Rites of Passage (Part 1) Page #5

---

You're not gonna leave

'cause of my stoner friend.

That's not why, man.

Look, hang out.

Come on, Professor.

It'd sure mean

a lot to me if you stay.

You see that face?

Come on, Professor.

All right,

let's do this ceremony.

I'll find you later.

( whirring )

All right, let's do it.

Ready?

Go.

Go talk to her.

I'm gonna.

Take her for a walk.

( phone rings out )

You know, it's sunset.

Girls eat that sh*t up.

( phone ringing )

Damn.

I got voicemail again.

F*** me.

I gotta tear all

this sh*t down.

Get out while you can.

Come on.

Come on, D.

We can talk when you

take it all down.

Play it smart.

Hey, don't you agree?

"Snoopy Come Home"

lacks the clarity and focus

that made "A Boy Named

Charlie Brown" so endearing?

Oh, no. No, no.

Stop looking at us.

Don't-- don't go there.

Tears us down, rip us up.

It does you no good.

- Let it go!

- Shut up.

Shut up!

I don't want

to hear you anymore!

You understand?

I don't wanna hear anything.

Don't wanna feel nothing!

Nothing!

PONCHO:
Don't go there.

It's bad juju!

I'm gonna kill every last one of

those college motherfuckers.

( pop music plays )

( background chatter )

Hey, party Hart-y,

what's your magic number?

What're you going on about?

What's your magic

number, huh?

DANI:
Oh, you wanna

play that game?

HART:
You want to?

I want tequila.

Sure you wanna get

into that so soon?

If you're not wasted,

the day is.

Well there's a look into

the future waiting to happen.

Well, my magic number is zero.

I'm still a virgin

and I'm proud of it.

I could fix that.

You and your technical

virgin thing is such sh*t.

Fingers and tongues count.

They so do not count, okay?

ROXANNE:
Do you count anal?

How about anything

under six inches?

You got a ticket last weekend

for giving road head.

So you can't even

start judging me.

- It was awesome.

- Hey, enough.

She's a virgin.

Respect your friend.

Thank you.

( mumbling )

( grunts )

Look what I got.

Should we fill up and

start the ceremony, or what?

Nathan, that Jimsonweed?

Yeah. We're gonna do

this right, aren't we?

HART:
Yup, game time.

I even have a real

ceremonial Chumash bowl

we dug up right here.

Not on my watch, man.

I can't let my students

drink Jimsonweed.

I'm sorry, man.

Nathan, I've known kids who

O.D.'d and died on that sh*t.

It's toxic.

Look, there's no way to figure

out what's a fatal dose

or what's survival.

- I know what I'm doing.

- Too risky, man.

What if we just

take a little bit?

Why don't we just go with

what we know, all right?

I got a few of these

bad boys here.

We go up to that brush hut,

we clambake--

We gotta have the tea!

This is the whole problem

with our society.

We've done away with all ritual,

with all ceremony.

We just do whatever

we want now.

On our own, whenever.

Do you even know

what that stuff can do?

The Chumash stopped using

Jimsonweed because it kills.

F***ing technology!

Motherfuckers.

There you are, Steve Jobs!

You're not talking to

anybody, kids. Nobody!

You know what, hey.

The ceremony,

it's still important.

There must be some

herbal tea up there.

Let's make the best

of what we got.

We're here.

I'm sorry, man.

F*** it.

F*** it.

( grunting )

Oh, god. The girl.

The girl, the girl, the girl!

Where's the girl?

( loud scream )

Whoa, f***ing skunk, man!

That stinks!

Oh, my God, you stink.

It's not funny,

you stoner a-hole!

Come on, come on.

We'll get you cleaned up.

The skunk was at my feet!

The thing totally got me!

- I effing hate this place!

- We'll clean you up.

I feel so disgusting.

I'm gonna smell like this

forever, I swear.

It comes off.

I smell terrible!

I smell absolutely dreadful.

This is the worst smell ev--

Oh, my God, it's disgusting!

Need any help?

( muffled arguing )

Use some of that

antibacterial soap

under the sink if you need it.

Smell like this forever!

I should've stayed home!

I knew it!

I shouldn't have come here!

I don't even know why!

I smell so--

( sobbing )

My mom won't let me in the

house smelling like this!

Why'd god make skunks?

I don't like skunks,

I'm sorry.

But, Jesus,

why did you make skunks?

They smell so bad!

Carly? The tea's ready.

NATHAN:
You almost done?

Carly, you all right?

( inaudible dialogue )

-- in there too,

it helps to get it off.

You almost done?

Okay, well, I'll just meet

you back out there, okay?

I'm gonna go!

This is sage.

They use the smoke

to purify each other.

Pure is boring.

All set.

How's Carly doing?

I think she's

a little pissed off.

My gosh, my hair still reeks.

My god! My god!

( screaming )

( screams )

Oh, my god! Go away!

( screaming )

( loud thump )

I think I did that

with my mind.

The spirit of

Grandmother Momoy awaits.

Professor, you're the elder.

The elder.

( laughs )

Ah, Jesus, Nathan.

What kind of tea is this?

Just tea. Just tea, guys.

I swear.

( coughs )

It's bitter.

ROXANNE:
What is that?

We were out of herbal tea,

so it's Lipton's.

Need a refill on that.

- ( clattering )

- Oh, god damn it, Mojo!

So sorry, mate.

I didn't see.

Great, no I have to go

brew a whole other pot!

No, don't go make another pot.

It's all right, just get the old

tequila worm up your bum,

everyone's as high as a kite.

Mescal has the worm,

not tequila you dumb ass.

It's very funny, all right?

Nathan, it's all right.

Don't worry about it.

You can use the tequila.

Good substitute.

Shaman don't drink tequila.

They do tonight.

Easy there, killer.

Come on.

I beamed it out there and boom!

She just hit the glass.

Only thing you're

doing is f***ing up!

Sh*t, Mr.--

( laughs )

( echoing )

Professor, you--

Jesus. Look at him.

Look at the state of him.

He's f***ing mashed.

You're high as a kite,

Professor!

Here, Roxi, you have it.

She's f***ing mashed too!

Look at her!

What the f*** are

you two smoking?

MOJO:
Way-ba-we-bah-wee-wah!

( muffled screaming, grunting )

Oh! Come on!

( grunting )

You're my buddy, Nathan.

You are.

Guess all this worked

out pretty well, huh?

Yeah.

Too bad Moose and

Squirrel took off.

Yeah, their loss.

Think I should go for it?

- Hey.

- Hey.

( screaming, grunting )

Come on!

Come on!

( screaming )

Die already, b*tch!

( door opens )

Die already, b*tch!

Hey! What're you doing?

What're you doing?

( groans )

At least you tried

to stop me, huh, Benny?

You and your

f***ing death wish!

No, no, no, no.

Take a look!

Take a look!

Look at her f***ing face!

Ah, she's done!

Yeah, come on, die.

Die! Die!

All right, she's done!

Stop! No!

( gasps )

Oh, you didn't

have to do that!

Okay, now for

the rest of them!

( gasps )

MOJO:

Nice night for a walk.

( echoing )

- You wanna go for a walk?

- Yeah, let's go.

Let's go.

- ( Tami makes eerie noises )

- It's lighter that way.

Yeah, it's dark.

Where you going, pal?

Okay.

( tribal chanting )

Ah! Whiny little b*tch!

He's my brother!

And not the Chumash girl!

Did you say Chumash girl?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes