Rat Race Page #5

from the helicopter crash.

- Get out of my truck, Tracy!

- It's my truck! I paid for it!

- Who is this?

- Nobody.

- You are nobody.

- Nobody.

You stay away from her, nobody,

unless you're tired of livin'.

While you're here, do me a favor.

Charlene left a bra in the truck.

Could you make sure

she gets it? Thanks, honey.

Help!

- So where's the driver?

- He's in the powder room.

Hell's bells. We're never

gonna get to Santa Fe by 3:00.

- This is ridiculous.

- Ridiculous.

I really wish he'd hurry.

It just seems very unprofessional.

Mister, you gotta help me.

My wife--

She's out back.

She's having a baby.

- She's having a what?

- A baby!

- She's having a baby?

- And it's halfway out!

I can see the head!

- I need your jacket.

- Why?

For her amniotic sac!

- Her amniotic fluid is gushing out.

- Gushing?

The jacket! The jacket!

Give me the jacket!

- And your pants.

- My pants?

Your pants! Yeah, for her,

you know, her "placentia"...

you know,

and her labia and cervical--

Mucus gushing-- It's gushing.

It's just a hole and--

Quick! The pants.

And the hat.

Why? Why my hat?

For her...

vagina.

Let's go, ladies.

All aboard. We're on our way.

- What happened to Marty?

- His wife's having a baby.

-A baby?

-I'm Owen, your new driver. Let's go.

Quiet. Quiet, everybody.

Simmer down. Hey!

We're gonna be under way

in just a minute. This is Owen.

He's our new driver.

Everyone say hello.

Hello, Owen!

Our next stop is

the third annual...

I Love Lucy convention

in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

- What do ya say?

- Ba-ba-loo!

Ohh! Ohh !

- Is he dead?

- Hey, mister, are you dead?

It's a race.

It's a race. It's a race.

Run, run,

like greased lightning.

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Not good. Not good.

Don't move! Stay there.

I saw the whole thing.

I'll be right down.

Sh*t! Gloria Allred.

Hey, buddy?

Buddy, you okay? You okay?

You're fine! You look great.

- You want to report this?

- Taxi!

You don't need a taxi.

Come on!

Where you goin'?

Maybe I can drop you off.

Silver City, New Mexico.

I am in a race.

Silver City?

This is your lucky day!

I'm going to El Paso.

It's right on the way.

Come on. But, look, I got

to be there by 7:00 tonight.

- So I'm going to be driving fast.

- Great.

Yeah!

You just want one copy, 'cause

you get an extra one for half price?

Just one and hurry.

This is the best idea

you ever had.

We split up. We take two keys.

We double our chances of winning.

It can't fail.

- You remember where we're goin'?

- Silver City, New Mexico.

Right. Train station, locker 001.

"Ero, ero," one.

Rule number one:
discretion.

Don't talk to anybody.

- I won't. I "romise."

- I'm serious.

We're talking about

$2 million in cash.

People would just kill us

to get their hands on that key.

I love you.

All right, little brother,

you steal a car.

I'm gonna try to steal

that Corvette right there.

I don't care what you get

as long as it's fast.

I'll meet you in Silver City.

Don't forget your key.

That "other-ucking" bastard!

I'll kill 'im! I'm gonna--

There he is!

Go! Go!

Okay, we're at 2.4 miles.

There's the yellow sign

with the graffiti.

- Turn right.

- I see it.

- Do you see it?

- I see it.

I just love this.

This is like a treasure hunt.

- Slow down!

- I can't!

Help!

I guess my favorite episode, if l

had to pick one, would be episode 34.

Ladies, Lucys, Lucys,

stay behind the line, please.

Remember that one when Ricky

wouldn't take his hat off?

I don't remember that one.

It sounds like a masterpiece.

How about the one where

she got caught in the freezer?

Ma'am? Lucy! You have

to put that out, please.

Lucy, your hair!

Thank you. I couldn't decide whether

to keep it up or try something new.

It's on fire!

- Stop the bus!

- We're not stoppin'!

Just put it out!

Just put it out!

Stop!

The bathroom!

Two million dollars. Two million

dollars. Two million dollars.

Two million dollars. Two million

dollars. Two million dollars.

The Donald Sinclair,

the billionaire?

It sounds crazy, I know,

but I think it's on the level.

Here's the thing. We have

to decide yes or no right now.

If everybody else had to drive,

we have a three-hour head start.

- So you're proposing?

- A corporation-- Faucet and Schaffer.

If we win, we split everything

What do ya think?

I don't know what to think.

I'm in shock.

Three hours ago I was in the airport.

I had a job. I was reading a book.

My grandfather used to say,

"Good things take time.

Great things

happen all at once."

- Jason, where'd you get that?

- I found it under the seat.

- Give it to me. You can't play that.

- Why not?

Because it's Hitler's harmonica.

You can't play Hitler's harmonica.

- You're driving his car.

- I'm not touching it with my mouth.

I'm not sucking on the dashboard.

I'm not gettin' his germs.

Dad, look what I found.

- Where'd you get those?

- The floor. Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler.

All right, take those

off right now.

Hey, look at this.

A lipstick. It's dark.

That Eva Braun had style,

didn't she?

- She was Hitler's girlfriend.

- Give us a kiss.

Bev, it's not funny.

Give me that.

- Honey!

- I got it all over my hand.

Oh...

Randy.

- Chain, chain, chain

- R-E-S-P-E-C-

- Chain, chain, chain

- find out what it means to me

Respect

Just a little bit

- Just a little bit

- Chain, chain, chain--

Just--

Look at us go.

We are zooming.

I told you.

We're haulin' ass.

We're haulin' ass.

All righty.

- Guess what I got back there.

- You just told me.

Ass. We're haulin' ass.

No, no, no.

That's just an expression.

It's a heart.

- A heart?

- A human heart.

Some lucky bastard

in El Paso's waiting for it.

Normally, they put it on a plane,

but the airport's all closed down.

- You wanna see it?

- See what?

Are we allowed?

Just take a peek. One peek.

What could happen?

It's a heart.

It needs fresh air.

It's been locked up

in that cooler for seven hours.

- Oopsy-daisy. I get it. I get it.

- Sh*t! Oh, please!

- Don't step on it!

- I think I found it.

No, that's a caramel apple.

This is wrong.

This is so wrong.

God is gonna smote us.

We're gonna get smote.

Come on. We're siphoning gas.

It's not a smoting offense.

What?

Shouldn't be

turning me on, should it?

- Hey!

- Hi.

- What are you doing?

- Seventeen cups of coffee.

I guess--

I guess that's it.

I guess not.

How do you turn this thing off?

Son of a b*tch!

- Man! Damn it!

- Keep going. Go! Go!

He's stopping.

'Cause he knows,

don't mess with us.

We gotta wait.

There's too much wind.

- Guys, I need this balloon.

- Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, man, what--

- Hey, hey!

- I know what I'm doing!

I'm coming to get you!

Get back here!

I'll get him. I'm gonna get you,

stupid hardware guy!

- Go! Go!

- Stand up. Grab the rope.

I'm gonna get you!

Stand up. Ready? Grab it.

Missed it.

- Duane! Duane, stop the car!

- Hang on, buddy.

Duane, please stop.

I got it! I got it!

Just hang on.

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