Reckless Kelly Page #4

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When the movie's finished,

I'll pay you 1 million bucks.

You got a deal.

Mom, if we can just

find the right actress

to play opposite Ned...

then every lovesick couple,

every lonely guy and gal,

every family in America

will be saying, "Let's rent a video!"

It's going to be a great movie.

It's called...

The Christian Cowboy.

It's about a gunslinging stranger

who cleans up Las Vegas

and falls in love with a beautiful nun.

Look, I could be accepted

into the newest Shakespearean

drama school in England.

I won't throw that away

to be in some totally crass movie.

Bye. I got to run.

With your help, we can

buy Reckless Island

and save it from ecological disaster.

You mean...

if I do this movie with you,

it'll save your wilderness?

It's the only chance we've got.

Look,

the head of the studio told me

he's got the best writer in Hollywood

working on the script,

so it'll probably be like Shakespeare.

Christian Cowboy, take 1.

I want to thank my Jesus

for the way that I feel

I'm so full of religion

I just can't be still

I want to sing it and shout it

And let the people know

That I'm saved by his mercy

And I'm ready to go

That's why I'm happy

Yes, I'm happy

Happy on my way

Rejoicing and singing

His praises every dails

For Jesus is near me,

and there he will stay

That's why I'm happy

Yes, I'm happy, happy on my way

I repeat--

repent, sinners!

Jesus said...

gambling is Satan's tool.

Beware of the work of the devil,

or your souls will burn

in the fires of hell!

Hey!

Look, dudes! Ha ha ha!

It's the Christian Cowboy!

Hah!

The word of the lord

is the only way to your salvation.

Prayer time, sinners!

Aah!

- Ow!

- Aah!

Aah!

Uhh...

That's one way of doing it, I guess.

Oh, Reverend.

I thank the lord

you brought that... big gun to town.

Ma'am,

you're a fine-lookin' nun.

You better get thee to a nunnery.

Love this!

Cut it, Lyle.

Freeze, Mr. Kelly. Music down.

Turning off the blue screen.

Cut!

That's-- that's a wrap for day one.

Call tomorrow, 6am.

Fantastic.

Robin, you're a natural.

Ned, what's the scoop

with your ad lib line--

"Better get thee to a nunnery"?

It was Robin's idea.

Uh, it's hamlet's line to Ophelia.

It's classic Shakespeare.

Who the hell's Shakespeare?

He's only the greatest

english writer of all time.

Well, he'd better have

an american work permit.

I don't want union trouble.

He died 400 years ago.

I thought it sounded stale.

Let's stick to Bernie's script.

You're on another winner, Bernie.

Thanks.

I'm adding some extra violence.

If it's 400 years old,

that means legally all his

stuff is out of copyright.

What are you saying?

It's free.

Hey, Bernie,

on second thought,

there may be something

to this Shakespeare stuff.

Get some of his old scripts

and freshen them up.

Who are you?

Big Mac...

Beth.

To blow your head off

or...

not blow your head off--

that is the question.

That's the last of 'em.

How can the sisters of Las Vegas

ever repay you for cleanin' up

the rottenest town in the west?

Well, ma'am,

you could kick that habit

and marry me.

Ohh, yes!

Amen.

Cut!

Lost somethin'?

Yeah.

My driver.

Where you headin'?

To my hotel.

I'll give you a ride.

There you go.

Thanks, mister.

No worries.

Oh!

Climb on.

As love rides up

It's though a lone ranger

Changed you into somethin'

Rich and strange

Stranger than fiction

Truth or the dare

I say, when you come down

You say, come down from where?

Riding to the future

would be easy for you

To fall into your heart

would be easy to do

Love doesn't come as you like it

Love your rocket dreams

Repossess your soul...

Love doesn't come as you like it

Ain't no other Cupids

Arrow can't go through

No woman is an island

Not even you

Standin' here together...

Thanks for the ride.

I'll see you. In makeup. Ciao.

Oh, wait.

Why don't I lend you this?

Thanks.

I got to go.

Bye.

Bye.

"All the world's a stage,

and all the men and

women merely players."

"They have their exits

and their entrances."

"And each person in time

plays many parts."

Wrap the set.

OK, wrap it, and thank you.

She'll sleep with anything.

She's sleeping with the director.

So am I.

What?

Hollywood.

What a place.

One day you're a bank robber,

the next day you're a movie star.

All I had to do was finish the movie,

and I'd have the money.

I knew everyone back home

had been countin' on me.

It was time to tell 'em the good news.

Lights, camera, action!

You're the star

of a happy Hollywood video letter.

Your 20 second starts... now.

Hi, Dan.

Hi, Joe.

Ooh.

Video letter.

What is it?

Hmm.

Hi, Dan. Hi, Joe.

It's Ned!

I think he's wearing makeup.

You don't reckon he's

turned kinky, do you?

Guess what.

I'm an actor.

Gee.

The time's nearly up.

Well...

I just wanted you blokes to know

that when I finish my movie,

I'll be gettin' 1 mi--

Get away. No photographs.

Shoo!

Come on, Ernie.

Let's get some autographs.

Any stars coming in this mornin'?

G'day, Ralph.

G'day, mate. Mr. Kelly.

Can I have your autograph?

Sure.

Please write, "To Hank."

I really admire what you do.

I could never be an actor.

I'd be too afraid.

Uh, make mine out, "To Ernie."

Ms. Banks,

will you be moving into a

secret Hollywood love nest,

and if so, with who?

Hey! There he is!

Where? Where?

Ned...

Do you like carrots?

Yeah.

Mr. Kelly, don't you feel

your gratuitous use of guns on screen

is helping to create a

more dangerous society?

From an intellectual basis--

Let me handle this.

Hey, smarty-pants, where you from?

New York.

- Oh!

- Oh!

Well, here in Hollywood,

it's personality questions only.

Mr. Kelly,

what color underpants do you wear?

Black.

Ooh!

Outrageous.

You better get into makeup.

I'd like to ask Mr. Kelly

another question.

Go take a meeting.

Hey, buddy, watch your language.

Why don't you keep in touch?

You keep in touch.

You keep in touch.

You keep in touch!

You keep in touch!

No!

You keep in touch!

I'm not gonna keep in touch,

'cause you can keep in touch!

I got Ned Kelly's autograph.

That wasn't Ned Kelly.

Who are you?

I'm the president of the Ned Kelly...

Fan Club.

And that wasn't him.

Who was it, then?

A thief.

He stole Ned Kelly's identity.

Well, he signed Ned Kelly's name.

Yeah. He wrote mine, too.

Look. "To Ernie."

If he wrote your name,

then he's stolen your identity, too.

What do you mean?

When your identity's been stolen,

you're no longer yourself.

You've got no personality.

You're nobody.

I want my identity back.

Automatic.

Silencer.

Semiautomatic.

Price check.

Man targets.

Regular size.

You have no choice.

He's stolen your identity, aren't he?

Maybe. I--

I haven't been feeling myself lately.

Man target's on special-- 9.05!

That's the way they operate.

We believe he's an alien,

possibly from another planet.

It's time to make our move.

Wib, are you prepared?

Absolutely, Sir John.

My people here are fully trained.

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