Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #11

---

To go further up your ass, they blow air.

Now you're a f***ing party favor.

Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! I'm a man. Give me

psi!

You feel like a Piñata, you think little Mexican kids

are gonna come out and go: "Get the presents!"

The air is coming this way. The farts are going:

"Incoming!"

"It's not a... No finger! It's the midget!

"Fall back behind the sh*t, wait for my command!"

"Prepare to make the wet sloppy noise!"

The moment they pull out off your ass, you are on Heaven

road!

Y:
i Rolling, rolling, rolling Keep that colon flowing!

miles, blowing outta you!

You put on your pants and floating like a balloon on

America's Cup.

Come on, Jimmy.

Then you realize... Oh, sh*t, fire in the hole!

Tighten up boys, we're not gonna drop here.

Thank you, doctor. See you next week.

Hold the elevator!

F*** you, you bastard!

Seven flights of stairs.

Everybody you pass, you're going: "It's me!"

Dogs look at you like: "Roll over, man, you're dad!"

You just wanna borrow a match. Give me that!

Flaming a**hole.

That's what you are. You're a flaming a**hole! You're !

And can they make a drug to help you through all of that,

to keep all of your organs intact until your golden years?

No!

Can they make a drug to give you

mental clarity to your golden time? No!

They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra!

Grandpa can have wood again.

- I don't need the walker! - I see that!

And your Grandmother's going:

"Sh*t! I thought the war was over!"

"Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stick me with that

rusty thing!"

People have died on Viagra. They had to have an open

coffin!

"I don't remember Pete being like that."

"Kids, go get some horse shoes".

"He would've wanted it that way."

You used to get that from some strange Chinese

aphrodisiacs.

Humming bird eyelash and rhino horn.

To give you great masculinity.

But now you're on Viagra. You're FrankenCock!

You are the Inseminator!

You are ready to go!

You're gonna be going for one hour, one hour and a half!

Guys are going:
"Yeah!" Women are going:...

'Cause after the first hour, your wife is going:

Yay, oh, big daddy...

Listen, I got sh*t to do, OK?

"Hello!"

"Yeah, I'll be late today. Viagra, f***ing..."

"I'll try and get there. Go outside with that thing!"

You can't go outside with a hard-on

cause the cat just waits for you to go...

And your dog is going: "Wow, you too?!"

Can't go to work like:

- Hey, Bob! - How're you, Pete?

I'm happy to be here today.

Direct traffic, no, you can't do sh*t!

You have to make it go away. You slap it.

It's like one of those Punch-Me clowns.

"I'm not going anywhere!"

You have to freeze it up.

In the old days was...

Now, after an hour and a half,

you've got more semen than the Fifth Fleet.

So, when you go, it's like...

Oh, my eyes!

And your wife goes: "Now you know how it feels, a**hole!"

Aim for the titts, Hawk Eye!

I'm like the Lawn boy. Get out!

Save yourselves!

- Not the drapes! - Too late.. I own them now.

You run out of semen and your testicles are going:

"We still got an erection, chief!"

Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid!

Oh, God, please make this f***ing sh*t go away!

You do every goofy, f***ing orgasmic thing...

Don't touch it!

Don't look at it!

Don't even think about it!

And then you realize that God

gave you a penis and a brain.

And only enough blood to run one at a time.

You have lost thoughts from your childhood.

And then you hear these words from your lady:

"My turn!"

You can't f***ing be serious!

Look at me, I'm Glue Boy! What are you doing?

That's right, Corky! Time to saddle up.

We're heading South of the border.

You gotta please Missy.

I have one question for the ladies:

Do we look like this?

Are you almost there?

No, no, no. I will finish!

I love you!

I love you! I will finish.

I can take it. I just can't feel my tongue.

Who's your daddy?

I love you!

I will finish.

Good night!

Thank you!

Thank you!

This night for New York!

What are we gonna do tonight?

Good night!

You're the best!

We did it!

My pink lady...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes