Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #9

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"Vhat was that noise?"

In their big hollowed up country,

with their chocolate and their watches. Ya!

The nice Germans. Ya!

Or, as they like to say, "the other white race."

I have only one question:

How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on it's

knife?

Many of you, men, have never open a Chardonnay under fire.

You take out the wine bottle, put out the cock and throw.

Y:
i I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be

self-cold

My God! Where did all this Impressionistic art come from?

And all these jewelry from to ?

Fairies must've brought it during the night.

I have to do the Heimlich coughing on an account number.

I know this one thing...

I know there's one country that's not developing a weapon

of destruction.

That does not have a secret weapons' lab up in the

mountains.

Jamaica!

Howdy, man!

Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb.

They may make an atomic bong.

When the atomic bomb goes off,

there's devastation and radiation.

When the atomic bong goes off, there's celebration!

Smoke a split for the communion.

If you don't see Jesus than, you never will.

I know only one thing.

I never met me an angry pot smoker.

I never met a man who said: "Hey, you f***ing prick!"

"Oh, f***!

What was I gonna do?!"

"Hold me, you piece of sh*t. Get over here!"

Because you see, marihuana...

I know this one. Wait a minute.

If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket

scientist.

Or maybe...

If you seen some of the things that happen lately to NASA,

maybe you can.

The Mars Lander...

I did the calculations in feet,

but I programmed the Lander in meters.

So, instead of landing, f***er buried!

million dollars... oopsy!

Two years... splat!

OK, f***! Here's a better one!

The Hubble Telescope...

I forgot to put in a lens.

Read the top line. "Officer Jerry, serial..."

"The rest is just a black hole."

I once called Steven Hawking. "Hello, this is Steven

Hawking"

- I'd like to leave a message. - No. This is Steven

Hawking.

I know one thing though.

Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods.

Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy mother f***ers

there.

Guys going:
"Hey, f*** you, my man!"

"Hey, listen to me."

"Listen to me, you piece of sh*t."

"You do not know sh*t about f***, my man."

"You want a piece of yourself?"

"Step outside, I'll kick my ass".

"I've already sh*t myself. I'm half way there".

You can deal with the genetic.

If you're Irish, you've got a running start

that you can do it better than we are.

Not only will you kick my ass, but you'll sing about it,

afterwards.

Y:
i "Oh, the night you said my wife was fat,

Y:
i I knocked you down and sh*t in your hat."

And you keep drinking 'till you're in your s and you're

on a dialysis,

doing liver dancing Michael Flatline.

They say the Irish saved civilization,

drank a couple of Guiness

and forgot where they f***ing put it. But that's all right!

The Japanese drink differently than us.

You could be polite during the day

and all of a sudden you're: "Arigato gozaimas"

And after five Jack Daniels: "Tide the yellow ribbon!"

Karaoke for an a**hole with a microphone.

Sing, you round eyed f***, come on!

If ya want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a

Scotsman.

'Cause ya couldn't f***ing understand them before...

You land in Scotland and they're going:

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah?

- Sure. - Oh, f*** sure, eh!

- Sure! - Sure, you dumb f***ing bastard.

You realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and

not care!

And only they could invent a sport like golf.

Here's my idea for a f***ing sport.

I knock a ball in a gopher hole.

- Like pool? - F*** off pool.

Not with a straight stick, with a little f***ed up stick.

I whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole.

- Oh, you mean like croquet? - F*** croquet!

I put the hole hundreds of yards away.

Oh, f*** of ya ! Big fun, yeah!

- Oh, like a bowling thing? - F*** no!

Not straight. I put sh*t in the way.

Like trees and bushes and high grass.

So you can lose you f***ing ball.

And go hacking away with a f***ing tire iron.

Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you'll

have a stroke.

F*** that's what we'll call it, a stroke,

cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna f***ing

die.

Oh great, oh and here's the better part. F***, this is

brilliant!

Right near the end, I'll put a little flat piece

with a little flag to give you f***ing hope.

But then I'll put a little pool and a sand box,

to f*** with your ball again.

Ay, you'll be there cracking you ass, jacking away in the

sand.

- And you do this one time? - F*** no!

f***ing times!

That's my idea of a sport!

The manly sport of golf,

where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care.

Even a gay blind man would go: "Oh, dear Christ!"

"Those are loud. This is no carnival. What a f*** are you

on?"

Even the alligators are going: "A**hole!"

It's such an athletic sport: whack the ball, get in the

car.

Whack the ball, get in the car.

And the commentary's electrifying.

Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going.

Third hole.

Could people be quiet, I'd like to hear the grass grow.

I'd like the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one

time.

The ball is ready.

Hole!

Just to see al those waspy mother f***ers going:

"Oh, dear Christ!"

"My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh,

sh*t!"

What a hell we gonna do? That was their last domain of

dominance.

It was their area. They were the kings.

Up until Tiger!

Son of a black man and a Thai woman.

Not even a German geneticist could've thought than one up!

Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration.

Crouching Potter.

And than he goes to the British Open,

and he plays at Saint Andrews, who the f***ing invented the

sport.

And after the forth round, he's under par.

And there's only f***ing holes.

And all the old men going: "My God, we're doomed!"

"How did he learn to play? We wouldn't have let him join."

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