Road Trip Page #7

# I put the two dollar in

# Three on fought frowned

# Grab a hold of my drummer, baby

# Everybody watch out

# Yeah... #

Excuse me. Ahem.

back slash...

(Sighs) OK, look.

Some people are here

and they are being very rude.

OK. Call you back.

I'm sorry, but we need your help.

- Do you know Tiffany Henderson?

- Room 109.

Well, her grandfather died,

and she asked me

to pick up her mail.

Oh, how sad. Do you have the key?

Well, she didn't bring it to the

funeral so I was hoping you could...

Oh, I'm sorry,

but you need the key.

Don't worry. Her mail will be here,

safe and sound.

It's not like that, you see?

She needs something.

- This is an emergency.

- Don't make a big deal out of it.

Well, it's not a big deal, but

you need the key. Rules are rules.

No one's asking you to do anything

wrong. Just, you know, look away.

Go have an Eskimo pie.

You guys are gonna have to leave.

We're not leaving without that mail.

Listen to the man before you get

some Jackie Chan on your face.

- Come on, let's go.

- That means now, a**hole.

Jesus!

I think he broke my nose. Oh, God!

Come on, Susie.

- You're a wrestler??

- You bet, Mary. You wanna go?

- Let me see it.

- Oh, God!

All right.

- Who's my b*tch?

- What??!

(Groans)

(Receptionist) That's it. No, no, no!

OK, everyone, freeze!

This here is pepper spray,

and we will use it.

(Groaning)

These guys jumped me.

I was just sitting behind my desk!

Kyle?

- Dad?

- That's your dad?

Freeze now! Everybody freeze!

Put your weapon down now!

My son was kidnapped!

Whoa, whoa... Who was kidnapped?

I wasn't kidnapped.

These are my friends from school.

What are you talkin' about??

We all drove down here together.

What??

Then explain to me how

the frigging car got blown to hell!

- Well, see...

- It was stolen.

That's right. Tell him, Kyle.

Uh-huh. Exactly.

Stolen?

What about the damned credit card?

It was inside,

and that was stolen, too.

Bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why

didn't you tell us where you were?

Because I knew you'd get mad! See?

- I'm not mad! You're going with me.

- Josh?

- Tiffany!

- What the... What's going on?

- Nothing.

- Damn, dude, she is hot!

(Beeping)

My girlfriend's pagin' me.

Can we let them go?

- Good idea.

- No one is going anywhere!

- He's comin' with me.

- Get off of me!

I'm going back with these guys.

Shut your mouth and don't talk back.

Why don't YOU shut up?

What the hell did you just say to me?

I said, you shut up.

You've always told me

to stand up for myself.

Well, now I am.

Leave me alone, you jerk!

You ungrateful...

(Screaming and shouting)

- What...

- Go this way.

Go away! Go away!

- (Alarm ringing)

- (Coughing)

What was that all about?? I mean,

Josh, what are you doing here?

I just missed you. That's all.

I missed you, too, but it's crazy

for you to drive all the way here.

What??

I thought you'd be glad to see me.

I am. But Josh, you have your

entire life to live up at school.

This isn't healthy. Besides...

I realised a few things

this past week.

You did? Like what??

Like, we're in college.

The window of opportunity to go out

and have fun and meet new people

is getting smaller by the day.

- It is?

- Come on, Josh.

We've been together forever.

I mean...you're pretty much

the only guy I've ever been with.

What do you mean,

"pretty much the only guy"?

Well, I was 14, and you were away

at camp, but that was years ago.

Besides,

we're in different area codes.

I've been thinking a lot

about us, too.

(Phone)

The real reason I drove down...

Hold that thought.

Hello?

Yeah, he's right here.

Who is this?

Hold on.

It's for you. It's Beth.

Who's Beth?

Uh... (Sighs)

Beth? What are you doing?

I'm not sure what's going on between

us but I need to tell you something.

I'm actually glad you called,

cos I wanted to tell you something.

OK, you first.

I can't really talk right now,

but I'll explain everything

when I get back.

'OK? Really. I promise.'

Uh, I- I gotta get going, OK?

- Wait! Do you want to hear mine?

- Right. Sorry.

Is it good?

Not really. Jacob lied to you.

There's no extension

on your mid-term.

What??

'He tried to trick you. If you

don't get back you're gonna fail.'

Sh*t!

'She should be smart and funny.'

- 'Aren't you glad I called? '

- Yes. Thank you.

I'll call you as soon

as I get back, OK? Bye.

- Is this for me?

- Hmm?

Oh, God, no, no, no! You don't...

What the hell is this?

'I can see myself on TV,

I think it must be rewound.'

It's Barry.

'Hey, look...

'Look at that. I can see my bum.

(Laughs)'

Why would you send this to me?

So wait - you guys broke up,

then you hugged and then you left??

Yeah, pretty much.

Loser! Always have sex with the girl

one last time before you break up.

Everyone knows that!

It's not like that. I've known her

my whole life. She's my best friend.

So, what do we do now?

- Wanna smoke some drugs?

- I don't think so.

My mid-term starts in exactly

Although I'm gonna fail anyway,

so it doesn't matter but...

- Which class was it??

- Ancient Philosophy.

I can teach you ancient philosophy

in 46 hours.

You can?

I can teach a monkey in 46 hours.

You just got to find a way

to relate to the material.

Like, OK...

You like pro wrestling, don't you?

- Who doesn't??

- OK.

Socrates was like

the Vince McMahon of philosophy.

He started it all.

# Can you hear us

pumpin' on your stereo

# Can you hear us

pumpin' on your stereo

# Life is a cigarette

# You smoke to the end

# But if you rocket the middle bit

# Then you burn all your friends

# The wider your eyes,

the bigger the lies

# Yes, it's true... #

Oh, what was the 20-Man Battle Royal??

Participation explains predication.

Aristotle.

Right.

You know this! You'll be fine.

(Robot beeping)

Freeze, right there! Don't move!

Is this philosophy?

(Police sirens and radios)

If you hear anything, give me a call.

A bomb threat is serious.

Take my card.

- PK.

- (Sirens wailing)

(Police radios)

(Cop) OK, let's move it.

What's goin' on

with this bomb threat??

False alarm, people.

Everyone back inside.

We're gonna do this thing.

That's right.

- Josh.

- Beth!

Hey, um...thanks for calling.

Uh, it's been a really weird week.

So, how'd you do?

On the exam? Pretty good, actually.

- You did?

- Yeah.

Were you surprised?

You weren't back

in time for the exam,

so I, uh, called in a bomb threat.

You did that??

(Laughs) That's insane.

I wasn't gonna let Jacob

get you kicked out.

Besides, I might need you

around next semester.

So I did good, right??

Good?

That's the coolest thing

anyone's ever done for me.

Mom?

(Panting) I'm so sorry.

Mom?

I got carried away

with the story there.

(Panting)

So, anyway,

Josh got a B+ on his mid-term.

He got to stay in college.

'And he and Beth are still together.

'They're still really into

making their...home movies.

'In fact, they have about 70 hours

of unedited amateur video.'

It's pretty wild.

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