Range 15 Page #4

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- Well tell him I

still need a minute.

- Okay.

- So, tell me about this cure.

- Why don't you tell

me how it happened.

- This isn't f***ing clue!

Take sh*t seriously for

once in your life, mat.

A plane crashed coming

in from overseas.

We don't know if

it was on purpose

or if a passenger unknowingly

had the virus and spread it.

The disease spread like herpes

in a fort Bragg barracks.

Right now, all we need

to do is contain it.

Candlestick, library, go.

- Well as crazy as it sounds.

The guys and I have

been distilling whiskey

and let's just say

we had a bad crate.

- Bad crate of

distilled whiskey?

I'm not following.

- It was mixed with viper semen.

- That sounds like a

shitty Internet video

or the plot of a bad movie.

- As as ridiculous as it

sounds, it's the truth.

One of my guys

smashed a zombies head

in with the whiskey bottle

and they changed back.

- Where's this whiskey now?

- It's safe in the mess hall.

- With the guy from of mice

and men and the chubby one?

- I like to consider it the

ranger up and article 15.

- I'll have one

of my guys grab it

and take it over to range 15.

- Why don't you

just test it here

and distribute it

amongst the people?

- Our building was compromised

and most of the scientists

were killed.

The remaining ones, we

sent over to ranger 15.

- Well then, we'll just take

it over to range 15 ourselves.

- Oh, sh*t.

I'm not gonna leave

the fate of the world

to you f*** offs.

- No offense colonel

but I trust us

more than I trust your guy.

Our guys are fearless.

- I bet I can fit 14

hot dogs in my mouth.

- I bet I can do 30.

- Why would you want to do that?

- Because we're fearless!

- I prefer my guy.

- And who the f*** is your guy?

- Sergeant major Gene Vandenham.

Have you heard of him?

- Yeah, I've f***ing

heard of him.

F*** Gene.

You know all that mother

f***er is is the little...

- hero?

Sergeant major Gene

Vandenham is America.

I f***ing love that guy.

Everybody loves that guy.

Now, that's the kind man I

want to see my daughter with.

Hell, that's the kind

of guy everybody wants

to see their daughter with.

You know, I'ma be

honest with you.

I've been married

for over 38 years now

and if Gene Vandenham asked me

to take him in my mouth,

I'd honestly consider it.

- God man.

- You and your boys can

follow on a convoy behind.

That will be all, sergeant.

- Thanks.

- And keep your

dick in your pants.

- I nub you.

- A**hole.

- So what happened?

- He said their

scientists are at range 15

and they want f***ing

Gene Vandenham

to take the whiskey there

and we get to follow along

in a sweet f*** train.

- F***ing bullshit!

That's our whiskey.

- And our viper semen!

- Look Matt, sometimes

things can look pretty bleak

but when life gets hard...

- Nick, you promised.

- No officer sh*t, bro.

- Alright, alright.

Seriously, though.

If Gene takes the whiskey,

we've got a much better chance

of success.

- And a much better chance

that none of us get killed.

- I'm cool with that.

- I would of protected you.

- Oh yeah?

Let's see, go with the

world renowned hero

or a guy who shoved 14

hot dogs in his mouth.

- Dude, you dogged 14?

Champion!

- No, that's not a

high five moment.

- Every moments a

high five moment.

- Oh god.

- You boys have the whiskey?

- Oh yeah.

- Hand it over, son.

- I'm sorry, I just...

- you, you, you, just

got lost in my eyes?

Relax, it doesn't make you gay.

It makes you compassionate.

- Oh, you're so right, Gene.

- I know.

Release.

There's my fat bottomed girl.

Thanks, guardians of the galaxy,

I'll keep an eye on

you in my rear view.

Stay close.

You too, second.

- F*** did you just call me?

- Seconds.

That's your middle

name, isn't it?

- Mat second best.

This is like slam poetry.

Genius

- catch ya on the

dark side of the moon,

cheese squeeze.

Keep your ears buttered up

while I set fire to the rain.

- What the f***

does that even mean?

- You know what it means?

You don't know where I've been.

Rodney king riots, 1984, I'm

driving through the streets

of and the

city they call long beach.

When a young African

American says to me,

"hey man, you some

kind of gi Joe?

Mr. Jarhead."

I says so what if I am?

And he says, "well why

don't you suck on my dick

and then lick on my balls."

And before he can

get that s out,

I squeeze the trig and

blew his brains outs.

The next day, the

riots were over.

The moral of the story is this,

why don't you walk

168 miles in my shoes

with 16 dead soldiers

over your shoulder

before you ask me what

the f*** that means.

Good day, f*** faces.

By the way, wear a condom

on that dick of yours

if you're eye f*** me on

the way out like that.

This is Gene's world.

- That guy is such a

f***ing celebrity cameo.

- Hey man, I don't want

to f***ing be here.

- Oh.

Hey, Ron Jeremy.

- Your indiegogo

campaign went so well

you can actually buy people.

- You're right, you

can go dude, thanks.

- Great.

- Gene's kinda legit.

- Gene is a douche bag

and he's treating all of us

like the f***ing b team.

I'm gonna go outside

and get some fresh air.

Let my suck dangle.

- Grab a pic.

I knew before it even

came out of my mouth.

- Mat, can I come with you?

I haven't said

anything in a while.

- Sure, Eunice.

- Happy birthday, Matt James.

- Mat, are you okay?

- I'm fine, Eleanor.

- Eliza.

- Whatever.

I just hate that

Gene Vadendouche.

Everything get's

handed over to him

like I'm some

incompetent clown dick.

- I don't think your an

incompetent clown dick.

I think you're a...

- intense, strong, intelligent,

ripped like a pair

of Def Leppard jeans?

Hear it all the time,

but Gene's always

stealing the spotlight.

- Well you can

have the spotlight.

You can have two.

- Emily, we shouldn't

but we're probably going

to anyways so.

- Oh, can you do it in my butt?

I don't want to get pregnant

during the zombie apocalypse.

- Kind of hot actually.

Did you eat popcorn?

- Yeah, is it sharp?

- Oh god.

- It smells.

- You got to be

f***ing kidding me.

- Oh sh*t.

- We love you, Gene.

We love you man!

You see his jawline?

- It's like an angel.

- I have energy, guy gives

me energy by his presence.

- I want to drink his piss.

- What?

- Huh?

- Come on, man.

- That dude always wants

to be the tip of the spear

but all I see is a

giant blue falcon.

- Yeah maybe but he's

got an up-Armour Humvee.

Not to mention a 50 Cal.

- And no one Manning it.

F*** that guy.

Guys like that are

the reason I got out.

- Sh*t man, guys like that

are the reason dudes enlist.

- What the f*** is

this a**hole doing now?

- Zombie!

You girls okay?

- Definitely could

of killed that guy.

- Sure you could of.

Look here, chap stick, I

don't need my a**hole waxed.

A simple thank you, your

smajesty would suffice.

- Not to happen, Gene.

- Smell this fire,

smokey the bear.

The colonel just

phoned in by satellite.

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