Richard Pryor: Live in Concert Page #4

---

when I tell you

If you had a choice

between dying in some p*ssy

Or getting hit by a bus,

Which line would you be in?

I know which line

Im going to be in.

I'm going to be in

that long mother f***er, jack.

The funeral was

something else, too,

Because black funerals

Are different

than white funerals, right.

You know, white people

have funerals,

You don't give it up

at the funeral.

You do, I mean,

You love your dearly departed

as much as we do,

But at the funeral

You don't really

And then sometimes

they faint.

And see, black people let it

hang out at the funeral.

They don't care,

they're!

Lord have mercy,

Jesus, help me, lord,

Take me god, take me,

take me, take me!

Right.

And then they fall

all on your ass.

You say, goddamn, baby,

get your big ass off of me!

Say why in the f***

you going to kill me

Cause that n*gger dead?

Get off.

My grandmother could do that

sh*t real good,

Help me Jesus, lord have mercy

help me, help me, help me

Take me, take me.

That's how she made me

stop snorting cocaine.

She did, she pulled

that sh*t on me.

It worked, too, jack.

I had the nerve

to pull out some cocaine

At the dining room table,

And she had never

seen me do any, right.

And she looked at me

a long time, and she said,

Boy,

What's that you're putting

up your nose.

I said, cocaine, mamma.

Jesus, god, take me now,

lord, take me now, god,

Save my life, take me, take me,

take me, take me, god,

I said, mamma,

don't do that sh*t.

Look, Im throwing

the sh*t out, mamma,

Look, look,

$1600 wont of sh*t

down the drain, mamma.

She found out how much it cost

she said you dumb mother f***er!

You could have sold

some of that sh*t

Back to the man you got it from!

I told you that sh*t

would make you ignorant.

Goddamn your soul.

My grandmother is the lady

that used to disciple me, right.

You know, beat my ass.

Anyone here

remember them switches?

Yeah.

Right, you used to have

To get off the trees...

Yourself... and take them

leaves like that.

I see them trees today,

I will kill

one of them mother f***ers.

I will stop the car and say,

Wait, hold it, yeah,

listen, yeah, mm-Hmm,

You arent never going to grow up.

You won't be beating

nobody's ass.

Right, cause that's some...

do I have a tumor

or did it get dark in here?

Cause there's some hell

of a psychology, right,

To make you go get a switch to

beat your own ass with, right.

My grandmother said, boy,

Go get me something

to beat your ass with.

And that would be the longest

walk in the world, right.

You be talking about

And you be thinking

all kind of sh*t, right,

Cause you know

you done f***ed up, jack.

Like maybe it'll snow

before I get there or something.

Maybe she'll have a heart attack

and won't be able to whoop me.

I don't want to get no whooping

cause it's going to tear it up,

I know it.

And you know

you couldn't come back

With no little switch, right.

Cause if you did,

She'd go out and get the tree

And beat your ass

with it, right.

You'd be, please,

I don't want to get a whooping.

And you get them switches

And then you start cutting wind

on the way home, right.

You go.

Make you start crying

before you get in the house

Mamma!

Mamma, Im sorry!

Mamma please, mamma please,

mamma please,!

And my grandmother would get mad

And beat your ass

with anything, right.

You know, old douche bag cord,

anything.

Anyone here remember them old

douche bags they used to have?

The big red boys?

Used to hang in the bathroom,

Hold eight gallons of water.

My grandmother used to call it

a hot water bottle.

Right.

It be hanging in the bathroom

on a coat hanger,

Smell like vinegar.

My grandmother would snatch

the cord out of one of them boys

And tear your ass up

with it, right.

And Id always try to get out

of ass whooping, right,

By going to sleep early.

You know, get in bed

and just go to sleep,

Pass up supper and sh*t.

No good.

My grandmother would

wake my ass up, you know,

Get your ass out...

Put your hand... put your...

don't you run from me,

don't you run-From-Me.

As long as-You black,

don't-You-Run-From-Me.

And there was always

one thing to remember

When you was getting your ass

whooped, right,

That was not to say sh*t.

Right.

I mean, you could yell

and scream all you want,

But don't say no sh*t like,

I won't do it no more.

Cause that just add

extra licks, right.

Say, oh, I know-You arent-

Going to do it-No more,

Cause-You shouldn't have-Done it

- The first time

When I told you-Not to do it.

And you would wake up

in the morning

And look like a welt.

You'd be good for eight months,

though, jack.

And then she'd fix you up,

come here, baby.

Now, see, you shouldn't do that

I told you not to.

Just sit still now.

And the next time you do it,

I'm going to tear

your ass up again.

But I would much rather like

my grandmother to discipline me

Than my father, right,

Cause my father just go out.

I mean, he might say

any kind of sh*t, you know,

Like go stand

in the middle of the street

While I start the car.

You heard me,

Get your ass

in the middle of the street.

My father was scary, boy.

I'd piss on myself

sometimes he call my name...

Richard!

Huh!

And I had a fight with my father

one time, you know.

It was exactly a fight,

but I did the best I could.

I just got tired of them

ass whoopings, right.

I said, this is it.

I'm not taking

no more ass whooping,

This is it.

And he looked at me and he said,

What, you a man now,

mother f***er.

Yeah.

And he hit me in the chest,

Hard.

He hit me so hard

my chest just caved in

And wrapped around his fist.

And I held on to it

with my chest.

I would not let it go

so he could hit my ass again.

And everywhere he moved his arm,

I was hanging on like this.

And my father

was an honest person.

I mean, he'd say anything

that was on his mind.

Like he... he was

a brutally honest man.

Cause I remember

when my stepmother died,

We were going to the funeral,

And everybody was crying

and sh*t.

And I said, pop,

it's going to be all right, pop,

It's going to be all right.

You know, and it was

about 14 below zero.

And he was in the back seat,

And I said, it's okay,

it's okay.

He said, yeah,

if it gets any colder,

We're going to have

to bury the b*tch by ourselves.

Now, that's my father,

You know I wouldn't

lie on him, right.

Cause he got to the graveyard

And he was telling

the preacher the dirt,

Get to the part with the dirt,

sh*t, it's cold.

Yeah, baby, I love you,

But sh*t, it's cold out here,

goddamn.

Right, and then you go home

and eat everything,

Like all the neighbors and sh*t

would bring food over.

And everybody would

eat something, you know.

Like miss Irene is a lady

that helped raise me,

She brought over some dressing

with almonds in it and stuff,

It was great.

We had fun till somebody found

some legs on one of the almonds.

Right, the fella was eating it,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes