Renaissance Man Page #3

I won an advertising award.

What am I doin here?

[ Sighs ]

-Maybe I could hock it.

-[ Banging ]

[ Recruits Chanting ]

Hi. [ Chuckles ]

Im Bill Rago.

Uh, welcome to...

the first class

in basic comprehension.

[ Exhales ]

Ive never taught before...

and youve never thought before,

[ Chuckles ] so good luck to all of us.

[ Sighs ]

Oh.

[ Mumbles ] What am I gonna do?

-[ Man ] Left.! Left, right.

-[ Recruits ] Warriors.!

-Left! Left! Left, right!

-Warriors!

-Left.! Left.! Left, right.!

-One, two, Warriors.!

Left! Left!

Left, column right, march!

Left! Left!

Left, right, left.

Left! Left!

Left, right, left.

Squad, halt!

-[ Marching Stops ]

-Left, face!

Sir!

First squad reporting

for instructions, sir! Sound off!.

Sir, Private Myers, 1 02 4, sir!

Sir, Private Benitez, 7 061 , sir!

-Sir, Private Haywood, 389--

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[ Chuckles ] Lighten up. Uh, you guys

dont have to do this.

This is just a class. Were not

invading Angola here. [ Chuckles ]

Uh--

-Um--

-Sir, permission to speak, sir.

-Yeah, sure, speak.

-Sir, what should we call you, sir?

Bill.

[ Clears Throat ]

Uh, si-sir! I think the private

means your rank, sir!

Well, I dont have one.

Im a civilian.

-Oh, man.

-What?

You got to be kidding me. They let

a civilian in here. I dont believe this.

To teach double-Ds? Who do you think

they gonna get, Colin Powell?

-[ Squad Leader ] Squad, sit.

-I aint no double-D, homeboy.

You speak for your damn self.

Wait, hold up. You in here

by accident? You somebody

special? I dont think so.

-Sit your dumb double-D ass

down, Haywood.

-Screw you.

-Asswipe.

-Screw you!

-[ All Chattering At Once ]

-You wanna sit down or you

want me to sit you down?

Haywood!

Haywood!

-Stop it.!

-Whoa, whoa.

-Guys, guys.

-Haywood, sit down. Yo, yo.

-Sit down. Sit down.

-Thats Shaolin, see?

-Why dont you do something?

-What do you want me to do?

Haywood, sit down.

Haywood, sit down.

Hey! Hello? Hello!

-[ All Chattering At Once ]

-[ Whistling ]

What the hells goin on here?

-That dumb-ass hillbilly

talkin that bullshit.

-Look at your dumb ass.

Haywood, please!

-Look, you dont wanna be here

and I dont wanna be here.

-You got that right.

So lets just make

the best of this, okay?

God! Squeakers.

And whats a double-D?

The whole fort calls us double-Ds.

[ Barking Continues ]

[ Howling ]

All right, Im supposed

to take attendance now.

So, uh, help me out, all right?

[ Whispers ]

Ill help you out.

-Benitez, Donald.

-Yup, yup.

Thats me. Present.

New York City, New York.

-[ Scoffs ] Who would a guessed?

-Youre killin me, Haywood.

-[ Haywood ] I just might.

-Haywood.

Here we go. Tommy Lee.

Present, sir. Tommy Lee Haywood.

Willacoochee, Georgia.

Is that as small as it sounds?

-No, sir.

-Sooey.!

Small? This boy grew up in a cave.

His mother come downstairs every morning.

[ Stomping ] Tommy Lee.

Time for breakfast. Run on out there

and scrape up a squirrel.

Were gonna have us

a "roadkill omelette".

Aaah, back at ya.

[ Bill ] Hobbs, Roosevelt.

-Uh, it says here youre from Detroit?

-Mm-hmm.

-What part?

-The part you drive through doin 85.

-Been there.

-Mm-hmm.

-Is anybody else from Detroit?

-Hoo-ah.

-Yeah.

Miranda Myers, it says Cleveland here.

Yeah, I lived there too. I lived

in Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Miami, L.A.

