Range 15 Page #3

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snack, you fat f***.

- I do have a

boyish quality about me.

- And it shines through

like heavens light on

to all of us.

- Anyone else?

- Seriously man, stay

away from the glass.

I don't want you

getting yanked through.

- Bro, do you see

how f***ing big I am?

You know how big a

mother f***er would have

to be to f***ing pull

me through a window?

- Surprisingly, I'm

with Nick on this one

because if this

was a zombie movie,

you'd be getting ripped

through that glass

right about now.

- Mat, this isn't

a zombie movie.

- Mother f***er, let's

go, let's go, let's go.

- Sh*t, did you see the size

of that mother f***ing zombie?

- F***ing men.

- Are you infected?

Answer me.

- You tell me dude.

Whoa, you gonna shoot

me for stealing?

- What?

- That's right, I'm

slurpees for free and sh*t.

What up?

Lights were out, so I

came in to get mine.

Know what I'm saying?

- Hey f*** stick, it's the

zombie f***ing apocalypse.

You can literally take

anything in here if you wanted.

- Oh sh*t, for real?

God it's hot in here.

That's why I stripped down.

Skins a natural

coolant, my uncle says.

Level with me bro, shits

for real free free?

Cause I kinda feel like I'm

being mind tricked here.

- Mother f***er,

get the f*** out!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.

Hey, doll dick.

You look like Randy Quaid

with downs syndrome.

- Randy Quaid is

an American legend.

I loved him in Chaddyshack 2!

Why'd you make me do this?

- Hey Rocco, Rocco.

- Sh*t, if he's a zombie,

I get to kill him.

- He's my f***ing friend.

- It doesn't

matter, I called it.

He's like a 12 point buck.

- Oh my f***ing god.

- Jesus tap dancing

Christ, what the f***?

- You guys want to give

me a f***ing minute?

- For the first time in

my life, I have no words.

- Is it weird that

I'm kinda in to it?

- You have a doll glued

to your cock, Jack.

So no, not really.

- This is some barrack sh*t.

I'm gonna get some

freedom fudge.

- I'll get some with you

too, don't tell Heather.

- Who's next?

- Is there supposed

to be that much blood?

- I hope so.

- Oh sh*t yeah, f***!

- Okay, I'm good.

Time to go, Jack.

- I want one.

- Yeah, yeah.

- You ready, zombie f***er?

- What, bro?

That's some bucket

list type sh*t.

- For who, a necrophiliac?

- Oh come on, she

didn't look that dead.

- Agreed.

Kidding.

I want you to know I'm

a perfect gentleman

and I would never f*** a zombie.

- So what if I

turned into a zombie?

Would you f*** me?

- Why, do you want

to turn into a zombie

and have sex with me?

- See.

- What I was answering a

question with a question.

- This b*tch got enough gas

to get us to base, you think?

- I hope so man.

I don't think I can handle seeing

another zombie get f***ed.

- I've seen worse bro,

you'll be alright.

Thailand.

- You know, I can't believe

you just f***ing did that.

- I'm telling you, I found

love in a hopeless place.

- Did you seriously just

quote a Rhianna song

to describe sex with a zombie?

- I feel like I'm her

Chris brown, you know?

- You didn't beat her as much.

Terrible euphemism.

- Seriously.

- You know, I'm not ashamed.

The heart wants what

the heart wants.

- No, don't drink it!

- What the f***, bro.

- It's a bad batch.

- He put viper semen in it.

- Well, a scientist did.

- Since is when a scientist

part of a distillery?

- You see, my dad's

old army buddy

is an amateur scientist,

he's the only one we knew

how could distill whiskey.

This was our first batch.

- An amateur scientist?

That would be like using

an amateur bomb tech.

That just shouldn't be a thing.

Is that toxic sh*t

even drinkable?

- I'm gonna go

with a soft, maybe.

F***.

We got trouble up ahead.

- I don't we can get

around this sh*t, man.

- You glorious fucks cover me,

I'll move the Humvee.

- Out of ammo,

going to the truck.

- Grab me some mags!

- Who's the punk b*tch now?

Where the f*** are the keys?

F***ing Humvees

shouldn't have keys.

- Oh sh*t.

- Guys, hold you fire.

- Holy sh*t.

- Viper semen forever.

- What happened?

- Amateur scientist for the win.

I think we just found

ourselves a cure.

- You've got to be shitting me.

- Nope.

- Well, if the

colonels still alive,

we gotta get to him asap.

- I can not wait to see

the look on his face

when he finds out the cure

for the zombie apocalypse

came from you.

- Sh*t is gonna be

good, my friend.

Let's go butt f*** some zombies.

- Get back in your vehicle.

This is a secure

government installation

and you cannot walk around

here without a pt belt.

- Easy there, high speed.

This is my safety.

- No pt belt, no access buddy.

- Whoa, whoa whoa.

I was just testing you

and you passed.

Now, I don't have any pt belts

but what I do have is

some challenge coins.

Huh, huh?

- Is that real?

- Are those real?

- Oh, they're real my friend.

- The f*** outta here.

- There we go.

- Oh man!

- Now, is the colonel here

and more importantly

is he alive?

- Yeah he's alive.

He's at the jock.

Can we keep these?

- All yours.

Let's open that gate then, yeah?

- Okay, yeah.

- Oh.

Alright.

- Just kinda.

Kinda put your back into it.

- Does it go that way?

It's a new gate.

I got it, I got it.

I got it.

- What the f*** just happened?

- The army's real

weird about pt belts.

- So to keep you safe, they

we're going to shoot you?

- Yeah.

- And they didn't

because of coins?

- You've got to understand.

Challenge coins are

like Po Kryptonite.

They're defenseless

to their power.

- You tell that sh*t for brains

I want no more excuses.

I want to hit them.

I want to know how

many are out there.

I want to know who's on...

What?

What the f*** do we have here?

Mat f***ing best.

- Colonel.

- Is that a blow up

doll you got glued

to your cock there, son?

- Sort of.

You see, I fell down

with my pants unzipped

and I just kinda...

- oh shut the f*** up!

- Alright.

- Now, gentlemen, stand down.

Let me have a moment

with this guy alone.

Alright.

- Colonel, it's been a minute.

How you been?

- I'm surprised that you two

ass hats are still alive.

- And we found a cure.

- Are you serious?

- Serious as a heart

attack, my friend.

- In my office now, Mr. best.

- Got it.

- You stay here, Gomer Pyle.

- Love what you've done

with the place, colonel.

It's very, restoration

hardware meets mash.

- Oh, zip your dick!

Now, we found the cure,

is about the only words

you could of used to prevent

me from putting my foot

in your ass.

- What's with the

hostility, sir?

- Really?

You didn't f*** my

arm less daughter?

- This is way better

than a hand job!

- Daddy?

- What the f***?

What the f***?

- Sh*t!

I am pretty sure I would

of remembered that.

- Hey, daddy, do you

have the barracks keys?

- Coming in hot.

- What the stump f***?

- Look at my daughter,

sergeant best.

Doesn't ring a bell, still?

- It's nice to see

you from the front.

- What is it, Mary?

- That special ops guy is

in the mess hall for you.

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