Road Trip Page #5

I promise. It's gonna be OK.

If I had to guess, I'd say somebody

was raped and murdered here.

What the hell gives you that idea?

I don't know. It's just a feeling.

- Well??

- Nothing yet.

Good thing is,

there's no evidence of a struggle.

No blood or clothing or anything.

And we haven't found

a single drop of semen yet.

Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home.

But she doesn't know I'm coming.

It's a surprise.

How nice. How can I help you?

I've never been here before.

I don't know where she lives.

What's her name? I can look it up.

Oh, OK. Tiffany Henderson.

Do I know you?

No, you don't.

Actually, I know your boyfriend.

OK. Who are you?

I'm Beth.

Could we just sit down for a minute?

OK.

Um, this is really hard for me,

but it's definitely

something you should hear.

Your boyfriend is cheating on you...

with me.

We were together Thursday night.

Twice.

And once again Friday morning.

I thought you should know.

(Yelling)

Sorry.

Tiffany! What the hell are you doing?

(Crowd gasps)

- Who's that guy?

- That's her boyfriend.

THAT's her boyfriend?

Yeah. He's been cheating on her.

(Boyfriend) Baby, I love you!

(Thuds and groans)

I- I'm sorry,

but you have the most beautiful feet.

Ohh... Would you like

a foot massage?

No, I would not like a foot massage.

(Louder voice) I would hate

a foot massage!

OK. I'm sorry. Relax.

Are there any guys out there

who are just normal??! Huh?!

- (Plucks string)

- Unleash the fury, Mitch.

- (Plucks string)

- Unleash the fury.

(Plucks string)

- Come on, Mitch.

- (Plucks string)

Eat him.

Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy.

He's right there. Kill him.

Maim him. Bite him.

(Plucks string)

UNLEASH THE FURY!

Wow, this is cool.

I've never been in

a fraternity house before.

Is this gonna work?

Of course it's gonna work.

I know the handshake.

Hi.

- Hi. Can I help you?

- Yeah.

I'm Rubin Carver,

a Xi Chi brother from Ithaca.

We're just passing through

and looking for a place to party,

maybe even a place to crash.

(Alternately) Xi. Chi. Xi, Chi.

Xi, Xi, Xi.

Chi.

Hmph.

- (Chattering, dishes clattering)

- Wow!

(Silence)

Ahem. Uh, everyone, this is Rubin.

Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity

brother from our Ithaca chapter.

These are his friends.

Listen, uh, we've interrupted

your dinner so we'll just...

Hey, don't be crazy.

There's plenty of food to go around.

You guys are welcome to stay.

(Chattering)

You know, this food's pretty good.

Hey, you do realise

this is a national black fraternity?

They know you're not a member.

I'm sorry. I don't think

about that kind of stuff.

OK, relax. OK?

They're just messing with us.

They're pissed because he lied.

- I say we get out of here.

- Shh, relax.

Someone's got some explaining to do.

- Look what we found in his bag.

- What??! What is that??!

No, I've never seen that before!

What are you doin'?

Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

- Whoa, whoa. That is not ours.

- That's not mine!

OK, hold on, th-there's

obviously some explanation.

Yeah, there is. See, your boy's

an evil bigot and now he's gonna die.

Justice!

(Josh) Kyle. Kyle.

Kyle!

There you are. I thought we lost you.

- Am I in the hospital??

- You passed out.

They were messin' with us, Kyle.

It was a joke.

(All laughing)

Racist??

But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.

It was a joke, outtie. A joke!

- (Laughing continues)

- I get it.

Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag.

Yeah. Oh, that's funny.

Whoa.

I need a wine cooler.

- Hey, have mine.

- Thanks.

# It's tricky to rock around

# To rock around,

that's right on time

# It's tricky

tricky, tricky, tricky

# It's tricky to rock around

to rock around that's right on time

# It's tricky

trick-trick-trick-tricky

# I met this good girlie

her hair was kinda curly

# Went to her house and busted out

I had to leave her early

# These girls are really sleazy,

all they just say is "Please me"

# Spend some time and rock around

# I said it's not that easy

# It's tricky to rock around

# To rock around

that's right on time

# It's tricky, it's tricky

tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky

# It's tricky to rock around... #

(Cheering)

# In New York the people talk

and try to make us cry

# They really hawk but we just walk

because we have no time

# And in the city it's a pity

# Cos we just can't hide

# Tinted windows don't mean nothing,

we know who's inside

# It's tricky to rock around

# To rock around

that's right on time

# It's tricky

tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky... #

Isn't he just

the cutest little thing?

Oh, yeah, Kyle's the man!

# Tricky, tricky,

tricky, tricky, huh! #

You mean never?? Not even once?

Well... I mean, I've had sex before.

Just, um,

never with a person.

Right.

Well, I think that's kinda cool.

- You do?

- Yeah.

I mean, you should hold out.

It should be special.

Wait till you're in love.

I think I love you.

You are so cute.

# Inside each other

# You can see inside me

# Will you come inside me?

# Do you want to ride further up?

# If you can see inside me

# Will you come inside me?

# Do you want to ride... #

I take it you don't have a condom?

Uh... no.

Um, I guess I'm all out.

Well, Lawrence probably has some.

Why don't you try that drawer??

Next to the Old Spice,

behind the belts.

Good guess.

You know what??

Um, I don't exactly know

what I'm doing and, um...

I'm... Oof.

Shhh. Relax, baby.

Let Rhonda handle this.

# Time's a-changing

# More so each year

# But the early mornin'

# Snow the pimp is here

# So let it rain

# And let the guitar rock... #

- Thanks for a great time.

- Take care.

Stay cool.

Hey, Devon.

What's up?

# Well, well, well, well, well

# And I'll be catching them pike

# Like on the 10 pound test, success

# Never 'fess, take a guess

# I'll be the early morning

snow pimp... #

Let's go, Kyle.

We want details. What happened?

Well, we had a few drinks,

danced a little, and, you know...

No, we don't know.

Why don't you tell us?

- (Laughing)

- What the hell is that??

Did you kill a cheetah?

What?? No. These are her underwear.

She gave 'em to me.

- (Sniffs)

- (All groan)

I boinked her!

Boinked?

Yeah, did you just say

the word "boinked? "

- (All laughing)

- Well, Kyle,

I hope you got the boinking

out of your system,

cos we got a lot of driving

to do today.

Do not get your hopes up

about visiting Graceland,

cos we're about the mission at hand.

- Josh.

- What??

That sounds like a good plan,

except for one little thing.

- What little thing?

- We're out of money.

OK, before you fill out these,

I have to ask some questions.

If you qualify, you can

make a sperm deposit. Understood?

Mm-hmm. Fire away.

Tell the truth, because if you don't

the test will and you won't get paid.

So, first off, have any of you

done any drugs in the past 36 hours?

And that includes marijuana.

(Groans)

(Nurse) PK, next.

Have any of you had sex

or masturbated in the past 24 hours?

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote