Rites of Passage (Part 1) Page #4

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Tonight's gonna

be legendary.

Go long!

( yells )

Hey, studly, get in the water,

you motherf***er!

( laughs )

Get in here.

Rough night?

Little bit.

Your ancestors played grab ass

in this very same surf.

( all yelling and screaming )

MOJO:
(VO) You're amazing.

Turn around.

I wanna see your doggie.

I think about getting more

work done on my dolphin.

What do you think?

( overlapping dialogue )

Whoo!

Hey, you okay?

I thought you were gonna have

more work done on your dolphin.

Am I anything like

you imagined me?

Sandee?

Mojo.

No sh*t.

Wait, this is your f***ing

webcam porno princess?

What's he talking about, Tami?

I'm an idiot.

What is it you exactly do

on the Internet?

Chill out. It's no big deal.

We're paying our

way through school.

Sure beats working

at the Starbucks.

Wait, you guys are doing

porn out of our room?

Not on my bed, right?

I keep my bible

underneath that pillow.

So wait a minute, you're

streaming live Internet porn

to the Delta Gamma house?

Sandee, I shouldn't

have said anything. I--

Sandee? That your porn name?

It's not actual sex.

We do it into our laptops.

It's not a big deal.

And you're the little pervert

that's jerking to these girls?

- Hey.

- There's no need--

Leave Mojo alone.

Nobody came to Mojo catch it

for stroking to the

sluts-her-name

and the Delta Gamma

whore-pedoes over here.

Eat my p*ssy, you midget twink

with chunky ankles.

What the f*** is a twink?

You stupid, hooker,

Barbie sorority skanks.

You're f***ing dumb!

I'm done.

This is so stupid.

- Be nice, all right?

- F*** that!

So what's next, Sandee?

Do some lap dancing

at the Spearmint Rhino?

Put up some escort ads

on craigslist?

I'm not f***ing spending

the weekend with

these stupid whores.

Guys, just come on. Stop.

What would Jesus do?

Jesus wouldn't have you biting

each other's titties

in the ocean over there.

So you can sleep

with your students,

but yet, you condemn me.

You're of age, okay?

Socrates slept

with his students.

- Oh, Jesus.

- 'Cept they were all boys.

Stop f***ing looking

at my man's penis then.

Yeah, who gives a f*** if I'm

creating a porn empire?

Okay, I'm kicking ass in

business and marketing.

Yeah, whore!

And the last time

that I checked,

you couldn't even treat me

to a day of Bacara

on your salary.

Qu pasa! Pretty great, huh?

F***ing Christ,

I'm out of here.

Could you please not use

the lord's name in vain?

SQUIRREL:
Come on, b*tch!

She's going to hell.

I gotta deal with this?

- This is cool.

- What's going on?

NATHAN:
Guys, we can--

Squirrel, come back!

Who brought these

stupid skanks?

Walk your fat ass

out of here!

Squirrel?

I'm not mad about my bed!

Hurry up! Moose!

I'm f***ing trying.

NATHAN:
If you come back,

I'll let you use the bed again!

Hey!

Hey! What're you

doing behind there?

Why are you lurking

behind the bushes?

Hey! Wait!

What're you, retarded?

I'm talking to you!

Don't you f***ing

walk away from me!

Hey! Hey!

I know you.

I f***ing know you!

You're the creeper from

the party, aren't you?

Are you spying on us?

Spying on us down there?

This is--

Nathan is my brother.

This is my property!

You're the weirdo who

lives in the bungalow.

I heard about you and your

imaginary fiancs. Mmm-hmm.

- What did you just say?

- You heard me, weirdo!

Were you spying on those

sorority skanks down there?

Pervy Man looking

for a new bride, huh?

I-- I was watching birds.

Like f***ing hell you were.

Just cop to your

pervy ass sh*t.

Were you peeving

on the guys?

- Yo--

- Oh, sh*t.

You're a f***ing

queer-puff, aren't you?

You're a f***ing queer.

You like to f***ing

touch yourself

and look at little boys,

f***ing down low--

- You be quiet!

- Hey, a**hole!

That's my girl

you're talking to.

Babe! Babe! It's the f***ing

creeper from the party, dude!

I caught him with his

hands in his pants!

I did not have my hands in my

pants, I was bird watching!

- Like hell you were--

- Bird watching, you liar!

Shut up.

Shut up.

Don't you do it.

No, no, you know

what will happen?

Oh, no.

We don't need trouble!

Poncho tell you!

You go back to cook!

You know what happen!

You listen to Poncho.

Shut the f*** up.

Listen to Poncho!

Listen!

- Shhh.

- Leave these kids alone!

- Don't be a fool.

- Shut up. Shut up.

- Shut up.

- I love you.

You're my friend.

Hey, dickless, my boyfriend's

gonna f*** you up!

Get him, babe.

Get--

Who the f*** is that?

Is that your gay

uncle over there?

No, no, no, no.

Go away.

No, no, Delgado.

They're not real!

MOOSE:
F***!

They look pretty

real to me, Benny.

Let me guess, huh?

Uncle Delgado pitches

and you catch, huh? Right?

You f***ing used to touch him

when you were little, right?

You f***ing turned him,

didn't you?

This family's f***ed, babe!

You better shut that c*nt up,

or I'm gonna f***

start her head.

What the f*** did

you just say to me?

Hold your f***ing mouth.

What the f*** did

you just say to me?

- Babe, babe--

- Get his ass!

Please, don't--

don't do anything!

( all yelling )

- Settle down! F***!

- You f***ing queer pup!

She's got a big mouth,

but she's not f***ing kidding.

He's gonna f*** you in the ass

and he's not even gay--

( all yelling )

The f*** you do to my face!

Motherf***er!

No, no, stop, stop!

F***ing freak!

( groaning, yelling )

F***ing a**hole!

( yells, groans )

F***ing creep!

- Moose?

- Yeah, baby?

Baby! Baby, you look awful!

You okay?

SQUIRREL:
F***! Wake up!

The f*** are you on, dude?

Moose, my god, wake up!

Great. What're you gonna do?

Shoot us?

Great idea, fucktard!

There's eight more of

us coming up the path!

That really just happened?

What're we going to do now?

Everybody's just pissed off.

Dani, you all right?

( engine starts, tires screech )

I can't believe her mouth.

Damn, Moose and

Squirrel booking out.

Moose! Hey!

Everything happens

for a reason, okay?

Can we just go back

to having fun?

Yeah, that depends on Nathan's

Internet connection.

All right, Doug.

Enough, okay?

If you keep this up,

I'm leaving.

Then leave.

I actually had feelings

for you, Tami.

You never told me about

any of this sh*t.

Okay.

Whoa.

They're dead.

I'm gonna go clean up my cook

and we get the f*** out of here.

No.

Suit yourself.

I've got a wedding

to prepare.

( soft music plays )

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

HART:
What a slut.

( soft background chatter )

I do remember the first time

I noticed that I had leg hair.

( keys rattling )

Take me for a ride.

I'm just leaving.

Where are we going?

What would Tami or Sandee

say about that?

She's just my roommate.

She's not really my friend.

Oh, really?

Not friends?

You ever been with

a redhead before?

- No, I haven't.

- Professor!

You're not leaving, are you?

I actually was leaving, yeah.

Come on, it's not even dark yet

and everybody's leaving.

Oh, wow.

This is priceless.

You are Professor f***ing Nash.

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