Richard Pryor ...Here and Now Page #5

---

''What are they saying?

What are they talking about?

What's going on? Rich, you got

any idea? What are they doing?

There's a hundred of them.

What are they planning, anything?''

I like to go--

Pretend like I know

what's happening, right?

''Shh! Keep it down.

Keep it down.

I think you better

get back in your room, sir.

This could be it.''

I don't know. It's just--

It's so different though.

Things are different,

like here, man.

I don't understand sometime

what goes on with people here.

'Cause like here we are

here in this theater...

we're getting along real good

until we go outside...

then the sh*t change.

So we just must be

some crazy motherfuckers or something.

'Cause we can get along real great

for a moment and then we can't...

so that's insanity,

you know?

'Cause we must be good all the time

if we can get good for a little while.

But don't take my word for it.

Ask the president.

I met the president.

We in trouble.

I went to the White House. They had

this big receiving line and sh*t.

You know, you go by. I went for

this movie, Superman, you know.

I was standing in line

and sh*t, and I say...

''I know the motherf***er didn't invite

me. I'm just here for this movie.''

I walk by in the line,

gonna meet him.

Said, ''Don't be prejudice. Open your

mind. See what kind of dude he is.''

I walk up, the motherf***er

looked at me like I owed him money.

You know, I said,

''Hi, Mr. President.''

''Hi.''

''Well, I guess that's it, huh?

Well, I'll just walk on

out here, sir, and, uh...

I guess this is where

everybody else will be, huh?

Well, nice meeting ya.

I'll just be right-- I'll be out here.

If you're interested,

I'll be right outside here.''

Then you get mad. I said, ''I didn't

ask to come to this motherf***er!

I know you ain't

getting no p*ssy.''

Right? 'Cause he

looked like a dick.

You ever notice? He does.

Like, not even a hard-on.

But just a dick

with clothes on, you know?

That's why he want them MX's

and sh*t, so he can get off.

''Shoot one of them

big babies off.''

No, 'cause they be talking

about dropping bombs and sh*t, man.

I'm talking about nuclear bombs. I'm

talking about f***ing up our Sundays.

I mean, motherf***er say--

If they had a nuclear war,

they wouldn't have to drop no bombs.

All they have to do is tell us they're

going to, then announce to us...

''Find the fallout shelters.''

'Cause there ain't a motherf***er

here know where one at.

''Let's get to the shelter.''

Right!

Oh, sh*t, uh-- Wait a minute.

I knew where it was in high school.

Wait a minute.

'Cause they say we have

a half a hour warning.

That ain't enough time.

I want at least nine, ten months.

Can you imagine what

the highways would be like?

You'd be-- Motherf***er say,

''We got a half-hour,Jack.''

Beep, beep!

You ain't gonna get nowhere.

I know what I'm gonna do. There's a lady

I've wanted to f*** for eight years.

I'm gonna run over

to her house.

You know, say, ''Hey, look, baby,

we got about 1 5 minutes.''

Hope I get a nut

just as the bomb go off.

''Thank you.''

'Cause they got people building fallout

shelters in their homes and sh*t.

And that's all right

if you home when they drop the bomb.

But if you out, and the motherf***er

say, ''The bomb is dropping''...

we f***ed.

Motherf***er say, ''What?

Not now, motherf***er!''

'Cause all of us can't

get in the ladies' room.

'Cause they drop the bomb, that's

some fine sh*t. I'm gonna get out.

I don't know about you all.

I'm getting out if there's some fire.

I know all the exits and sh*t.

I ain't even worried.

Even if people

climbed the doorway...

I'll eat through

somebody's ass to get out.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be outside laughing

with the firemen and sh*t.

What's happening in there?

''Hey, damn, boy.

It's a terrible thing.

Twenty people in there

with their asses eaten out.

You know anything

about it, fella?''

What wereJapanese people

thinking in 1 941 , huh?

What was they-- What was on their mind

to be bombing Pearl Harbor?

They sat around and said,

''We bomb Pearl Harbor.

They never

f*** with us again.''

Right? What they say?

''We going to California, then we bomb--

No need.

Pearl Harbor is enough.''

'Cause they'd been

to the University of California...

and saw white people

laid back.

They hadn't been to the University

of Alabama or Mississippi.

Right? I mean--

I'm not lyin', man.

They got white folks down there...

they keep on a leash

in the basement.

''Hold it! Not yet!

Just a minute!

Maybe Central America will let you go,

but not yet. Hold it. Sit. Sit.''

Sh*t, man.

You know, when I first--

When I first came up here...

I use to live

down this way. Sh*t.

Don't tell me sh*t.

Came up here-- That's right.

I went to Illinois.

- Mudbone!

- That's right. That's my name.

That's my game.

I went on--

Sh*t, where's the mike?

Here.

Well, they move that sh*t everywhere.

You can't reach it. Sh*t.

Had to go behind my back.

Sh*t, I'm a little old.

I ain't spry as I used to be. I can

still kick a little ass now and then.

I left here--

me and my partner Ray...

Sweet Chocolate Brown.

Do you know

Sweet Chocolate?

Boy, that was a pretty man.

One of them brown-skin boys.

Had that smooth skin.

He sweated,

looked like a Hershey bar.

That's right. Girls come up,

lick him on the hand.

And he smile. He had one of them teeth,

gold teeth with a diamond in it.

He'd smile and then he'd put that smile

on you, that was your ass, see.

Lord, he had so many womens.

He tried to give me some...

but I didn't f***

with them womens, you know.

I don't mess with 'em.

I had about four womens in my life.

That's right,

'cause they drain ya.

They do.

They f*** all the time.

That's right. If you f***

one of them good, you in trouble.

'Cause she gonna tell her friend.

She gonna want some.

That's right. And you f*** her,

she gonna tell somebody.

And the next thing you know,

you got to f*** eight or nine times.

Then they leave you sapped.

You'll just be laying there

all dried up.

They don't give a sh*t

about that.

Give you a pot of soup,

go on about their business.

So, me, Chocolate, Bob T.,

we all left from down there.

Went to California.

We had a good time out there too.

We was out there for a long time.

Do you know what?

When I first got out to California--

Where you boys going?

No, no, no, thank you.

I'm fine.

I'm-- I'm all right. I don't know

what you gonna put in it.

Be out there, liable to put

your dick in it or somethin'.

No, that's all right.

Go ahead. Have fun.

I remember when womens used

to go to the bathroom together.

When we first--

When I got out--

That's something,

you know that?

The world done changed,

ain't it?

Mens is womens,

womens is mens.

I talked to a woman. I went in a little

truck stop restaurant and asked...

''Got some coffee and sh*t?''

And she talked to me.

Sh*t, she sound like an opera star.

Big voice, you know.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes