Rat Race Page #3

It's the gambling experience

of a lifetime.

It's my way of saying

I understand men like you.

I know what you want.

I know what you need.

This casino-- my casino--

is where you belong.

- I got it!

- Excuse me!

- To the airport.

- You got it.

We're out the door.

I don't see you. Where are you?

- I forgot to tip the maid.

- Forget the maid. There he is!

- Come on! Let's go!

- Okay, okay.

Bev, this is a real job!

I swear!

What is it?

The job? What's the job?

Ink for fountain pens.

- And they're in New Mexico?

- Silver City, New Mexico.

I love New Mexico.

Honey, we'll go with you.

- No!

- Why not?

Because we've already paid for the

room. Now look who's wasting money.

This was your idea to stop here.

I don't care about David Copperfield.

We're on vacation. We'll go with you.

- But you don't understand--

- We will go with you!

- Fine.

- Yes!

Fine. Fine. Here. Call the bellman.

Have him bring the van around.

- You happy? You happy?

- Okay.

Scusi. Scusi.

I'm in a race. Scusi.

Scusi. It's a race.

- What is he doing?

- I think he's sleeping.

- Sleeping?

- He must be narcoleptic.

It's a rare sleeping disorder.

- But I bet on him!

- So did I. Two million dollars.

I'm sorry, gentlemen.

All the bets are locked in.

Sleeping! Sleeping!

- Look out!

- Don't tell me how to drive!

It's only yellow.

It's only yellow. Run it!

- Where's my video game?

- Seat belts, everyone.

- Honey, what is the rush?

- It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

You're not just a travel agent,

Roger. You're an angel.

There's one charter plane

available in Las Vegas.

We just bagged it.

- Back to pass.

- Get rid of it.

- Looks to his left.

- Get rid of it. Throw the ball!

That's why you're not

gonna get drafted!

You'll be lucky to play

arena football in Barcelona!

- You like football?

- Sure.

Did you happen to catch

that Dallas game last week?

It was an obscenity.

It was a crime against football.

I lost 20 grand on that game!

And they would have won!

Now I gotta work two shifts

because of that idiot!

Stevie Wonder could have done

a better job calling that game.

Where the hell's the airport?

One flip of the coin and the franchise

goes straight down the crapper.

- That'll be 10.50, buddy.

- Keep the change.

Thanks a lot.

You have a nice flight. Yeah!

You know who that was?

That was the ref. The guy

from the game? The coin toss!

Oh, my God!

You're right! That was him!

I had him in the cab,

and I let him go!

- Where are we going?

- We gotta go. Come on. Just go.

- Go, go, go, go, go.

- Chumps.

Excuse me. Hi.

- I'm not a creep or anything.

- I don't have any quarters.

I never do this, but I'm

reading the same book you are.

Look. See? Lindbergh.

It's fantastic, isn't it?

- What part are you on?

- He just had a sex change.

Who did? Lindbergh?

- Sex change?

- Yeah.

That's funny.

- I thought so.

- That's funny.

I wouldn't be too proud

of yourself though.

I'm the most gullible guy

in Chicago.

Can I buy you a drink?

I can't. I'm flying.

- So, it'll relax you.

- I mean, I'm flying. I'm a pilot.

Pilot? Are there

a lot of female pilots?

There's at least one.

When I walk away, I'm gonna think

of something great to say to that.

Good. Mail it to me.

Flight 115 to

Albuquerque, New Mexico.

- Gate 17. You better hurry.

- Four tickets to Albuquerque.

-Near the front of the plane. Please.

-All right.

Come on!

This is so exciting. I've never

been on a private plane before.

This is bigger than my condo.

- Gentlemen, what's our ETA?

- One hour and ten minutes.

If you can do it in less than

an hour, I'll buy you both dinner.

You're on--

- Watch it. Move. Excuse me. Move.

- Move! Move! Move!

- Who was next?

- I was!

- I was!

- I was!

- What? You were not next!

- Are you callin' me a liar?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.

We've been in line over 20 minutes.

- Is that the correct time?

- Hey! Whoa!

Yes, it is.

- Who's next?

- They were, right there.

Two tickets to Albuquerque.

I'm sorry. We're completely booked.

There's nothing.

There's a 4:
30,

but you have to switch in Dallas.

What do you mean that's it? I'm

not givin' up and neither are you.

And neither am I!

I'll tell you something, brother.

If we're not flyin' outta here,

no one is flyin' outta here.

That can't be good.

Duane!

No!

Blaine! Blaine!

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Sh*t!

I can't!

What are you doin'?

I don't know where to go!

- Move!

- Trying to kill me?

Duane, stop the car!

Stop the car!

Whoa, girl! Jesus!

Freeze everything, every flight.

Get me Central Operations.

Attention all passengers.

Due to a technical problem

with our radar tracking system...

all flights are postponed

until further notice.

We apologize for

any inconvenience.

We gotta go.

- Hurry up!

- The bags?

Forget the bags! Let's go!

Comin' through!

- This is your license?

- Yes, it is.

- Where was it issued?

- In Guam.

Just head east,

and I'm in a hurry.

Hello again. East it is.

We have a midsized Caprice.

- What color is it?

- We don't care about color.

Just give us whatever car

is parked closest to the door.

Ask about insurance.

Would you be interested

in purchasing liability insurance?

- How much is it?

- It doesn't matter. We'll take it.

Just hurry.

Hit enter. Now shift.

Shift key. Right there. Yeah.

Hey, watch it!

Bus! White people!

ldiot!

Okay, I've got one.

- What?

- A great comeback.

I said, "Are there

a lot of female pilots?"

And you said,

"There's at least one."

I should have said,

"Two if you count Lindbergh."

'Cause you said

he had a sex change.

It's a work in progress.

- I'm Nick Schaffer.

- Tracy Faucet.

So I guess you can have

that drink now.

I told you I'm flying. I'm leaving

for Roswell in five minutes.

Didn't you hear?

Everybody's grounded.

That's for fixed wing. I'm in a

chopper. We use a different system.

Roswell, New Mexico?

- You're flying to New Mexico?

- We've been flying down all week.

They're repainting

the whole fleet.

You can fly.

Nobody else can fly.

But you can fly.

- And you're flying to New Mexico.

- Yeah.

- But nobody else can fly.

- Yeah.

Do you need a ride?

Come on!

- Coconut.

- Coconut! Who had coconut?

I did.

Phil.

That's the kind of car

that I'm gettin'.

- Yeah? Don't count on it.

- Why not?

Because the Volkswagen Beetle

was used by the Nazis.

I would not be comfortable

driving around in one.

- So, don't drive it. I will.

- Dad, I have to go.

- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do. I really do.

- We just stopped!

- The bathroom was too gross.

- Well, can't you hold it in?

- I can't! It's an emergency.

Honey, there's a restaurant.

That's three miles down and

then back. We lose ten minutes.

So what? Your daughter

has to go to the bathroom.

- Please stop, Dad.

- All right.

Jason, look back there

for an empty jar.

A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.

All right, sorry.

Jason, we're gonna

need a jar and a funnel.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes