Richard Pryor ...Here and Now Page #3

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- How's my mama?

I beg your pardon.

I'll slap you in the mouth

with my dick.

One at a time, please.

I gonna finish with this motherf***er

ask me about my mama.

How's your mama?

You ever go home drunk and

you try to get to your bed...

and the house moves?

You know, it just moves. I don't know

where it's going, but it'll be--

And you can't get to it. You say,

''Just let me get this foot moving...

and I'll make it

to this f***in' bed.''

And your mind start

f***in' with ya.

''Don't be sick.''

Uh, I'm not gonna be sick.

Goddamn it,

I'm not going to be sick.

''Yes, you are.''

No, I won't. I won't be sick.

I don't wanna be.

Let me lay down on the floor.

This sh*t--

Just lay on the floor.

Please,just--

I'll lay down here. I'll be all right.

Just let me take the rug

and cover myself.

Just--

And you start prayin'

and sh*t, right?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Don't let me be sick,

God, please. Oh, God.

And you can't find a position

that's comfortable.

I don't give a f*** where you lay

when you drunk, it ain't comfortable.

Uh, here it is. Right.

No, that ain't it. I'll just--

There. That's it.

Now that's real comfortable.

Oh, God, no, please.

Oh, God,

I'll never drink again.

Believe me.

Just let me make it

to the toilet.

And you crawl

to the toilet bowl.

Let me crawl

to the toilet bowl.

My place of rest.

And we can make some funny-ass sounds

when you get sick.

You throw up,

I mean, it's unique.

You never hear that sh*t

any other time.

You know, the--

I never make

that sound ordinarily.

And you ever just--

You ever heave from your nuts...

like you just get--

get one of them going?

And it look like you

become a decorator.

You know, like one spot

ain't good enough.

No, let's-- Over here.

Get a little on your shoes.

That's nice.

You wake up in your garage.

Under your car.

Dogs be looking at you

and sh*t.

That's when--

That's when you know you f***ed up,

when your dog won't come to you.

And I don't know--

Where does that breath come from?

Where does the breath come? It's

like somebody just sh*t in your mouth.

And walked in it

and sh*t like that.

You ever wake up

and it hit the pillow?

You'd be sleeping,

it hit your pillow, you be--

And you'd be sick,

your head be hurtin' and just--

You don't wanna move.

Help.

Shut up.

I got a motherfuckin'

hangover.

''Were you drunk last night?''

Just kill me b*tch,

but don't torture me.

''You need to eat some eggs.''

Oh, God, no, please.

I don't know why my wives

put up with my ass so long with me.

'Cause I would get--

act ignorant.

I wasn't even close

to being normal. I was ignorant.

I couldn't stop drinking

till the bartender said...

''We got no more f***in' liquor!

Take your ass home, pal!''

I've been married about

four-- five-- four times.

Married to white and black.

I'm tellin' ya-- this is a b*tch--

there is no difference...

except subtle sh*t you can pull on white

women you can't pull on black women.

You know, like in an argument

or somethin', you can pull that sh*t.

''Hey, baby,

it's a black thing!

I'm a black man. You do

not understand or get...

the motivation of the black man,

you understand?''

''Oh, yes, dear.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know.

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.''

Black women,

you cannot do that but once.

And they get that

motherfuckin' head goin'.

You know what I mean?

''Oh, no, motherf***er!

Don't you--

That's gonna be your ass...

'cause you shouldn't have had

the b*tch in there the first time!

Yeah, you bad.

Now be bad now!''

And then you end up, ''Hey, darling,

no, dear, I was just kidding.

Go over here.

I won't do anything.''

I don't mind the divorce

and sh*t.

It's just they want the money

when you get divorced.

And I'll be going, ''Wait, b*tch.

You ain't told nary a joke.''

They say, ''Well, maybe

you'll think this is funny.''

Hand you some papers

from the lawyer and sh*t right here.

''Holy sh*t, that is funny.''

And you feel bad when your lawyer

turn on your ass, right?

He be saying,

''I think you should settle.

No,just take my advice.

Settle.

She's gonna say a lot of things

that you don't want known.''

''Wait. She gonna tell

about me and that goat?''

When I was married, man,

I tried to be whatever it is.

I tried to do it,

whatever the f*** it is.

I can't do it. You just have to be a

special kind of man to handle that sh*t.

I can't handle it.

I mean, I go home, man...

sometime my wife would start sh*t

that I didn't understand.

You know, like, ''I don't want

those people in this house again.''

What? What?

''I don't want them here.''

You're married, you know. You say, ''F***

it, I'm in love. Maybe I'll try it.

Maybe I've been wrong

three other times. Sh*t.

I'm gonna try

to make this sh*t work.

Hey, you don't want 'em

in the house, baby?

Their ass ain't gonna

be in the house, okay?

What? No, I'll handle it.

Don't worry.

Hey, you motherfuckers,

get out!

No, partner.

Hey,Jack, you gotta go.

Don't come back no more,

motherfuckers.

'Cause you got somethin'.

My wife's seen it.

I don't wanna get it.''

''You gonna be all right, Rich?''

''This is it,Jack. I'm in love now.

Just don't come around

no more.

Meet you around the corner.''

Then they start talking

about come home earlier.

Wait. Come home?

What the f*** you talking about?

''You're out too late and you do drugs

all night and you're just out.''

''But I be having fun.

What time is a good time?''

''1 0:
00.''

Hey, man, I'm wrong.

Could be. 1 0:
00. Sh*t.

You'd be in a restaurant,

eating.

Drinking fast.

''What's the matter, Rich?''

''I gotta be home by 1 0:00!''

Come home, be a house

full of women I don't know.

Be sitting around,

talking sh*t.

Eating my food.

Ask me to serve them

something to drink.

I'd say,

''B*tch, who are you?''

''I'm an old friend

of your wife's.''

''Yeah? Are you a nurse?

'Cause that's what she gonna need

if you keep f***ing with me.''

Sometime, though-- sometime you can be

in love with somebody, and it's great...

then you f*** around

and marry 'em.

And I don't know, somethin' happen

when woman get married, man...

that you've been with a long time,

there's somethin' about their attitude--

''Good morning, dear.''

''Good morning.

How are you today?

Have you been

to the bank yet?''

I've had some fun. I meet some

strange women, being in show business.

I'm glad of that, but strange.

You know, I met one lady, came to my

hotel room. She was a weight lifter.

She was beautiful, man. And she went

to the-- come to the hotel room.

Beautiful body.

She talk all that cosmic sh*t.

And you know,

when you want some pissy--

''Pissy''?

When you want some pissy--

That's the new thing.

I hope to get some soon,

some pissy.

But you do. If you want some p*ssy,

you'll talk all that sh*t with 'em.

''Hey, yeah, sure,

the cosmos, yeah.

Study it often, you know.''

And we got ready to make love, man.

She was naked and stuff.

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