Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #8

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I'm sorry I'm transforming Joe into Ralph Cramdon.

Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very

Jewish.

You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee and then you get Mary and

Joe.

We're just a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob.

We could've had Jim Bob, the son of God.

Praise to him, Jim-Bob

He, who finds the stuff And gets me a job, Jim-Bob

Jesus was an only child. Thank God!

Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ?

That's a tough gig.

"Come on, Jerry, we're going to the beach."

Jesus's gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them

and get a whole bunch of disciples.

I'll sat there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day

for me!

He ends up in a bar at the age of going: "Yeah, I'm

Jerry Christ.

Yeah, I healed somebody. Come here Spot, heel! Look at

that!"

Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber. You do the math!

And people say to me Jesus wasn't Jewish... of course he

was Jewish!

Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents,

come on.

Working in his father's business,

his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it

up!

It's an old tradition!

And if he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were

Jewish,

for the Last Supper, would they not have gone out for

Chinese?

'Welcome to Yahweh. Hold on one minute; no service, no

sandals.

Okay, you come in now.

You're twelve. All I got is two tables of six. They're not

together.

I also have a table by the window, but you all have to face

this way.

You are glowing, so I guess we don't need that lamp, that's

very nice!

You've just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken,

you very good!'

It's said that night, he turned to his disciples,

and said:
"One of you shall betray me."

Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus?" Jesus said, "It is not you

Peter."

Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus?" Jesus said, "It is not you

Simon."

And Judas said:
"Is it me, Jesus?"

Jesus turned to him: "Is it me, Jesus?"

Thus you see two traditions beginning:

Jewish sarcasm and Gentile humor. Together born!

The next day the miracle occurred: Crucifixion,

Resurrection

and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow

another years of guilt. Yes!

For me, the one big question is: how do you get

Crucifixion, Resurrection

and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs?

How do you do that one?

Even kids are going: "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is

this?"

And you don't want a kid biting the head off a chocolate

Jesus.

You don't want a cream filled cross going...

You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going:

"We're looking for Jesus, kids, come one!"

What are we trying to do? You're trying to keep them

involved.

That's why we have all the saints that did all those

amazing things.

They're all there to keep your action up.

And then we're starting to loose them.

Like Saint Christopher:

"Chris, sorry, babe. Dashboard sales are down."

"The medals aren't selling well.

Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you're

outta here."

We're gonna have Saint Prada, all ladies accessories.

But I want a saint like Mother Teresa.

She said:
"You can do only small things with great love."

And Pat Robinson said: "She's not a real Christian!"

"Why? 'Cause she doesn't have tag shelter and a

university?"

Mother Teresa never had a line of products, her own

perfume:

"Compassion" by Mother Teresa.

"I smell, because I care. Compassion!"

Gandhi never had 'Gandhi Jeans',

whether you're simply not eating and tell the English to

get the f*** out.

They come in size one and below.

Gandhi was an amazing man.

They asked him:
"What do you think about Western

civilization?"

He said:
"I think it would be a wonderful idea."

As beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay

bar going:

"I know Gandhi. He was a prick."

"I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hitting on Mother

Teresa."

"He kept saying: Who's your diaper daddy?"

"I saw that with my eyes.

If you don't believe me, I'll b*tch slap you like Shiva."

"Don't press this. Don't f***ing do that!"

Don't go ding-dong, you a**hole!

'Cause India has the atomic bomb, my friend.

They could turn this place into Chicken Chicha.

India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb.

And we're preparing to fight over Kashmir.

And your president probably thought it was a sweater. What

an a**hole!

India detonated ground nuclear tests.

Pakistan detonated ground nuclear tests.

And your spy satellites were like Ray Charles in the

Louvre.

They didn't have a f***ing clue.

India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb.

China has the bomb.

Or maybe they just have one billion people going "Bum!"

Russia has the bomb. "We have many bombs."

We don't know were they all are.

Maybe you want a dirty bomb.

And the French have a bomb, too.

Maybe they have a bomb that only destroys

restaurants under four stars.

They still test their bombs. They still need their bombs.

Where did they do the underground test?

In the Sahara, in the total waste land?

No, f*** off! In Tahiti! In paradise.

Why? "Because we're French."

"Look a Green Peace boat coming to protest.

F*** off, I sink you."

"I'm the badest mother f***er, am I not?"

"Look, I'm giving a cigarette to a baby."

"Suck on the cigarette. Life is sh*t. Get to know this."

"You, Americans. F*** all of you Americans!"

"Americans, you politically correct. You cultureless crack

Americans."

"We hate all of you. F*** off!"

"The Germans are here. Hello, Americans!"

"I love you! Come on, Americans."

"Welcome back, Americans."

"You can build the Disneyland near Paris."

"We won't go, but build it."

"I will have a Minnie mouse with armpit hair. It will be

great!"

Smoking a Galloise, going: "I never loved Mickey".

"He has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? F***

off!"

"Don't love him!"

But there is one country that watches out for all of us:

the Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention.

If there's ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people

going:

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