Robin Hood: Men In Tights Page #2

He was poaching in the king's forest.

He deered to kill a king's dare.

Dared to kill a king's deer.

And this is an offence?

One punishable by death.

Where have you been?

Fighting with King Richard

in the Crusades.

Unfortunately, my father couldn't

get me into the National Guard.

How dare you talk to me in that fashion!

Who are you?

I am Robin of Loxley.

I've heard of you.

They say you're handy with a sword.

Let's find out!

What happened?

I was angry at you before, Loxley...

...but now I'm really pissed off!

Pissed off?

If I was that close to a horse's wiener,

I'd worry about getting pissed on.

This wasn't a very smart thing

for you to have done.

I'll pay for this!

You'll pay for this!

Kill them!

Wait!

I've changed my mind.

Wise decision.

So until we meet again...

...have a safe journey.

Mind the big rocks!

Shut up, you bloody fools!

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Thank you for saving me life, me lord.

I'll tell every man that

there is one who is not afraid...

...to stand up to Rottingham.

Good. Tell them that. And tell them

I vow to put an end to the injustice.

Right the wrongs. End the tyranny.

Restore the throne.

Protect the forest.

Introduce folk dancing.

Demand a four-day workweek and health

care for Saxons and Normans.

Yes, yes!

Good, good.

It's getting dark, and I got

to go home alone now.

Right, right.

What an unusual child.

Where is the one

That I love most of all?

When will I hear him call

Marian, Marian?

He is the one

Who can make my life whole

Joyful forevermore

I've waited so patiently

For a true love

When will he come for me?

Where is he?

Where is he?

Where is the man

Who carries the key?

When will he be...

...with his Marian, Marian?

I cannot wait

Till he sets my heart free

Oh, when will I know him?

When will I see him?

When will I hear him...

...say "Marian, my love"?

Hurry up, mein lady!

You better get out of that tub

before that thing begins to rust.

All right, Broomhilde.

Hurry! Hurry!

It's freezing!

Button up.

You'll catch your death of cold.

These castles are so drafty.

Toasty warm.

Broomhilde, look!

A happy little bluebird.

This means I must make a wish.

I hope against hope...

...I wish against wish...

...that the heavens bring me a kind,

wonderful, gentle man...

...who possesses the key to my...

...heart.

Goodbye, my little friend.

That happy little bluebird has left

a happy little doo-doo on your hand.

Prince John, I must speak with you!

All right, everybody.

Later, later.

Later.

Sire...

...I have news.

What sort of news? Not bad news.

You know I can't take bad news.

The day began so good. I had a good

night's sleep. I had a good b.m.

I don't wanna hear any bad news.

Now what type of news is it?

To be perfectly frank, it's bad.

I knew it!

I knew it was bad news!

Wait a minute, I have an idea.

Maybe if you tell me the bad news

in a good way, it won't sound so bad.

The bad news in a good way?

Yes, yes, I can do that.

The bad news in a good way, yes.

Well, here goes.

Wait till you hear this.

I just saw Robin of Loxley.

He's back from the Crusades.

You know, he just beat the crap

out of me and my men!

You know, he hates you

and he loves your brother, Richard.

And he wants to see you hanged!

We're in a lot of trouble.

What are you, crazy?

Why are you laughing?

This is terrible news!

Well, I was just trying

to soften the blow.

Well, you blew it.

This is a knotty problem

not easily solved.

Yes, you're right.

What to do? What to do?

What to do?

Got it! Latrine!

The weird creature in the tower.

The one who predicts my future.

Oh, yes, Latrine.

Is she ugly!

Latrine!

Latrine, where are you?

I must talk with you!

It's you.

There's a new threat to my power.

What can you tell me

about Robin of Loxley?

Robin of Loxley?

Robin of Loxley.

Let me see.

Raven's egg.

Blood of a hen.

Little bit more blood, yes.

Eyeballs of a crocodile.

Testicles of a newt.

I guess he's a transsexual now.

Robin of Loxley is handsome and brave.

He seeks to regain his family's honour.

The little sod could be trouble.

- Are you certain?

- Certain?

You want certain, hire a witch.

I'm just your cook.

Here.

Eat this.

It's fabulous.

Looks like a Seder

at Vincent Price's house.

Such an unusual name, Latrine.

How did your family come by it?

We changed it in the ninth century.

You mean you changed it to Latrine?

Yeah, it used to be Shithouse.

It's a good change.

It's a good change.

Now, what about this Robin fellow?

How can I stop him?

Maybe...

...I could devise a magic potion.

One that would make him unable

to perform the slightest task.

But in return...

...you must help me.

What are you, kidding?

Name it. Anything you want.

Put in a good word for me

with the Sheriff of Rottingham.

I've got the hots for him.

I keep a likeness of him

in my boudoir.

Rotty.

Rotty, Rotty, Rotty.

I'm amazed to think that a handsome

blade like the Sheriff of Rottingham...

...would ever want a creature

like you.

Well, if you're going

to puncture my dreams...

...you can forget my promise

to help you!

No, wait!

Wait, wait, wait!

Maybe if we got him drunk.

Very drunk.

You got a shot.

Oh, good.

Dismount.

Wait here.

I'll go make sure it's safe.

I say, would you mind awfully

getting out of the way?

I say, not until you pay the toll.

Toll? What toll?

Well, the toll you pay

for crossing me bridge.

I'm not paying any toll.

This bridge is on my family's land.

Well, it used to be my family's land.

You're Robin of Loxley!

And whom might you be?

They call me Little John.

But don't let my name fool you.

In real life...

...l'm very big.

I'll take your word for it.

Now, let me pass.

Sorry.

But a toll is a toll...

...and a roll is a roll.

And if we don't get no tolls,

then we don't eat no rolls.

I made that up.

It's very fascinating, but I'm

afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.

My pleasure. Will!

Thank you.

Hey, Blinkin.

Did you say, "Abe Lincoln"?

No, I didn't say, "Abe Lincoln."

I said, "Hey, Blinkin."

Hold the reins, man.

Damn.

- Excuse me.

- No, excuse me.

You don't have to do this.

Look...

...this ain't exactly the Mississippi!

I'm on one side, see?

I'm on the other side.

I'm on the east bank.

I'm on the west bank.

It is not that critical.

Not the point.

It's the principal of the thing.

Nice knowing you.

Help me!

I can't swim!

I'm drowning!

Oh, God, I'm drowning!

Help me!

Help! Help me!

Help me! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

There, there. You're all right now.

Thank you, Robin.

You saved me life.

- What?

- Air!

Sorry.

There. I'm in your debit.

- Think nothing of it.

- Are you all right?

Let me introduce you to my friends.

That is Blinkin...

...and this is Ahchoo.

Bless you.

That's my name, man.

Let me introduce you

to my best friend.

Will Scarlet.

Scarlet's my middle name.

My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.

We're from Georgia.

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