Reunion Page #4

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- Hi!

What's the matter with you?

He's worried that something's

wrong with his privates.

Shut your pie hole.

Why won't you answer

my text messages?

Because they choke up

my memory card fifty times a week.

I know we're different, but ...

... I wouldn't say no.

Right, but it's Thomas and I

who are meant for each other.

Andreas!

Where are we going?

There.

You've got smile wrinkles.

One or two, maybe.

The rest is pure decay.

What's with the negative vibes?

I know what you need.

- One of these.

- One of those?

They're wicked.

They make you totally happy.

And you've taken

one of those wicked things?

You have to.

To be able to cope.

To cope?

You're young and beautiful.

This should be

the time of your life.

Right, and it always snowed on

Christmas when you were young.

I haven't got a boyfriend and I

don't know what to do with my life.

I haven't got a clue.

And these help?

No, they just help me forget

all the bullshit and have a good time.

Right, but ...

I think I'll pass.

Save it for a rainy day, then.

I'm married.

I know.

We're just comforting

each other, right?

Right?

How could anyone wanna

go down on that mess?

It's all one big rash.

I should be quarantined

for endangering the general public.

When are you gonna learn?

Booze and pills are a bad combo.

Niels?

Niels! Niels!

Niels!

Good thing you're here.

Thomas is wasted.

Where the hell have you been?

What've you been doing?

I was chasing Karsten -

- and then we went to Christiania.

And some girl named Simone

wanted to have Thomas's baby.

She tried to rape him -

- and I had to nick this from

some hobos. Long story.

- Where the hell is Thomas?

- In there!

Give me a hand with him.

Thomas!

It happens all the f***ing time!

It happens all the time.

One of us got lucky, huh?

I miss Laerke.

She has the softest cheeks

in the world. I love her.

Then why aren't you together?

I'd like to.

But what if I can't make her happy?

You don't know for sure.

But what ... what if you can?

Who'd want

a man who can't have kids?

You don't know that for sure.

But maybe Laerke would.

Thomas, it's not Laerke.

- Is it Simone?

- No, it's Sanne.

Sanne?

- The one I had dibs on?

- Jesus ...

And you're supposed to be my friend.

I'm the one who's single.

I'm the one who needs a girl

and you're hogging them all.

In my own bed even!

F***, what a bummer!

What a bummer.

Jealousy is a b*tch,

but this time it's justified.

- I totally agree.

- Jealous of who?

Of you, because you always

bag all the hotties.

- Big-butt Eva and ...

- I've never been with Eva.

Jette. The kids.

The family, the Berlingo,

the mortgage payments ...

Leave it.

I'm sleeping on the couch.

I'm sleeping out here.

That way Simone won't find me.

Simone?

Sanne, you need to stop

popping those pills.

"It's been

twenty-five years since ..."

You've gotta help me.

In four hours I have to give a speech

and it's nowhere near done.

Just a sec. Someone's inserted

a vuvuzela into my brain.

- What am I supposed to say?

- I'm not helping you.

Shut up about Sanne.

Niels says he didn't sleep with her.

I won't make it in time.

Just say you were hung over.

And be left with self-confidence

the size of a hamster penis?

Speaking of penis ...

Damn, that sh*t itches.

It itches like crazy.

Why the hell did we have to

shave our nuts?

You get used to it.

Knock it off. People will think

you've got crabs.

It gets worse

the more you scratch.

It burns ...

Ow, it burns.

It burns? Let's do something

about that. Drink some milk.

Better now?

Can you wiggle your ears?

- I'm going insane.

- Gentlemen ...

I'll have to ask you

to come with me.

- Why?

- We saw you jerking off!

- Jerking off?

- Don't try to act stupid.

- What's going on?

- There must be some mistake.

We weren't jerking off. We've just

shaved our crotch and it itches.

- You need to come with me.

- How old are you anyway?

Sit down and leave me alone!

How old are you? Do you even

know what's going on here?

Do you have any respect at all?

No, you don't.

Why do you think apes

follow a grey-haired leader?

You don't know, so I'll tell you.

It's because grey shows experience.

All the females sit around thinking:

"That monkey knows what time it is!"

"He's got his sh*t together.

He knows what it's all about."

- Then what is this about?

- That's more like it.

Nada. This is about nothing.

We've all got kids.

Except Thomas, but ...

We're going to the clinic

to find out if he can have kids.

- Thomas and kids, they're like this.

- What's going on?

There's been a misunderstanding.

We just tried to help your daughter.

Listen up!

We beat our meat

less than 24 hours ago, so ...

- I'm getting my boss.

- A silverback I can talk to!

Eat your sausage.

Why can't you control yourself?

We sat in that office for two hours -

- because of

your ridiculous behaviour.

You could have been helping me

with my speech instead.

Just pipe down, all right?

It's not about you right now.

- It's about Thomas's sperm.

- Hi there.

This is yours. Mr. Boedker.

And this one's for you.

Could you open yours first?

Super sperm! Way to go!

Up yours, psycho Karsten!

Forty years old and still going

strong. What does yours say?

Excuse me,

could you please explain this?

It basically says

that your sperm count is so low -

- that it'll be hard for you

to have kids.

- But I have kids.

- That must've been some years back.

Too right.

- Do you smoke?

- No.

He's got reading glasses,

but never uses them.

- Maybe you're stressed out.

- You are. No doubt about it.

He's giving a speech today

and it's nowhere near done.

Never mind.

What does yours say?

I'm not opening mine. I can't come

to the reunion with a negative result.

But I can? I can stand in front of

a crowd feeling sorry for myself?

Now open it.

Open the goddamn thing!

What the hells wrong with you?

Stop it! What's wrong?

You have two great kids and

a hot wife. You should be grateful.

Have some sympathy for me.

Super sperm and nowhere to put it.

- You were gonna get a vasectomy.

- That's totally irrelevant!

Even if I cant join the party,

I'd appreciate the invitation.

Come on, Niels.

Or do you wanna impress people

in your new pyjama trousers?

- Is the speech done?

- Sure.

- Wanna hear it?

- Yeah.

"Crap. Crap. Crap."

"Pathetic old crap."

That's one way of putting it.

I think the middle part

needs some work.

Why do people

go to these reunions anyway?

To see who's the most successful

and who's had the most fun.

- I'm not having any fun.

- But I am!

Niels is not amused.

Maybe you should cheer him up.

Hello, everybody. It's so good

to see you all together again.

As you can hear, I had a minor mishap.

My balls got stuck in a sauna.

Niels, come on. Get dressed.

You're giving that speech, or you'll

end up hating yourself even more.

What if I'm a flop?

- That'll make you hate yourself, too.

- Great.

You need to gamble a bit if you

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