Reality Bites Page #4

to the tweaked-out

little skanks you date.

To hell with it.

What do I care?

What do you care?

And why are you acting...

like a jealous boyfriend

all of a sudden?

I am not acting like anything.

I am calmly reading.

God. If something's

bothering you that much...

I wish you could just be man

enough to talk to me about it.

All right, Lelaina.

I am really in love with you.

Is that what you want to hear?

Is it?

Well, don't flatter yourself.

Go to hell.

Since I've been

manager here...

our gross has increased

over twenty percent.

So...

What?

OK. OK. Um...

I guess I'm proud of that.

Oh, please.

Look at this sweater.

People don't know.

They don't know what it takes.

I've never been

a good example before...

and, um... I've never been good

with responsibility.

So, uh...

I blame my parents, though.

I think I was conceived

on an acid trip.

My parents got divorced

when I was 5 years old.

And I saw my father about

three times a year after that.

And when he found out

that he had cancer...

he decided to bring me here...

and he gives me

this big pink sea shell...

and he says to me...

"Son, the answers are all

inside of this. "

And I'm all, like, "What?"

But then I realized

that the shell was empty.

There's no point

to any of this.

It's all just a...

A random lottery

of meaningless tragedy...

and a series

of near escapes.

So I take pleasure

in the details, you know.

A Quarter-Pounder with cheese.

Those are good.

The sky about... ten minutes

before it starts to rain.

The moment where your laughter

becomes a cackle.

And I sit back, and I...

I smoke my Camel straights.

And I ride my own melt.

Come on. Come on.

No lagging.

The free clinic A.I.D.S. test.

The rite of passage

for our generation.

We're so lucky.

Come on.

So, Vick, why are you

getting tested?

One of my friends

tested positive.

To be on the safe side...

you know.

Vickie Miner.

WOMAN, LOUDER:

Vickie Miner.

You can forget it.

Come on, Grant.

That... It's incredible.

It's junk.

Depressing junk.

You know my rules

for the "Video View"...

light and perky.

Look, Lelaina, maybe I should

talk to Grant alone about this.

Look, she's got real talent...

and I want to put her on staff.

I will not have

Miss Pierce on staff.

I will walk out of here

if that happens.

You watch.

OK, calm down.

It's no big deal.

We don't have to have her.

Besides,

having to look...

at that girl's pointy

little face all day...

it would make me ill.

Just get rid of her...

like I asked you to do

in the first place.

...I'll get there.

If I don't know where to go,

I'll get there.

If I don't know...

Ten seconds...

nine, eight, seven...

six, five, four...

Is this a good morning or what?

Ha ha ha! Well, with us today

is Libby Kumbaugh...

the author of this book...

"Mommy, Why Do I Hate Myself?

"Self-Esteem

for Parent and Child. "

-Good morning, Libby.

-Good morning, Grant.

Good morning! Now, Libby...

I'm concerned with self-esteem.

Personally, I've always had

an odd preference...

for very, very young girls.

I...

Being a total prick...

...Iy pear, I...

Why don't we welcome

this audience again, huh?

Good morning!

I make more of a mess

than Ruby does.

Hi. You guys, we have to have

a family meeting.

Something's happened.

Oh, no! They've discovered

Nutrasweet causes you...

to grow a third eye.

Let me just say that

everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah,

it's not a big deal.

She'll just wear

a patch over it.

I'm working out a plan.

Yeah, there's

a surgeon in Paris.

He'll just remove it

for free.

-Just don't panic.

-It's not contagious.

Would you shut up?

I just got fired.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

What happened?

You got fired?

I mean, that just screws up

my whole idea of good and evil.

It's not like I had

a hysterectomy or anything.

I just... I got fired. I'll find

something else, you know.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

You're hired.

I need a part-timer.

You need a job.

That would be so cool.

It's only, like, five dollars

an hour. No big deal.

But it's a pretty good

opportunity.

Yeah,

it's a dream come true.

It is.

You know, Vick,

I said I'm working out a plan.

Yeah.

So, what's the plan?

I'm not gonna work

at the Gap, for Christ's sake.

OK?

-No. I mean...

-Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Oh, how stupid of me to try

to drag you down to my level.

-Vickie, you don't do this, OK?

-Shut up.

Come on.

This is just...

You know I didn't mean it.

Vickie.

You see, this is

where Troy was fired...

from his eleventh job.

He was an illustrious

office cleaner.

Now if you'll come

this way, please...

we will continue our short

but happy walking tour...

of the career

of Troy Dyer.

And here we have

the newsstand...

where Troy dared

to ask the question...

Are employee snacks subsidized?

The answer... tragically, no.

In total, he has been fired...

from... yes, count them...

twelve jobs.

Twelve? Ouch.

So you shouldn't feel so bad.

One of these mornings, I'm going

to wake up before noon and...

Ha ha. Yeah, right.

And I'm gonna turn on the TV...

and there Bryant Gumbel

will be, and he'll say...

"Today we have with us...

"the Pulitzer Prize winning

documentarian Lelaina Pierce.

"Lelaina, after your first film,

Why Barbie Is Bad... "

"You seem to have forgotten

all about...

"your best friend, Troy Dyer. "

Troy who?

What was that name again?

Oh, right through the heart.

I'll probably be working

at the Whole Foods...

playing warehouses...

hanging around places

like the Radio Shack...

screaming that

I used to know you...

and you'll be there

in the lights...

and you'll be all beautiful

and sh*t.

Oh, Troy. No, no, no.

That'll never happen.

They would never hire you

at Whole Foods.

You see, Lainie,

this is all we need...

a couple of smokes,

a cup of coffee...

And a little bit

of conversation.

You and me and five bucks.

You got it.

-You know what?

-Hmm?

-No, no, no.

-What?

Troy, I can't. I can't.

Why not?

You never thought about it?

Well, yes, of course

I have, but I...

But what?

I can't not be friends

with you, OK?

I don't want that. That's not

what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about a...

you know, evolving.

I just can't handle

this right now.

I can't evolve right now.

Why not?

Because of Michael?

No.

Yeah. Yes. Yes.

My parents got divorced

when I was fourteen.

My dad... the dog...

he remarried six months

after the divorce.

Wow. That's quick.

How did everybody react?

Um... my mom threatened

to kill herself in front of me.

Patty got drunk in her closet...

every morning

before junior high school.

And you?

Well, um...

Somebody had to remember

to take out the trash...

sign the report cards,

buy the milk.

So, um... that kind of ended up

being me.

I don't want to get married...

because I see

how my parents are.

And they've been together,

like, 26 years...

and they're like brother

and sister at this point.

My mother goes to the bathroom

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