Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #7

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Or Virgils going: "You got a pretty face!"

Ossama Bin Laden goes to the gates of Heaven,

there's George Washington going:

"How dare you defy that what we created"

and gets violent on his ass.

other members of the Congress start kicking the sh*t outta

him.

Ossama:
"Where are the virgins?"

" Virginians, you a**hole!"

"I must talk to Jesus Christ!"

"Where is Jesus Christ?"

And Saint Peter goes: "Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab?"

I heard it. Finally the PC's.

We crossed the politically correct line.

It's OK to beat the sh*t out of them, but don't do the Ethnic

jokes.

How Buddhist of you!

Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas?

What did Buddha do? Nothing!

What is the Buddhist terrorist do?

Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas... Self

barbecue!

People are killing each other in the name of God:

"What the f*** are you doing?"

Making your deal with your sh*t.

I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing.

I'm an Episcopal. That's catholic light.

Same religion, half the guilt. It's frightening.

Catholics have confession, Episcopals have:

"Thanks Giving your father has a couple of gin and tonics"

"I never loved you mother, you know that, don't you?!"

"I didn't, dad. And she's right there. Tell her again."

Episcopal is basically Church of England which was Henry the

-th

breaking away from the Catholic Church: "I'm the f***ing Pope

now!"

Than people broke away from that church,

the Calvinists found him to be too loose.

Than the Puritans broke away from the Calvinists, our

ancestors,

people so uptight, the English kicked them out.

How anal do you have to be for the English to go: "Get the

f*** out!"

"Take your pimp shoes and go!"

And they land here in America going: "Hello!"

"We bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol."

"Here chief, try this and once you drunk it,

keep moving towards your feathers flow. There you go!"

And the Indians go: "We have a gift for you."

For us is a secret herb. For you it will be an addictive

carcinogen.

"Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash drop, yeah."

"Welcome to Clusters. The Casino that cares.

This is my wife. She sits for the full house.

It's time for the white men to get drunk.

And we'll get back the land you took from us."

The Puritans stayed here and groups broke away from them

and then we got the people who knock on your door

at :
am on Sunday going:

"Have you found Jesus?"

You just wanna come to the door nude and go:

"No. Help me look for him! Come on!"

People like Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell say:

"This was brought upon us by our sinful ways."

I wanna put them on a plane, take them to the ayatollah

and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling.

One time only. A life after death match for all of our

souls.

Let's get ready to humble.

Here's the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be "the word".

Not translatable, not metaphorical: "the word".

In the Genesis, "Let it be light!" could be a metaphor for

the Big Bang?

No. God just went click.

We are all descendants from Adam and Eve. So we are all

cousins.

That's right.

There are miracles in the Bible.

Like when Moses, and I'm not talking Guns'N'Moses, no!

Not Charlton Heston going:

"Let the Jews go or pharaoh gets two in the head. No!

Charlton Heston, who said:

"Guns don't kill people... Apes with guns kill people."

No, Chucky! The second amendment

started from people going like this...

And that still continues. That's OK!

When Moses said to pharaoh: "Let my people go".

And pharaoh went: "In your dreams!"

And Moses called the God: "God, I need some help!"

And frogs fell from the sky.

Or maybe there were Jews with catapults going: "Now!".

Thank God it wasn't the French, 'cause they would go:

"Lunch!"

"You're great caterers, I can't let you go, you crazy

people!"

Frogs fell from the sky. I would be going: "Get your sh*t

and out!"

I said wait a minute! That's what we should drop on

Afghanistan.

Not bombs, not food... F***ing frogs!

Frogs, lizards, hamsters, sh*t the Heaven seen.

If you wanna get people out of caves, a sh*t load of NY

rats.

NY rats would be going: "Hey, come on, raid!"

"I eat p*ssy literarily. Bring it on!"

Even then pharaoh was not impressed: "Please, David

Copperfield, no!"

And then boils and then first born dies.

"That's it! Hebrews get out!"

And everybody...

Let's not wait for the bread to rise.

Just get the crackers and the skin off your penis. We're

leaving.

Excuse me! Why the skin off the penis?

We're traveling, people. You don't want sand in there.

And this is so passé! The dicky thing, forget it. Let's

move!

We're going to the desert. Then they get the

commandments,

that would be adjusted later by certain presidents.

And they get to the Red Sea.

And they go:
"What now, Mr Magic, what do we do now?"

We're gonna walk on the "fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks...

Frogs backs!

Thank you for watching me this far.

Obviously, I did inhale.

"What do we do now, Mr BigShot?"

And he calls to God again and the sea parts.

And even the most doubting Jew is going: "You're good!"

Let's move, don't eat the shellfish. I'll tell you why

later.

Where are we going?

To Jerusalem to start years of struggling,

and later to Miami to f*** up an election.

And then the pharaoh comes, the sea closes and he calls his

cat-like God

but the cat-like God can't do sh*t, 'cause it's afraid of

water.

And then there's another miracle.

The night that Mary said to Joe: "Joe, I'm pregnant."

Joe went:
"Holly Mother of God!" She went: "You're right!"

- Oh, Jesus Christ! - What a great name, Joe!

That is so much better than Shmul. Way to go!

- I love you, Joe! - Hold on a minute, Mary.

- So I'm the step father? - Yeah.

I can't discipline him, I can't tell him he's wrong,

'cause he'll look to me saying: "You're not my real dad."

- How did it happen? - It's immaculate, Joe.

It better be, Mary! It better be immaculate!

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