-Seattle.

-Any particular reason?

My mother liked to drive.

-Sound like she liked that

back seat kinda right too.

-Excuse me.

-[ Bill ] All right, all right.

-[ Groans ] Yo!

-Now, you deserved that.

-True.

-She hit harder than you, Haywood.

-[ Haywood ] Very funny.

Leroy Jackson.

Yes, sir. Um, but thats

Jackson Leroy, sir.

Oh, sorry. It says here

you play football.

-Yes, sir. Well, I--I did for a while.

-All-state.

-Yeah. Um--yeah.

-This boy was all-planet.

I seen him one time pick off

a pass and go 90 yards through

the other team like, bang.!

Left em all on the field.

Dead. This boy got skill.!

Gimme some love, kid.

Two times. Go ahead,

sit on down, Heisman boy.

You should a won the Heisman.

-What?

-Uh--

Brian Davis, Junior, sir.

Grand Forks, North Dakota.

-Hey, Bill. Ask him about his daddy.

-Yeah.

Shut up, Benitez!

-My daddy was the bravest

and neatest soldier...

-[ Bill ] Hey.!

-in the whole wide world.

-Everybody shut up! God!

Um, Melvin, Mel.

Charlotte, North Carolina.

Melvin Melvin?

-[ Snoring Lightly ]

-Is he up?

Mel. He does this

sometimes, Bill. Mel.

Hey, Bill, he was at the B.R.M.

yesterday in the hole

with his rifle, just like this.

-[ Snores ]

-And youre--

Me? Montgomery, Jamaal,

from Detroit, Michigan.

Jamaal, you mind letting

these people speak for themselves?

How he gonna speak?

That boy droolin down his chest.

None of the others are.

You got a wise comment for everybody.

Bill, whats the matter?

Im tryin to help you. Im

your assistant. Whats what?

-Yeah, well youre succeeding

in bein an a**hole.

-Aw, thank you!

Hey, he cant do that.

You cant do that. You cant

do that. You cannot do that.

-It says in the rule book--

-Thank you.

Shut up! No soldier shall

be singled out for abusive

mistreatment of any kind!

-Thats regulation.

Leroy, I want a new teacher.

-Shut up.

-Shut up?

-Shut up.

[ Bill ] All right, all right.

[ Sighs ] So much for attendance.

So, Mr. Rago,

what are you gonna teach us?

Thats a good question.

Anybody got any ideas?

How bout teachin

somebody to get a job?

Uh--

Everybody will read something.

What?

Not for nothin, I mean,

I dont see any books.

Maybe you do, but I dont.

-You know what Im sayin.

-All right.

Then well all write something.

Would you hand these out for me?

-[ Benitez ] Hoo-ah.!

-Here you go. Thanks.

Um... start now and have these ready

for the next class.

Uh, write about... why youre here.

-This is where they told us to come.

-No.

I mean the magical twist of fate

that prompted you to gravitate...

toward this institute of imbeciles.

What?

Write why you joined the army.

Why I joined the army.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Montgomery ] I joined to be

with you, Billy boy.

Do you want us to,

like, write that at the top, sir?

W-Why I joined the army?

[ Sighs ]

-[ Bugle Playing Reveille ]

-[ Groans ]

[ Troops Shouting ]

-[ Bangs Table ]

-[ Groaning ]

[ Shouting Continues ]

What the hecks goin on here?

What the heck is goin on

at 4:
30 in the morning?

[ Shouting Continues ]

I hate this place!

A bunch of banshees.!

What? You have to do this here?

On my lawn? Cant you take it

six blocks down the road?

What are you doin here?

Aw, thats it. I cant stand

this job. Im outta here.

Platoon, attention!

More P.T., Drill Sergeant!

More P.T.! We like it! We love it!

We want more of it! Make it hurt,

Drill Sergeant! Make it hurt! Hooo!

[ Bill ] Find me something.

Ill do it for free. If they

like it, they can pay me.

Ill work nights. Nobody

sleeps around here anyway.

No, no, no, youre not listening to me,

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