Richard Pryor: Live in Concert Page #3

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you be playing with your dogs,

And say, hey, get down.

Say, what the f*** is he doing,

get out of there, get your...

Hey, man, what... help!

And dogs, when you make dogs

stop f***ing,

They go f*** air

or anything, right.

You say, get down, god dammit.

Do you remember when the animals

used to get hooked up

When you was little,

That was some funny sh*t

to me, jack.

Cause they be

in the middle of the street,

Didn't know

which way to go, right.

Well, make up your mind, sh*t,

there's a car coming.

I always thought women

should have that kind of p*ssy

For rapists.

You know, the kind

that just lock up.

Right, cause that's some

vile sh*t

To take somebody's humanity

like that anyway, right.

At least the p*ssy ought

to be able to lock up, right,

And say.

Okay, let's go, come on.

Don't make a move

or Ill tighten up.

Just get going, come on.

Oh, sh*t.

Had a little pain

in my heart there,

I thought I was having

another heart attack.

I said, what.

You get scared after you

have a heart attack, though.

All the time, any time you feel

a little pain you go, huh.

Anyone here ever had

a heart attack?

The mother f***er's hurt.

I'm not bull shitting, man.

I was walking in the front yard,

I was just walking along

And someone said, don't breathe.

I was saying, huh?

Said you heard me,

mother f***er,

I said don't breathe.

Okay, I won't breathe,

I won't breathe,

Then shut the f*** up then.

Okay.

I'll shut up

don't kill me, don't kill me.

Get on one knee and prove it.

I'm on one knee,

Im on one knee.

Don't kill me, don't kill me.

Thinking about dying now,

arent you?

Yeah, Im thinking about dying,

Im thinking about dying.

You didn't think about it

When you was eating

all that pork.

Oh, no, you know black people

got high blood pressure anyway,

Yeah, I know it, I know it.

Then

watch your diet.

Don't kill me, don't kill me,

don't kill me, don't kill me.

You be thinking

about sh*t like that

When you think you're going to die.

Don't kill me, don't kill me,

don't kill me, don't kill me.

You put an emergency call

into god, too, right.

Can I speak to god

right away, please!

There's always some angel

talking about,

I'll have to put you on hold.

And then your heart get mad

after it find out

You was going behind its back

to talk to god.

Your heart say,

Was you trying to talk

to god behind my back?

You is a lying mother f***er

I woke up

in an ambulance, right.

And there was nothing

but white people staring at me.

I said, arent this a b*tch.

I died and wound up in

the wrong mother f***ing heaven.

Now I got to

listen to Lawrence Welk

The rest of my days.

But the paramedics

can save your ass, you know,

They really are something, man.

They... they are, man.

You have to give them

a lot of credit, they're good.

They say civilian people,

we can save people, you know.

Give them mouth-To-Mouth

resuscitation.

I don't know.

You know what I mean,

Cause if Im walking down

the street

And I see some mother f***er

laid all out

And slobber and sh*t

hanging out of his mouth,

He arent going to make it.

You know what I mean?

I'm going to say, say bro,

I don't think

you're going to make it,

Unless you can get somebody to

wipe that sh*t off your mouth.

Right, cause you could be

giving somebody

Mouth-To-Mouth resuscitation

And they die,

And death ease down your lungs.

Death don't give a f***

where it goes.

And if they can get two for one,

that's a good day for death.

And if you ever have to

go to the hospital,

Which I hope you never do,

Carry your own piss with you,

Cause that's what they want.

Soon as you get in the hospital

They want some blood,

and some piss.

You always have the blood,

but you never have the piss.

And they get mad at you.

You're not going to leave here

till you piss in that bottle.

And you never can piss.

You ever tried it?

Can you turn on

some water, please.

And if you do start,

You need eight

or nine bottles, right,

Nurse!

Hurry up, Im not going to make it!

And they be so nonchalant

with your piss, right.

They'll be talking about,

this your piss, thank you.

I could never grab

nobody's piss like that, jack.

I'd have to have

some prongs and sh*t

Before I grab some piss.

I'd be going, all right,

I'm going in

to get the piss now.

All right, I have the piss,

clear the hallway,

I'm coming through.

Everybody, back off, please.

And then they hook your ass

up to that machine, you know,

Where you look

like Frankenstein.

You get to watch

your life beep away.

Right, you be beep, beep.

You be watching, too, jack,

Cause if you see beep,

that's your ass.

Right, I woke up one morning,

I saw beep,

I said, ahhhhh!

Beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep,

Beep, beep.

Cause the hospital

arent no place to get well.

That's the truth,

that arent no joke.

You can die in there

and nobody give a f***,

Unless you john Wayne

or somebody.

See, john Wayne

can kick death's ass.

Did he?

I mean, the dude,

he had cancer one time,

Kicked death's ass.

Open heart surgery,

john Wayne kicked death's ass.

John Wayne just say,

get the f*** out of here, death.

See, they filming some sh*t

I wanted to tell you all.

I mean, like you didn't know.

You all arent going to get paid

sh*t, either.

So don't be asking me

for a mother f***ing thing

When the show is over.

Don't be saying, hey, n*gger,

where is my money for the movie.

No, I guess this is going to be

in the theater or something.

I don't know.

That's what they got

all this sh*t.

Richard Pryor:
what?

I can't hear you,

can you all get a spokesman.

Wait a minute.

What did you say,

I couldn't hear you, babe.

Wait, mother f***er,

I was talking to her.

What?

Preach, n*gger, preach.

Oh, thank you, dear,

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

That's black stuff.

Cause the white people

were looking confused,

What... what does

that mean, warren,

Preach, n*gger, preach.

What is that, actually?

Thinking about death, though,

I'd like to die

like my father died, right.

My father died f***ing.

He did.

My father was 57

when he died, right,

And the woman was 18.

My father came and went

at the same time.

And the... and the woman that

he was making love too, right,

Couldn't give away no p*ssy

for two years,

Cause people were going,

Un-Un, no, no, mmm,

uh, no baby, uh, no.

You done killed

one mother f***er with it,

That's all right.

No, that's some p*ssy

you can keep right there, mmm.

And I saw the lady recently,

And she's still a little

f***ed up about it, you know.

She came and said,

Im sorry I killed your father.

I said, miss,

what are you talking about.

I said, sh*t,

People get killed

in plane wrecks

And run over by buses and sh*t.

He died in your p*ssy.

That's called recycling.

You know, I just figure

God must have loved my father

an awful lot

To let him go out

like that, right.

Cause if I had a choice,

Now, men, you know the truth

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