Real Time Page #4

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He'll be like, "Hey, Andy,

go mop the floors."

Or, "Andy, go clean

the employee washroom.

I just went diarrhea

all over the motherf***er."

And after a while,

I started to realize

if this is what it is

to be in the workforce,

then yeah, f***ing A,

I'm better off being a criminal.

Well, let me ask you this, Andy.

Would you want a dick

in your dinner?

I suppose not.

That's what I thought.

And I-I got to say,

as someone who likes

to order the occasional meal

from a joint like that,

I'm happy to know

that there's somebody there

to make sure the place is clean,

the food's prepared right,

and the employees

aren't f***ing the salads.

Guy was just doing his job, right?

Yeah, just following orders, right?

Just-just like you, Reuben,

just following orders.

Right, Andy, just like me.

So I'm a bad guy

because I gamble too much,

but you know what, Reuben?

I've never f***ing hurt anyone.

I've never killed anybody.

That's not why

you're a bad guy, Andy.

This isn't even about you

gambling too much.

This is about you

f***ing people over.

You know, when people

give a guy chance after chance

and he keeps f***ing 'em over,

I mean, pretty soon,

it seems like that bloke,

he just doesn't give a sh*t

about anyone or anything.

You went to school here, right?

Yeah, here's where

it all started to go to sh*t.

Believe it or not,

I was actually one of

the smart kids in grade three.

Oh, what happened in grade four?

I'll tell you what

happened in grade four.

Sherry Lewis started wearing

a f***ing skirt to school.

And then grade five,

the teacher, Mrs. McDougal,

looked exactly

like Elizabeth Berkley.

Like, I'm supposed

to learn f***ing math

when I got Showgirls happening

at the front of the classroom?

Like, please.

I didn't like school.

I just stared out the window,

waiting for recess.

I liked recess all right.

First football.

First smoke.

First goal.

First fight.

First f***ing bet.

She's the turquoise one up on the left.

Up next, news and weather.

Bet you any money

she's watching the TV.

Onto the topic

at hand, which is ex sex.

Have you guys ever?

Close, very close.

Grandma?

Hi, there.

My program's over

in five minutes, Andy.

I brought you some chicken.

Don't block my view.

All right.

Just put it there.

Have a seat, sweetheart.

I'm not gonna bite.

I'm okay.

Reuben doesn't like smoke,

Grandma.

I'll just stand here.

Well, go on then.

Have a look.

Well, I just had my lunch

not too long ago.

What is this?

Is this for everybody?

No, Reuben and me

already ate.

It's just for you.

Well, it's too much.

What do you think I am,

an elephant?

Well, I mean, all right,

I'll help you out.

Get your grubby paws out of

there if you've already eaten.

Oh, yeah, it's all right.

I'll have some later

with my peas.

Here.

Put that in the fridge

for your grandma, Andy.

Yeah, sure.

You can keep me company

while he's gone.

I just need a glass of water.

Here, come see this.

Jesus.

She live alone?

Oh, look.

She squeezes

all the air out of it

so it stays fresh longer.

I mean, it-it lasts

for f***ing ever.

You want some cream soda?

- No.

- No?

Still got plenty of fizz.

Grandma was right.

Oh, look at this.

Every night, the same thing,

five cards.

She-she never wins,

but she never loses.

She always breaks even.

The woman has absolutely no luck.

It's uncanny.

She's got no bad luck,

no good luck, just even Steven.

And it takes her, like, a whole hour

just to do one of these things.

So, like, she'll do a square

and go have a coffee

and then do another square

and have a bit of cake.

What's going on in there?

Nothing's going on in here.

Stay away from my

scratch tickets.

Christ, how many friggin' cats

do you have, Grandma?

Just the ten.

Just the ten?

Well, I get some of those

neighborhood cats

coming in through

that damn door, though.

What the hell do you need

ten cats for?

Well, they're company.

It's not like I get

a lot of visitors here, Andy.

Your friend's awful shy.

Have a seat.

Honestly, I prefer to stand.

Who likes to stand for a visit?

What do you do at bedtime,

stand like a horse while you sleep?

Hey, Grandma,

do you still have that

Play-Doh barber shop kit?

The what?

Remember?

The friggin' thing

where you crank out the hair.

I don't know.

It's up in the attic there somewhere.

You boys seem a bit old for that.

Well, you can go drag it out

if you want.

I don't care.

Nah, it's okay.

It's okay.

Actually, Grandma, do you mind

if I turn off the TV a sec?

Well, that Touched by an Angel

is coming on.

It'll be real quick.

I just-

It's kind of important.

I don't have any money

to lend you, Andy.

I don't want any money, Grandma.

Okay, fine.

Grandma, I-

I'm sorry that I haven't

been here in a while.

And-no, honestly, Grandma.

I-I just-

I wanted you to know

how sorry I am

for all the things

that I've done.

Grandma.

No, 'cause-'cause-

no, 'cause honestly,

I've done some bad sh*t.

I'm so sorry, Grandma.

All right, never mind that.

All right.

You were the only person that

was actually ever nice to me.

It's all right.

Oh, f***, I'm sorry.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Hey, Grandma, is-

is Miss Manu still alive?

Yeah?

Yeah, she's up on my bed.

She's got the diabetes, though.

Do you think it would be okay

if I went up and got her?

She's very fragile, Andy.

No, I'll be careful, I promise.

All right,

then go bring her down.

Yeah, all right.

I'll go get her.

I'm just gonna get Miss Manu.

Is he in some kind of trouble?

Hello, baby.

Who's a baby?

Are you a baby?

Who is my little baby,

Miss Manu?

Who's a baby?

How's my baby?

Eww, what the f*** happened

to your face?

Are you cleaning

your ears now?

You lived here a long time?

Oh, Lord, going on 35 years.

It's nice.

Cozy.

Do you mind if I turn the TV back on?

No, go ahead.

Do you have any programs

that you like to watch?

No, whatever you want

to watch.

Oh, sh*t.

I got to-

I'm sorry.

Hey, Andy.

Andy?

Oh, f*** you, Reuben.

Andy.

F*** you, Reuben.

All right, you know what?

You know what?

You just-

You know what you do?

Just f***ing shoot me then.

Just shoot me, Reuben.

F***!

Oh, God damn it!

You f***ing shot me!

I just grazed your leg, Andy.

Little flesh wound is all.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, f***ing p*ssy fart.

This'll stop the bleeding.

You're lucky

I'm such a good shot.

Hey, go f*** yourself.

All right, Andy,

let's get back to the car.

Oh, f*** you.

Andy.

My grandmother

called the police, okay?

You better get the f***

out of here, Reuben.

We can do this here and now if you want.

I don't really think that'd be fair

to your grandmother, though.

Do you?

I'd hate for her

to have to see this.

You f***ing bastard.

Come on, now.

God damn it.

I made that jump a dozen times

when I was a kid,

not so much as

a f***ing scratch.

Well, your body goes to the shitter

the older you get, Andy.

No, I got a f***ing curse on me,

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