Richard Pryor: Live in Concert Page #2

---

You all better do something.

Cause if you don't,

You know what happened

to that car on new year.

We got you, rich,

we got you, we got you.

Don't worry.

And they won't bite sh*t, right.

I mean, they very

intelligent dogs, though, right.

I mean, they be reading

dog food cans and sh*t.

They do.

Alpo, no meat byproducts,

no soybeans.

Yeah, rich, this will be good,

fix that up for us, please.

Could we have a little wine

with that, perhaps.

And a burglar come in the house,

Say don't f***

with the dinner plates.

You can have all

this sh*t up here.

So I got a, a Doberman, right.

One of them

bad mother f***ers, right.

Somebody stole him.

That's how bad he was.

And I got him from

a dog home, you know,

You can get dogs

from the dog home,

Save them from killing them,

you know.

I got him from the dog home,

And somebody had abused him

real bad,

Cause every time I called him,

he'd freak out.

I'd say, hey, champ.

What, sh*t, Jesus Christ,

What are you doing to me,

Don't do that sh*t,

Im telling you,

You're f***ing

with my head, man.

It's a real bummer, rich,

it's, god, please.

They're like that,

Dobermans are like that.

When they're puppies

they're real scared, man.

You look at them,

they're.

But when they get older,

They don't even like for you

to stare at them, right.

Most dogs you can stare down,

You look at a dog too long

they go.

You stare at a Doberman,

Doberman be

I don't play that sh*t.

And then they show you

their teeth, right,

This look like Im smiling,

mother f***er.

I'm about to get in your ass.

And they make real good

watch dogs, right,

But the only problem is

They let burglars come in

your house.

They do.

They burglar, yeah,

come on in, come on, yeah,

Come on in the bedroom,

Let me show you

where the money is,

Yeah, come on in.

Get all that, yeah,

Come on in the kitchen,

get silver,

Hurry up, come on, yeah,

come on.

And they wait for the burglar

to hit the door,

That's when they turn

into the exorcist, right.

The burglar go, they go,

you can't leave.

I want to play.

And that's how you find

the burglar

When you get home, right.

He'll be talking about, help me.

Please help me.

The mother f***ers

sound like the fly, help me.

The dog is going to bite

my a**hole out, help me.

Pets is something else, jack.

I got pets,

I love my little pets.

I got monkeys and sh*t.

My monkeys died, though.

Yeah.

I had two squirrel monkeys.

You ever seen

the squirrel monkeys?

They got them hands,

they freak a dog out.

They do.

They get on a dog

and them fingers touch a dog,

The dog go.

I had one named friend.

I named him friend cause the

first time I opened the cage,

He ran up my arm and stuck

his dick right in my ear.

He did.

Yeah, it felt like a wet tip

He pissed all on my cheek.

I had to throw him up

at the ceiling

He'd do that to anyone.

I'd invite over people,

you know,

Just to f*** with them,

you know.

I'd say, go on,

open the cage up, you know.

Up they arm,

I remember one time

This guy from warner brothers

was coming over,

He was going to do a film with me.

And he came over

and he opened the cage

And I said, don't open the cage!

The monkey

Well, you won't be doing

any films at warner brothers,

That's for goddamn sure.

Want to get this monkey's dick

out of my ear, rich.

Jesus Christ.

Come on, dear,

We'll put something

over my head there.

We'll just say it's a hump,

let's go.

So I got him a woman, you know,

cause he was f***ed up...

I got him a woman

Called her "sister," right.

He did the same to her,

Run right in the cage

And she said, freeze.

First thing, I got to

show you where the p*ssy is.

And he got him some

monkey p*ssy and freaked.

He just went out

of his mind, man.

Man, at night he'd be up

and unlocking the cage and sh*t.

And then they'd run away and

stay two and three days, right.

And you could hear him in

the tree,

Sometimes far away

Sometimes up front

Finally about the third day

He came in and

he was f***ed up, right,

And I left him

with some friends,

I had to go out of town,

I left him with

some friends to watch him.

And he had like a little gas

heater on the floor,

And they turned it on,

and they didn't have no matches,

And they died.

It killed them.

I was hurt, too, man.

I was, cause I came home

and found my monkeys was dead.

I said sh*t.

Cause I loved

my monkeys so much.

I was in the back yard,

I was crying.

And there was a dog that used to

live next door to us,

A German shepherd, right,

Big, ugly,

mean German shepherd.

He would bite anything.

And he jumped the fence

and came over there,

And I felt something

moving my hand like that

And it was him,

I was going to pet him.

He looked at me and he said,

what's the matter, rich.

I said, my monkeys died.

He said, what?

Your monkeys died?

Isnt that a b*tch.

You mean the two monkeys

used to be in the trees,

They died?

I said, yeah, they died.

He said, sh*t.

I was going to eat them, too.

He said, don't linger on

that sh*t too long, you know,

It f*** with you.

I said, Ill try.

Yeah, you take care.

Then he went back

and jumped over the fence.

And just before he jumped,

he looked back at me, he said,

Now, you know Im going to be

chasing you again tomorrow.

Yeah.

See, I love pets.

I do, I got like

a miniature horse,

You ever seen them,

A miniature horse

about this big.

Full grown, that's as big

as they're ever going to get.

Yes, ma'am, Im not lying,

named ginger.

A friend of mine, Burt Sugarman,

gave me this horse.

He helped me produce

my TV shows.

He gave me this horse

instead of money.

And the horse is nice

but it don't do nothing.

Horses don't do nothing

when they're that little

But eat and sh*t.

And horses sh*t while they walk.

They do, they be blob,

blob, blob, blob.

And steam be coming off

of horse sh*t, jack.

Horses got some terrible...

flies don't even f***

with horse sh*t.

Fly be talking about

And the first time

that my dogs saw the horse,

They thought it was

another dog, right,

Cause animals

don't have no racism,

They thought it was another dog.

They said, look,

There's another dog

with a long tail,

Let's go say hello.

And my cousin Denise,

She had a great Dane

staying with us,

They said, yeah, come on,

let's go over, yeah,

And they ran over.

Then that horse smell

hit their ass, right.

They said, hey,

This arent no goddamn dog.

And the great Dane said,

I don't know what it is,

But Im going to f*** it.

He come back and said,

well, you can f*** it.

And my two malamutes said well,

Let's see the b*tch,

let's see the b*tch.

I had to beat them off

with a cue stick,

I said get the f*** off

the door, god dammit,

Leave the horse alone.

Move, mother, get back.

They got even with me, too,

the dogs did.

Cause one time I was walking

with them in the front yard

And I heard one say

to the other one,

Let's f*** him.

You know, and you know how

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes