeah.

I'm ex IDF and she's my cousin.

- Wait, your Israeli?

- Yeah, I was like screaming

in Yiddish the entire time.

- No offense but that happens

a lot more than you think.

- A lot more.

- What's an ele?

- Extinction level event, Jack.

- Hey man, I'm really impressed.

- It says it on the map.

- God damn it.

- Well, range 15, that's

where we need to go.

- Oh hey, brilliant f***ing

idea, tactical Tesla.

Here's another one, we

need to get weapons,

supplies and we need

to check in at the base

to see if it's still intact.

- Thanks, dad.

Prom ended at 11.

- You guys gonna come with us?

- No, we're all set.

We're just gonna

ride this out until...

- we save the world?

- You guys?

Yeah right.

- Listen here, oven mitts,

there's thousands

of them out there

and as bad ass as

you think you are,

you won't be able to

hold them off forever.

Boop.

- Jesus could.

- Who is this f***ing guy?

- Jesus?

He's our lord and savoir.

He died for our sins.

- Don't mind him.

He was Billy Bob's

stand-in in sling blade

but that's completely

irrelevant right now.

I'll protect you.

- And I will never f*** you.

We'll go but if sh*t goes down

we're hiding behind

the crimson chin here.

- Hey, what's with

all the chintrest?

- That goddamn thing is huge.

It's like do you have to

drink with a bendy straw or...

- can we stop playing

f***, f***, goose,

and just gear up?

- You know what guys?

For once in nicks life,

he's actually f***ing right.

So wants a sweet

f***ing gear up montage?

This is really

convenient for us.

- I feel like I just

blacked out on freedom.

- I feel like I got butt

f***ed by Francis Scott key.

- Is there any dialogue

between you two

that doesn't involve

homo sexual undertones?

- Not one single time.

- Just keep your

body away from me.

- Holy sh*t!

Zombies one o'clock.

("What a wonderful world"

- Jack killed everything.

- Jesus.

- Let's go, let's go.

- Let's go, let's go.

- We should all take Camaros.

- Bro, this isn't swingers.

We're not taking 30 cars.

- What do you suggest?

- We can take the whisky

truck that they confiscated

the night I got arrested.

- I'll drive.

- You sure you don't want to

put your dick in it first?

- If he did, I bet

he'd fill it up with...

- premium?

- It's like you're

living inside of me!

- Bro, she's never

gonna f*** you, alright?

Evan, what the

f*** are you doing?

- Taking a piss.

- What happened?

- F***!

F***ing ripped my dick off!

- Hey, on scale

from shaft to tip,

how much did that f***er get?

- Shut up!

Get over here and help me!

- Come Evan, quit

dicking around.

- F*** you.

- Hey bro, you

really got the shaft.

- This is worse than syphilis.

F*** you!

Just f***ing kill me.

- No bro, we're

gonna let you turn

and then feed you your own dick,

you cock sucker.

- F*** you man!

- Hey Evan, there you go

- just f***ing kill me.

- Hey no bro, I'm just kidding.

I'll kill you.

- Just like all the others.

- You guys ready?

Let's go.

To the whiskey truck.

- F*** bro, I need some food.

Killing zombies really

works up an appetite.

- Hey man, be careful in there.

Do me a favor, grab your rifle.

- Do you see you where we are?

Pretty sure it's abandoned.

Anyone else?

- Anything that

rhymes with beer.

- It's great to see that the

zombie f***ing apocalypse

hasn't changed you.

Grab me some kill cliff.

- Got it.

- I'll take some goldfish.

- That's a children's

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