Road Trip Page #6

Well, I guess I'm out.

Because I had sex last night...

with a girl! (Grunting)

That's nice.

You'll find everything you need

in these binders.

Would you each take a cup.

- PK.

- And yours.

I'd appreciate it if you'd

return those after you're finished.

OK. Uh, thanks.

Cheers.

Excuse me. Do you have anything

with Asian women?

I have this thing for Asian chicks,

and there's none here.

This isn't Peep World.

Our selection is limited.

- You're gonna have to make do.

- OK.

You've been more than helpful.

Is something wrong?

Well, no.

But... I just couldn't help

but notice that...

Is there something between us?

I mean, I was thinking

that maybe you might want to...

I don't know...

help me out with a little...

professional assistance?

Do you need some help?

Yes, I do.

(Woman on PA)

'Dr Morris, dial 1-1-8, please.

'Dr Morris, please dial 1-1-8.'

The moment I saw you out there,

I thought you were incredible.

You're not like most of the girls

I know. You're a woman.

That's fine. Turn around, drop your

pants, hands flat on the table.

(Chuckling) Oh, my God.

- This is great. Wow. Like this?

- Exactly.

(Sighs) I have to admit,

I love you in that uniform.

Do those nylons go all the way up,

or are they, like thigh high?

I'm gonna perform a procedure

called milking the prostate.

It's an anally-induced ejaculation.

Anal??

You're gonna feel strong pressure

from inside your rectum.

Come on, you don't have

to get all scientific, baby.

I mean, we can just talk...

(Grunts)

(Squeals)

(Grunting)

Stop! OK, keep doin' it. Yaaah!

(EL) Right there! Ahhh!

(Moans)

Oh, my God! Ohhh!

(Sighs)

OK. All done.

(Exhales)

That was awesome!

Wait. Wait. Does that work?

I mean,

is it even medically possible?

Oh, yeah, it works.

It works like a charm.

But back to our story.

'It was Sunday morning

back in Ithaca,

'when things suddenly took

an unexpected turn.'

(Barry) I'm a mouse.

I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.

Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.

Eat me. Eat me.

(Sighs) Come on.

You better eat him, Mitch,

before I do.

(Panting) He's tasty.

He's tasty, Mitch. Oh! Oh!

- (Mouse squeaks)

- (Moaning)

Mmm! Mmm!

- Mmm! Mmm!

- Why'd you lie to me?

(Gulps) I didn't lie.

You-you told me

that Josh went to Boston.

- I didn't. I said Austin.

- You said Boston.

Because of you,

some guy's life is ruined.

So what?? Besides, wherever he went,

he went because of you.

- What do you mean, because of me?

- Look, it's obvious.

Josh likes you. It's disgusting.

I knew you'd come back.

- What do you want??

- So, how was your getaway with Josh?

- I wasn't with Josh.

- Sure. Doesn't matter, though.

Cos Josh won't be back next semester.

He's about to flunk philosophy.

- What are you talking about??

- He thinks that he has an extension,

but thanks to

a...certain someone - me -

he doesn't.

(Jacob) He's an idiot.

(Beth) You psycho.

(Groans)

Oh, my God!

# I wanna rock

# Turn it down, you say

# All I gotta say to you

time and time again I say no!

# No, no, no!

# Tell me not to play

# All I gotta say to you

when you tell me not to play

# I say no, no, no, no

# So if you ask me why

I like the way I play

# There's only one thing

I can say to you

# I wanna rock! Rock!

# I wanna rock! Rock!

# I want to rock! Rock... #

(Barry) 'That night I set the guys up

at my grandparents' house.

'I haven't been there in a long time.

'When I was seven years old

I set their dog on fire

'and wasn't invited back.

'But I hear it's still real nice.'

I'm serious. "Please",

"Thank you", "This is delicious"

are the only words

you're allowed to say.

What?? I'm great with old people.

Grandmas love me.

Wait a minute.

Wait, wait. "Manilow"?

- Barry's last name is Manilow?

- Yeah.

- His name is Barry Manilow?

- Yeah.

- (All) Hi!

- Oh, my goodness!

Oh, look at you boys.

Jack, they're here!

# I see you, baby, shakin' that ass

# Shakin' that ass,

shakin' that ass... #

Jack, Barry's friends are here.

Come and say hi.

- (Dog groans)

- The boys are here.

- Oh, hey, fellas.

- Hi.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Wait. Let me get up.

- I'll give you guys the full tour.

- Oh, honey!

Careful. Your boner!

Well, what do you want me to do,

cut it off?

(Groans) I'll tell you what, fellas,

we'll start by showin'

you where you're gonna sleep.

(Chuckles) I'll show you

what we call the guest room.

Follow me, boys. The guest room...

Ohhh.

(TV) # Y'all know

what I'm talkin' about

# Don't be lookin' at me

like that now

# Come on... #

Excuse me.

You remember this kid?

No, sure don't.

(Mutters) F***in' airhead.

Let me ask you once more.

Have you seen my son?

Ow. Now that you mention it,

there were a few guys in.

If you loosen my arm,

I could get their bill.

Use your other arm.

- How many were there?

- A few.

- (Cracking)

- Aaah! Four!

One of 'em was trying to score drugs.

Honey, look. They made two calls to

Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there.

(Door opens)

(Grandpa) Havin' a smoke?

Uh...yeah, yeah.

(Groans) I can't sleep, either.

Goddam Viagra

gets my heart racing like a lab rat.

(Chuckles) Are you OK?

- You look kinda goofy.

- No. No, it's nothing.

- Come on, out with it.

- (Sniffs) OK.

Well... I almost died two days ago.

- What??

- Our car exploded.

I could be dead right now.

And since that happened,

I find myself asking why.

You know? Like...

What is my reason for living?

Are you gonna

pass that doobie, or what??

Doobie? Yeah. Yeah, sorry.

Uh, thanks.

You know what your problem is?

You're all brains.

Not enough cock and balls.

Actually, uh, people have been

telling me that my whole life.

In the sixth grade I got so worried

about the situation in Iraq,

that I was on

an adult dosage of Xanax.

And by eighth grade,

I was in therapy three times a week.

And the truth is, weed is the

only thing that could balance me out.

You know what I mean? Like...

You PK?

Hey, old man.

I got the f***in' munchies real bad.

(Dog) How 'bout you?

OK, Tiffany,

it's time to stop being so sad.

Look at all this mail you got!

Look how many nice people

care about you.

You even got a package from Josh.

Really?

Shall we open it

and see what he says?

Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it.

- (Laughs) It's a tape.

- Oh.

Well, pop it in.

Maybe I should watch this on my own.

Oh, come on.

This'll definitely cheer you up.

(Beth) 'What do you look for

in a girl?? '

'Well, let's see.

She should be smart...'

- (Giggling)

- 'and, um, funny.

'And, uh...

'That's good...that's good, too.'

(Beth) 'What else do you look for?? '

'Um... She should be, uh, attractive.

'And, um, topless.

- 'Uh-huh.'

- 'And she should kiss me.'

(Josh) Bye-bye.

(Grandpa) You boys be good now.

- Bye-bye.

- I'll tell Barry you said hello.

Hey, Jack, have that b*tch make me

some blueberry pancakes. Now.

# Amour, amour

# I built a lovin' machine

# I bow all night long

# I built a lovin' machine

# I bow all night long

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