Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #10

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And they start having nightmares of golf carts going...

Y:
i Yo, yo, yo I'm playing through

Y:
i Whether you're gentile or a Jew

Y:
i Mother f***er!

All the gentle sports are no longer gentle. Tennis used to

be...

Untill the Williams sisters...

- love? - No. That's good love, baby!

Even boxing is changed.

Before people were saying "I go to boxing to watch the

sport of boxing."

like saying, "I go to stock car races

to see people take left turns all day."

No, you go to boxing to see somebody get the f*** beat up.

Even the guy who loses is going: "I have million

dollars."

"I don't know where the f***ing is.

I'm gonna buy me a big ass house, but I can't find it. F***

off!"

Boxing was the same. And then: Mike Tyson!

Mike Tyson comes along and bites somebody.

Let's get ready to nibble!

"Oh, dear God, he bit somebody!"

I'm saying "You're lucky he just bit somebody.

Mike just got out of prison. You're lucky he didn't f***

him."

You bite somebody in jail: "You're ready b*tch, you're

mine!"

- Break it up! - We're not finish.

Mike said to a journalist: "I'm gonna f*** you, too! You

love me."

At that point I'm going: "Someone didn't come here to box,

baby."

Mike said:
"I'm on Zoloft, so I don't kill you, mother

f***ers!"

I'm going:
"Up the dosage, Mike!"

There's all these drugs: Zoloft, Prozac.

I wanna have one drug encompassing it all.

Call it "FuckItAll".

I don't feel anything. I don't wanna do anything.

"FuckItAll"

The closest thing to a coma you'll ever be. "FuckItAll"

I'm sitting here in my own dong. "FuckItAll"!

The scary thing about drugs is that they have horrible side

effects.

"May cause artificial insemination."

What? What do you mean?

There's a product called Olestra, which is a very strange

thing.

Olestra? What is that?

It's said on a little said: "May cause anal leakage."

That's not a side effect if my ass is going...

I'd say that's an effect, really!

"Fire in the hole!" Bad day!

- How you're doing, Bob? - Just a little anal leakage, Ted.

Bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now?

I want science to help me. God, look at me! Look at this!

I had women in NY saying: "Don't wear fur!"

The politically correct... red paint: "F*** off, lady, it's

me!"

I'm a f***ing Chia Pat.

I went to the Zoo and had monkeys go:

Anybody who thinks the Zoo is a happy place,

go watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children.

Watch the fun. The monkeys sit there, like...

"Wait for it".

"Wait till the teacher comes with the video camera."

"Now!"

Because they're not happy.

Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the Panda,

she must mate, so you can build a wing on the Zoo.

They go to China, they anesthetize a Panda,

which is kinda redundant...

They bring him back to America and give him a name like

Ping Pong.

When his Chinese name was Who Shu Ko Hu,

Bear with Balls of Steel.

They put him in a cage with Ling Ling, saying: "Go, mate!"

He looks at her like: "I would never f*** her!"

"That is one ugly Panda b*tch."

"If you were Panda, you'd know that's the f***ing ugliest

Panda b*tch."

I wouldn't have f*** her with a Koala's dick!

F*** off!

I would rather lick my own balls, than f*** that Panda

b*tch!

There's only one animal who can tell you

if she's happy and wants to mate.

That is Coco, the silver back Gorilla.

She saw me, the blue eyed simian.

She was intrigued.

She said to her trainer...

- What is that mean? - She wants you to tickle her.

OK, I tickle her...

Then she goes...

- What is that mean? - She wants you to lift your shirt.

I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples.

And when an pound Gorilla's got you by the titts...

you listen!

Then my balls went: "Somebody wants to play."

- Should we go to phase two? - NO! Do not go to phase two!

"I repeat! Do not go to liftoff!"

"This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of

the tumbs."

"This is not a human!"

"Do not go to phase two!"

"Warning! Warning!"

She must've sense something, 'cause she grabs me by the

hand,

takes me in the back. Daktari meets Delivrance.

I'm expecting the Crocodile Hunter to walk out and go:

"Cranky! She wants to f*** his brains out."

"Watch out, boys and girls. Danger! Danger! Danger!"

"This could be like that time I put my finger in a crock's

cloette."

But part of me went: "Could be fun!"

Would make a great story for a bar.

A guy's going:
"I had a wild night in Vegas."

"Yeah? I banged a Gorilla."

"Where's everybody going?"

And you don't want that late night phone call: "Hello?"

"Don't call me!"

Maybe it's because I'm .

When you hit the old machinery doesn't work so well.

You're at a public rest-room: "How're you doing? Great game

today."

"Oh, boy!"

What's happened is: your prostate is bigger than your ego

now.

When you're in your s, you go to the doctor they have to

do the old...

First time is:
"Oh, my God!"

"I'm just putting on the glove, Mr Williams"

I went back the second time and I moaned another doctor's

name.

Don't do that!

- Who's Dr Smith? - You're the only one!

When a woman has to go to the gynecologist,

you don't want a doctor who has a hobby.

You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician.

You don't want:
"How are we today? Uh, a dove!"

"What's this?!"

"Is this your card?"

I don't want a doctor who's a proctologist and

ventriloquist. No!

How you're doing today?

Take your hand out' of my ass. I'm not a Muppet. Move it!

In your s it's no longer the... It's the ortho-

proctoscope.

The colonoscopy. That's what W did.

It's a video camera at the end of a rodeo rudder.

And it's going up you!

Suddenly, you're your own Discovery Channel Special.

"Slowly, we're going up Robin's colon."

"This must be what you see."

"Slowly up ahead, a burger he had in ' ."

- Is that a polyp? - That's a fart, Mr Williams.

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