Richard Pryor ...Here and Now Page #7

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''Richard!

Don't you remember me?

We was f***ed up together,Jack.

We was walking down

the street, right...

and you stuck your arm

up that elephant's ass.

Don't you remember that?

Elephant tightened his ass

up around your arm...

went walking

down the street with you.

You was swinging

back and forth like that.

You looked like a turd

with a hat on.

Don't you remember that?''

And you meet women

that you've been with...

and you meet 'em,

you see 'em, you go, ''What?

I was not with this

motherf***er.''

''You remember me?

You said I was so beautiful.

We made love for 1 4 hours.''

And you'd be saying

to yourself, ''Oh, sh*t.''

''I'm going to have a baby.''

''Not if I can help it,

motherf***er.''

I'd be right to

the abortionist. ''Please.

''Doc, there's me and there's this lady,

and both of us is ugly.

Please don't let us

have a child.

Please don't.''

What is that, sir?

Oh, don't snatch it.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

I know he's white. Give him a break.

Oh, what is that?

What is that called, sir?

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, it's a crab.

Uh, what is it called?

A crab?

And it's a drink?

Oh, well, thanks a lot.

Next time that motherf***er

come up here...

beat the sh*t

out of his ass.

Well, this crab, man,

he ain't gonna do nothin' but die.

- You know, well, sh*t.

- Attaboy, Rich!

Let's listen to the crab.

''Why are you

f***ing with me?''

What?

''I wanna know why

you're f***ing with me.

I was in the ocean just crawlin' along

and some a**hole grabbed me.

I'm trying to find my way

back to the ocean.''

No, no, sir.

See, you're here on stage.

''Oh, sh*t, on stage?

Let me get back in the shell.''

Come on out.

''Yeah, okay.''

''You know I got kinda drunk

in that glass.

Just a minute.

Where in the f*** am I?

Oh, boy. I thought

this was another woman.

It's just a brown chair.

Holy sh*t!

Hey, the world is round.

Whoopsy-daisy. Holy sh*t!

Good thing you caught me, pal.

You ever had

crab piss on you?''

I'm gonna put you back in the jar.

''That's a good idea, a**hole.

And put some water

on me too, schmuck.''

I'm gonna get him some--

Can we put this in something?

Well, here's some water.

Do they live in water?

Not in-- Y'all wouldn't even

put a crab in your own water.

''Please. Don't put no crab

in the water.''

Where's someplace where there's

some water? I mean, that's not--

I'm gonna take this motherf***er

to the bay or somethin'.

Put him back in.

No, give him a chance.

He gonna live.

We gonna save this one.

Can we put him

in somethin', man?

Please?

We gonna save him.

'Cause this motherf***er

did a show.

He's gonna get off.

Send him back. Here.

No, I'm gonna keep

this rubber duck.

This I wanna talk about here.

This is--

This is intelligence.

What? What, motherf***er?

Well, I should've let

the black man do his job.

Oh, now, what--

A racing crab?

A racing crab.

Oh, the thing is up.

I like the way you talk though.

I don't give a f***. You all talk cool.

I don't give a f***.

''It's a racing crab here.''

This will go on-- I will

scare a b*tch to death with this one.

Come out and say, you go...

''Darling, are you ready?''

''Yes, Rich.''

Ha ha ha!

Well, I don't want no more sh*t now.

Thank you very much, sir.

He gave me the rubber thing

and, I don't know, this--

It's a balloon.

It's a swan balloon.

No, that's really nice, yeah.

That's real clever.

Real intelligent.

Really, really.

Come on. Come on out.

Come here.

Let the people see you,

motherf***er. Come on, man.

Thank you.

Hey, Rich, how's your

daughter's girlfriend?

How's my-- How's my what?

Wait.Just take your time.

Don't get carried away now.

This is not participation.

A lot of sh*t happened in your life

you don't--just don't remember.

I guess I should have learned

from people that I knew...

that would get f***ed up

when I was little.

I didn't think that they were on dope

or nothin'. I thought they were cool.

'Cause I had friends like--

I had a friend, Motif.

The motherf***er,

he just sounded so cool.

Anything--

He took his time to answer.

You talk to him, you go,

''Hi, Motif.'' He go...

''What's happening?''

I was young.

I thought that was cool.

Me and my friends would

go around and talk to him.

''Say something to Motif.

Go ahead. Say something. Come on.''

Hey, Motif!.

Watch, man.

Motif was cool,Jack.

I didn't know he had

shot his brains out.

But he liked to talk to me

sometime, you know.

It was real nice, you know.

I'd see him around.

Hey, Rich! Hey, man,

come here. Come here.

Dig this.

Look, uh, you do me a favor.

Now don't be bullshittin' now

and do somethin' for me.

I want you to take these

watches in the bag back here.

You take these--

Just some watches, motherf***er.

Take these watches

down the street for me.

No, I can't carry 'em 'cause

the police are looking for me.

No, I ain't stole 'em, no.

I ain't no stealer, goddamn it.

I wouldn't be

givin' them to you. Sh*t.

They're watches, man.

Five for a dollar.

No, they good.

What kind of sh*t you think?

Yeah, they're good.

Check this one. Check this one.

This is one of the bad ones, but--

I got us some good ones

and sh*t, man. It's there.

So you carry 'em for me?

What you mean?

No, they not looking for me.

You know who they looking for, man?

They're looking

for my brother Bobby.

No, 'cause the b*tch up the street

talkin' about I broke in her house.

She said I broke in there

and stole some of her sh*t.

I didn't do it

'cause I told her, you know.

I said, ''Look, I want your sh*t,

I just come in here and take it.''

You know,

I ain't got to break in.

I'm bold.

You know, I walk in the door.

You know, yeah, but then

Bobby do that sh*t, right?

Do you see Bobby?

Bobby was with them two white dudes...

and they popped

that liquor store.

Yeah, Bobby. And you know Bobby like

to be hanging with them motherfuckers.

He's crazy. I seen him.

I was with him, man.

We wandered in the liquor store.

Bobby bad.

He put his pistol on the counter,

stepped back.

The motherf***er bad.

He say, ''I want the money.

See that pistol, motherf***er?

Beat me to that.''

Man, I told the man, ''Don't move,

mister. He got another one.''

Sh*t.

And Bobby, he crazy, man. He threw

the other one on the counter and say...

''Beat me to either one of'em.''

See, that's the way

his mind be poppin', man.

But he be f***ed up, right?

You know, see, he be going--

They gonna send him to jail.

Then they'll send me along

just on G.P.

I told him, I said, ''Bobby,

I ain't going to jail for nobody.''

You dig? Sh*t.

I done told on

too many people up there.

They get me back up there,Jack,

I'd be p*ssy nine years.

Sh*t, yeah,

I told on the motherf***er.

I ain't goin'. Sh*t.

It was easy too.

Mother say, ''Wasn't that hard?''

F*** it. Sh*t. Him or me.

Motherf***er talkin' about

five years?

Sh*t, I'll just tell on

any motherf***er I know.

I ain't gonna be able to get

no sh*t for five years?

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