Rat Race Page #4

Dad, I don't have to pee.

It's number two!

- Sorry, I can't stop.

- Dad, I'm prairie-dogging it.

What does that mean?

Like when a prairie dog sticks

his head in and out of the ground.

I do not want

to picture that.

Yes, sir, Silver City it is.

- Buddy.

- It's about 700 miles.

- You don't mind, do ya?

- Oh, no. No, no, I don't mind.

A job's just

another job for me.

About how much you think

that's gonna cost?

I wouldn't worry about it.

Tell you what.

You just pay me

whatever you think is fair...

'cause I trust your judgment.

I hate you. I hate you!

Nobody look. I'm gonna turn on

the radio, so nobody can hear you.

I'll never forgive you.

I hate you.

Nobody can hear you, honey.

Push away.

I'm gonna drop you off there. There's

a parking lot near the hospital.

- Great. Great.

- So what's wrong with her?

-Who?

-Your sister. You said it's serious.

Yeah. Shark bite.

- A shark bite?

- Yeah.

They took her to Silver City?

They have a really good

shark attack unit there.

How fast was I going?

- Where are we?

- It's a shortcut I know.

-Maybe we should stick to the highway.

-There's a thought.

You say stick to the highway.

I say we should take my shortcut.

- Why don't we just flip a coin?

- It's not what you think.

- Come on, you blind son of a b*tch!

- Wait! Stop it!

Give me that goddamn whistle!

I'm gonna shove it up your ass!

Come back here!

Sh*t.

I'll kill him.

- Squirrel?

- No, thank you.

We're looking for the interstate.

I get that a lot

'cause of the detour.

Now they've lost their way.

Now they can't go home.

You sure you don't want one?

We're sure. Thank you.

They make crackerjack pets.

I taught this one to shake hands.

He's not for sale though. Who wants

to go home with the nice ladies?

"Pick me. Pick me.

Don't be afraid. I don't bite.

- What's your name, pretty lady?"

- Vera.

Ma'am, really.

We're not interested.

Well, I'm not talkin' to you, am I?

I'm talkin' to Vera.

What about Bucky here? He loves

to climb trees and eat nuts.

Ma'am, we do not

want a squirrel.

Do you or do you not know

where the interstate is?

Of course I do. I'm not retarded.

"Tell 'em about the shortcut."

Thank you, Bucky.

I almost forgot.

There's a dandy shortcut.

It'll bring you right to exit 14.

It'll save you 30 miles.

Now listen carefully.

You want to go straight

down here exactly 1.8 miles.

- 1.8.

- Make a left at Totem Pole Ranch.

Go 5.4 miles and

you're gonna go up a big hill.

You'll see a big yellow sign

with some graffiti on it.

Take the dirt road on the right.

It'll take you to the interstate.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Wait a minute.

Take some nuts with you...

just in case

you see a squirrel, okay?

"Bye. Bye.

You could have bought me."

You'll make it. You'll make it.

Where am I?

Wow! A Barbie Museum!

Can we stop?

Sorry, Kimmy. We have a plan,

and we're gonna stick to the plan.

Please, Daddy. Please, please,

please, please, please.

- Hey, hey!

- It's not fair.

We never get to stop

anywhere I want to.

I'm sure Jason doesn't want

to go to the Barbie Museum.

You kiddin'? I'll stop anywhere.

I'm wiggin' out back here.

You need to pull over and stop

to give the kids a break.

Yeah, okay,

maybe on the way back.

- Stop the car.

- I can't do that.

- We all need to stop the car.

- No can do.

- You need to stop the car.

- No!

Stop the car!

Okay, fine, but 10 minutes.

Wow! The Barbie Museum.

Klaus Barbie...

sometimes known as

the Butcher of Lyons.

Let the Jew revisionists

talk about their death camps...

and so-called crimes

against humanity.

This museum is lovingly dedicated to

the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows.

The husband, the devoted father,

the wine connoisseur...

and three-time

ballroom dancing champion.

Hey, hey, there's that guy,

the "udgy" one.

Barbie joined

the SS in 1935...

where he soon became one of

the Fuhrer's favorite young officers.

Can we go?

Here we see him standing

beside Hitler's touring car...

the very same car on display

outside in our courtyard.

You're leaving?

What--

No-- Yes. Well, we have a 4:30

book burning, and then we have a--

- A christening.

- Yes, a christening...

for one of our many white,

Christian, non-Jewish friends--

-Family. Blood relatives.

-The Himmler Hessin Von Sturichberg--

- Thank you so much.

- Yes, love your do.

Thank you. It's beautiful.

We had a great time.

Wow! A gift shop.

Yes, I know, honey. Next time.

I promise. I really do.

Just go. Just go.

- Oh, my God! We've been cut!

- What do we do now?

I say we take

the interstate.

No, "ake" Highway "well."

That's a shortcut.

You don't know what the shortcut

is. It could be a dirt road.

You know what? There are

"oo" of us. Why don't we separate?

- What?

- There's "oo" of us.

"Amy" we should "ust" separate.

You're right. You're a genius.

There's two of us.

If we separate and you steal a car,

we can both go our own way...

and double our chances

of gettin' there first.

All right. You take the--

We only got one "ee."

Look, there it is.

Totem Pole Ranch, turn left.

All right, squirrel lady.

I can't believe it, Dad. You stole

Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz.

Hitler had it comin'.

What goes around comes around.

They're gonna be pissed.

They're always pissed. They're

Nazis. It's like it's their job.

When we get to Silver City, we'll

call 'em. We'll work somethin' out.

North?

A little detour.

It'll just take a minute.

I just wanted to say hi

to my boyfriend.

I can't believe it.

That-- That son of a b*tch!

That's Charlene's car.

-Charlene?

-His ex-girlfriend, or so I thought.

Come on now. I'm sure there's

a perfectly innocent explanation.

She probably came by just

to pick up some clothes or--

Nice and warm.

What the--

Get down!

Did I come at

a bad time, a**hole?

I'll ram this helicopter

right down your throat!

What are you doing?

Don't worry. My father's a navy pilot.

I've been flying since I was 15.

I'm not worried about you.

I'm worried about me.

Shawn, you have a minute? I want

to talk about our relationship.

Suck on that, creep!

- That's--

- Not the truck!

Oh, my God!

Come on. Help me. Open it.

I'm not comfortable--

- Open it!

- Okay.

She's gonna kill me.

- We should get outta here.

- Not yet!

You two-timing,

backstabbing snake!

You worm! You turd!

My God! What was I thinking?

I want my five months back!

I'm getting the tattoo removed!

Stop hitting me!

Where are you goin', baby?

Wait for me!

- I think we just killed him.

- You can't! He's like a cockroach.

Fix the--

Should we be this low?

Come on. Come on.

Let's keep goin'. Come on.

We just violated

about 115 federal laws.

- "We"?

- I'm getting out of here. Coming?

I know things look bad--

Nice meeting you.

Get out of the truck, Shawn.

That's it, Tracy.

You and I are through.

Wait!

Wait. This is the first illegal thing

I've done in my adult life.

How does it feel?

I'm shaking, but that could be

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