Richard Pryor ...Here and Now Page #6

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''What you want?'' Sh*t!

You know, hair all

on her legs and arms.

Scared the sh*t out of me,

you know.

I don't want none of these. One of

them doughnuts. Let me get my ass on.

Other day, man, a little boy

come down through here...

had one of them little hats on

all cocked, all sideways.

He had a shoe untied,

them tennis shoes on, you know.

I said, ''Boy, tie your shoe.'' The little

boy told me to go f*** myself.

Just about this tall.

''Go f*** yourself.''

Said, ''I hope you fall

on your ugly-ass face.''

I seen boys now that cuss their mamas

and stuff in public.

That's right. The woman

stand around, look all silly.

You know, I told her, I said,

''B*tch, that's your fault.

That's right. You the one

let him do that sh*t.

Go put his ass out

two or three weeks.

I bet he come home,

he talk right then.

Them miss-meal cramps,

that motherf***er get real polite.

'Yes, ma'am,' and 'No, sir.'

That's what he say when he come back.''

Sh*t. Hard times.

We had hard times

out there in California...

'cause there wasn't but three or four

black families when I went out there.

That's right. There wasn't.

About four--

twenty white people.

That's right, and nine or ten

of them Japanese...

and whatever they was,

mixed-up people.

They was out there.

Nice peoples too.

You know, they're out there,

minding their business.

Twelve-thousand Mexicans.

I'm not lyin'. Mexican people used to

own all of this sh*t west of Chicago.

There wasn't nothin'

but Mexican people.

That's all there was.

That was all theirs.

F***ed around, negotiated

with white folks, lost all that sh*t.

a thousand Mexican ass.

Now, that's what kind

of army they had.

kicked 2,000 people in the ass.

Now, that's somethin'.

Mexicans didn't wanna

fight about nothin'.

No, they was good people.

They just trusted too much.

That's how they

get f***ed up, you see.

When you own the property, they

should've kept their mouth shut...

and said, ''This is mine. I don't wanna

deal nothin'. F*** you. Keep your sh*t.''

Well, I had a Mexican friend,

the nameJesus.

He was a good friend of mine.

We used to hablo espanol.

That's right.

He went to jail with me.

We went-- We did time together

out there in Los Angeles County.

That's right. It was

a hell of a time, boy.

You ever heard of lice?

We was in jail, them little

bugs like that. You know what I mean?

They get on you in your sleep

and they eat you up alive.

They make you just

scratch your damn near--

I'll tell you something.

You ever had them crabs?

You ever heard of'em?

It's a little teeny bug.

They like pubics.

They get in your pubics.

And it's hot like this,

they drive you crazy.

They'll make you

scratch in public.

I'm not lyin'.

You be walking

down the street like this...

and that heat and them crabs

start moving back and forth like that.

They'll make you

get down in there.

I damn near pulled my nuts off

one time, man!

They were down in there so--

But you have to put that

blue ointment and sh*t on 'em.

I don't know what it does to 'em,

but they don't move for a while.

You put that on there

and then they cool down.

Make 'em drunk or somethin'.

I don't know.

I remember one time

we was out of ointment...

and Jesus gave me

some of his cologne.

I don't know, mister,

if you ever done this or not...

but don't ever put

no cologne on your nuts.

'Cause I didn't know. I took

two big handfuls of this cologne...

and I hit it on my nuts

all under here like this.

Well, it was cool at first.

It felt real soothing. Pretty soon

it come next the burning and sh*t.

And I was fannin' them.

Crabs was movin' every which way.

I said, ''Oh, Lordy,

Lordy, please!''

I said, ''Chocolate, help me.

My nuts are on fire!''

I said, ''Blow on it, Chocolate!

Blow on it!

They're gonna burn up!''

Chocolate said, ''They be

burned to hell if I got to blow 'em.''

Then Jesus come around.

He was smoking a cigarette.

And he got real close, and I guess

them fumes-- Somethin' happened...

'cause a big fire

went-- foom-- like that.

And jumped up,

and I was back like this.

I'm trying

to put that sh*t out.

Them crabs went crazy then.

They just jumped every which way.

I ran and sat on the toilet.

And damn Jesus,

he flushed the toilet!

My balls was hanging

down there in the toilet.

And that water was

pullin' them too, real hard.

I said, ''Goddamn,Jesus,

help me out of here.''

Just as I got my nuts off,

a goddamn earthquake.

I'm standing there, ''Help!

Burned-up nuts is hurtin'!''

Oh! The damnedest time

I ever had, man.

Yeah, I ain't going back there

no more. I left there.

I had fun, but I left there.

Had a nice lady friend.

She was good to me.

We never did no sex or nothin'

'cause she had a ''rectomy.''

You know. That's where

they scrape the p*ssy out...

and just leave the box

that it came in.

Me and her got along

real good, you know.

- That's Mudbone.

- I love you, Richard!

Y-You love me?

Sh*t, I love you too.

It's easy to love somebody.

That's all you got to do.

Sit with 'em a little while.

Talk to 'em.

Most people you talk to,

they's intelligent.

Most people, as I said.

Thank you, Mudbone.

Drink some of this water,

I hope.

They say your water is bad.

Good.

Just checking.

I thought they was joking.

I ain't gonna take no chances...

'cause I don't wanna have the shits

in the middle of the night,Jack.

Ain't nothin' worse when you

got to sh*t and can't sleep too.

That's miserable than a mother--

You lay down, get a good-- ''Hold it!''

'Cause you can't f*** or nothin' when

you gotta go to the bathroom, right?

''Say, baby-- Oh, hold it!Just a minute.

Hold the p*ssy right there.

Just a minute.

I'll be right back. Hold it.''

I haven't done any drugs now.

It's been seven months.

I haven't done any drugs now.

It's been seven months.

All right!

And that's a lot for me,

you know, 'cause I done--

I think I done drugs

since I was like 1 4.

You know what I mean?

Off and on.

But when I was about 1 9,

I started doing it real heavy, right?

And this is the first time,

I think, in my life I feel like this...

being sober and then

being off drugs too.

It's a real strange feeling.

And I get scared when

I'm out here sometime.

I get real nervous about it,

I wanna f***in' run, you know?

I look out there--

''Sh*t! It's scary!''

And I say, ''F*** it. Go through it.

Just feel the experience.

Go through it

and just f*** it.''

'Cause if I had some drugs and sh*t now,

I wouldn't give a f***.

But I wouldn't-- I'd come off stage,

I'd still wouldn't give a f***.

Then by the time you're 50,

a lot of no givin' a f***...

you miss part of your life.

''So what happened to your life?''

''I didn't give a f***.''

But I had some fun.

But I had some fun.

It just was strange,

like the people you meet...

that remember sh*t you did

when you used to get f***ed up...

and you don't

wanna remember.

But they know

the sh*t real well.

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