Religulous Page #9

all nations throughout the years.

...'cause they're all dead.

How many people died in the Holocaust?

You're jumping.

Let's jump to the Holocaust.

I thought the issue

was Jewish safety.

I thought the issue was

how many Jews are dying.

So let's talk

about Jewish safety.

Okay, I'm sure there was a few...

A couple million Jews died,

that's okay, that's the wording you use?

You're the one who went

to Iran in December 2006

for the president

of that country's

Holocaust "denial" conference.

Whoa, don't just throw words.

Why does Ahmadinejad say

that he wants Israel

- to be wiped from the face of the...

- When did he say that?

- He did.

- He never said that.

What did he say?

What was the exact quote?

- He said it should disappear.

- What, is he David Copperfield?

- That's chutzpah.

- Never again, Rabbi, never again.

Wait. One more second.

No, I'm out.

We have Conservatives.

We have Reforms.

We have the Orthodox.

You are an observing Jew.

It says it right there

in the fourth commandment:

Honor the Sabbath day

to keep it holy.

Friday night to Saturday night,

you don't do anything.

Yeah, the rabbis over the centuries

have created these prohibitions

as a way to try

to protect the day of rest.

You can't use electricity.

You can't drive.

Let's talk a little about

keeping the Sabbath holy.

I've always wondered

if it came about

because God rested

on the Sabbath

and that's why man has to.

That's right,

and that was the creation

of the seventh day,

that there should be rest.

There are 39 types of specific actions

that cannot be done on the Sabbath.

One of them is lighting a fire.

Planting. Another one is plowing.

Another one is

tying a knot, untying a knot.

One is building, and one is

destroying so as to build.

So much more kosher is

to develop these gadgets

- that figure out a way around it.

- That's right.

It does seem that you are,

to a degree,

trying to outsmart God.

If the lawmaker never

makes a mistake,

and still there's a loophole there,

why is that loophole there?

To be used in a situation of need.

But how did this get updated

for a 4,000-year-old rule?

It seems there's an awful lot

that has to do with electricity.

Rabbi Halperin's work here

is translating it

into something more modern.

Let's look at some

of the gadgets you have.

I'm particularly interested in

the phone. Is there not a cell phone?

It's not a cell phone.

Okay, wow.

I have to say,

that looks modern.

Each number is trying

to dial itself all the time.

Hello. Hello.

When I take the stick

- and I put it into the hole...

- Hello.

...l'm inhibiting that

which is inhibiting

the number from dialing itself.

Let me ask about this.

It's obviously a wheelchair.

- May I?

- Sure.

Oh, wow.

And this is not the new model,

I'm guessing.

- This is the experimental prototype.

- I see.

Schmuck!

- This runs on air pressure, right?

- Correct.

Basically, we've got

of pressure here.

We've got the turning it on,

turning it off here.

So air is okay.

- Air good. Fire bad.

- Fire bad.

Fire bad!

We've taken an old bicycle...

- I forgot what it's called.

- Tire.

Okay. Air goes in,

air goes out.

If I was a person

in that wheelchair,

I might say to myself,

"Why am I going to these lengths

to please God, who's taken away

my legs to begin with?"

Okay.

That would be fascinating.

It's an elevator.

Oh, it's a Shabbatavator.

Let me guess,

you can't push a button...

- Correct.

...on the Sabbath.

The issues behind the scenes that

people don't see are the real problems.

An even bigger problem might

be how do you get someone

to put this in their building if

they're not completely nuts?

Well, actually, that really

doesn't make a difference.

Hmm.

How we define what is

crazy or not crazy

about religions is ultimately up

to how we define crazy.

If you define mental illness

as anyone who hears a voice

talking to them, then anyone who has

heard the voice of God is crazy.

She talks about a prophecy

that these children needed to die.

The dispatcher asked

"Why did you do this?"

"I was told to."

"Who told you?" "God."

There is nothing

He may not ask of thee?

But in layman's terms,

Jesus was nuts.

Moses..."Stay here,

I'm going up

and getting the 10 Commandments

right from God."

You know, 'cause one

thing I've also...

We didn't have brain-scan technology

back then, so it's a hard to tell.

I know, but if a guy says he went

up on a mountain and he talked to God,

and He talked to him

through a burning bush,

that guy's a cuckoo.

All those pastors who refer to me

as the anti-Christ, false prophet,

it's because they're miserable.

Anyone who doesn't believe

in me is miserable.

- My mike is on?

- Yes, sir.

Okay, who are you Biblically?

I am Jesus Christ man,

the second coming of Christ, I am.

The Old Testament speaks

about me clearly

and the New Testament also.

- About you personally?

- Yes.

Not just because you have...

you share the name Jesus?

- No, not because of that.

- You also share the name Miranda.

Maybe you're Carmen Miranda.

Maybe the second coming of her?

You should have fruit on your head,

instead of fruit in your head.

Okay. F*** you.

How's that?

Why do you think

God chose you?

Jesus of Nazareth had a wife

so after they killed him,

his seed kept going,

maybe through France, Spain,

and then from Spain,

came to Puerto Rico.

The bloodline come

from Abraham, Abraham to David,

David to Jesus of Nazareth,

Jesus of Nazareth, me.

Okay, I though a second coming

was the reincarnation

of the Christ himself,

not a descendant of.

No, he's a descendant.

Descendant? Oh... but

you don't believe in hell?

- No.

- Or the Devil?

- No.

- Or even sin, right?

No, there's not

a sin any longer.

What you teach is that

Jesus died for our sins

and so there's not really

any sinning anymore.

- No more sin.

- This is like a diet doctor saying,

- "Eat anything you want."

- Right.

"You don't lose weight,

but it's easy to stick to."

That's what I believe, Bill.

Oh, I know you do.

And I have many people

who believe in this.

And yet, you have a little...

you have a little twinkle

in your eye when say it.

No, I believe in that.

I believe.

How do we know? Because lots

of people would like this job.

How do you get this job

as the second coming?

It's not on Craigslist.

- Yeah.

- I'm guessing. Maybe it is.

See, two angels...

Two guys named Angel,

Spanish guys.

You know what I'm talking about,

you f***ing cockroach!

- No.

- Oh, actual angels.

- Two angels came to me...

- Okay.

...and they told me

"The Lord of Lords

and King of Kings

is coming to anoint you

for the ministry tonight."

What form did the angels come in?

How tall?

Little tall and strong.

Whatever they told me,

I obey.

I don't wanna mess

with them.

But I'm just saying,

it seems that if God wanted

to communicate something

to the world...

He's all powerful...

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