Romance and Cigarettes Page #5

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- Dad?

- Yeah.

I'm going into wedlock.

So what did your mother say?

She says I can't...

She says I can't marry no one. I'm...

I'm too young.

So she's against it.

Right.

And so am I.

What?

You guys don't even

talk to one another anymore.

Well, I don't have to talk to your mother

to agree with her.

That doesn't make any sense.

There's a lot of things in this pothole

of a life that don't make sense.

But you do them.

It takes me a good, solid hour

plus coffee and a cigarette

to evacuate in the morning.

Does that make sense? No.

But I do it, because when I'm high up

on that bridge, I don't have a choice.

Okay.

Don't overreact.

Let me finish what I'm saying.

What do you mean

we don't know each other enough?

- I've known you since you were born.

- I know that we...

I know. But we don't know each other like

we're getting to know each other right now

and I don't want to hop in right now.

I want to date...

Let me tell you something, Baby.

It's all or nothing with Fryburg, okay?

All or nothing!

You take all of me

or you take none of me. I live right there.

How am I gonna show my face in this

neighbourhood if you don't marry me now?

Don't say that right now. Let's just...

We love each other...

What do you want me to do? You want me

to change? Fryburg can't change.

Fryburg stays like this.

- You fell in love with this.

- Don't take that away from me.

That's it! And you know what?

You're not in my band anymore.

Oh, God.

That's not what this is about...

You're not in my band anymore!

- Oh, God.

- Get back here

and let's finish the conversation...

- I loved you!

- ...Iike mature adults!

No not loved. Get back here!

Hello.

Can I help?

Twat did you say?

Do you need help?

C*nt hear you. Scum a little closer.

What did you say?

What kind of underwear

do you think a man fancies?

- Depends on the man.

- A man with a moustache.

What sort of moustache?

A dirty one.

Dirty black one?

Yeah. You hit the nail on the head.

I like doing that.

I'm in the market for some underwear.

The, uh

kind of underwear

that makes a man lose his mind.

Okay, well, I can help you with that.

You know, a long time ago

women didn't wear underwear

if they were well-bred.

Only prostitutes wore panties.

Right. I didn't know that.

Well, now you know.

Right. Do you want to follow me?

Oh, God, I'm dying!

No, you're not, sir.

I'm dying! I'm dying!

Where is the pain, sir?

Stomach! It's his stomach.

What did you eat, sir?

What was the last thing that you ate?

You said you were gonna leave some

for me. That was a four-pound tub!

You ate the whole tub?

How you doing, Mr Murder?

How you doing? How's married life?

Better, sir. Much better.

Thanks for your words of wisdom.

- He tried to kill his self.

- With what?

Black Liquorice.

You tell your mother I apologise.

You tell her

men are seaweed. Women are oak trees.

Amen. Men die young.

They think they ladies' men, 24l7.

Attila of the Springs and sh*t.

Lips raw with love and then they be dead.

You tell your mother I'm truly sorry.

I know your tragedy.

What tragedy?

You got a loose one.

Loose what?

P*ssy.

F*** you! What did you say?

Wide f***ing shores.

You calling me used goods?

Who the f*** are you?

Second-hand love doesn't work for me,

b*tch.

Don't worry, love.

I lose interest in a man

as soon as he begins to care for me.

I'm gonna rip your can wide open!

# Hee, hee, hee

Stop it!

I'll kill you!

# Hee, hee, hee

Get your fingers off me

you stupid cow!

Kick that big, red butt.

Why you try to kill yourself, sir?

# Well brunettes are fine, man

And blondes are fun

# But when it comes to getting

a dirty job done

# I'll take a redheaded woman

# A redheaded woman

# It takes a redheaded woman

To get a dirty job done

I'm going to break your face!

# Well, listen up, stud

your life's been wasted

# Till you've got down on your knees

and tasted

# A redheaded woman

# A redheaded woman

# It takes a redheaded woman

# Get a dirty job done

The one in the middle's mine

she looks dirty!

# Well, I don't know how many girls

you've dated, man

# But you ain't lived till you've had

your tires rotated

# By a redheaded woman

# Redheaded woman

Ow!

# It takes a redheaded woman

get a dirty job done #

Well, she done

made that man sick.

It's no picnic being a guy.

Right? It's hard.

I mean, If I was a woman

I would have been a prostitute.

I broke up with Wanda.

Her ass was a travesty.

There's just some things you can't overlook.

What is going on out there?

Get him, get him!

Well, I'd run too, if I was gonna be a steak.

Oh.

Mrs Murder. Nice to see you. How are you?

Every breath is a victory.

Hiya, Mom.

Don't you, "Hi, Mom" me.

I told you. I told you!

In the sixth grade, I told you

"Never tell a woman your business."

"You just do your thing

and you keep it to yourself!"

Maybe I should go.

Sit down!

I've got one foot on the banana peel

and one foot in the grave.

And you do this to me?

You have got dinosaur balls, buster.

I should have clopped them off

when you were a kid.

I'm your son, Ma! I could use some help.

Does it look like I'm wearing

a white uniform?

I'm supposed to be number one.

You overshot your boundaries, number one!

You go and get yourself a mistress

and on top of that

you got yourself circumcised!

Jesus! We're not even Jewish!

I told him not to do it.

Shut up! Who asked you?

You're just like your father. And your

grandfather. May they rest in peace.

Oh, yeah.

Nicholas Nicotine.

Wolf lungs. The doctor says

he's got wolf lungs. They're all black.

Did I tell you his grandfather

tried to have sex with me?

Really?

I'm telling you.

Told me my husband was a boy.

That he could do things to me

that I couldn't imagine.

Sexually?

Well, yeah, sure.

He wasn't talking about going to Jersey.

Jersey.

That man, my father-in-law

had more ass than the seat on a toilet.

Once he had an affair

with his architect's wife.

He had them over to the house.

Right in front of his wife, he said to me

"You take care of him

and I'll take care of her."

Like I was his whore!

You can't do that nowadays.

His own daughter-in-law.

He was dancing with her.

He was a good dancer.

And the woman

Mrs Thompson was her name

she had no bloomers on.

I seen it when he twirled her.

My mother-in-law was in the kitchen

pulling her hair out.

And now this bastard goes and does

the same thing.

It's in the genes. He can't help it.

That long ago dance.

I'm telling you

I don't think I'm over it yet.

Three generations of whoremasters.

Ever been on a plane?

No. Never.

Someday.

Yeah. Someday.

- Look, Tula...

- Nicky?

You shaved your moustache.

Yeah, yeah. It's gone.

Forever?

You know, I could never...

I can never find the right words to say

what I'm trying to say.

Then don't say anything.

We gotta stop.

No. No, it doesn't.

- Yeah. We're through. It's over.

- No!

Come on. We deserve each other.

Huh. You may be right about that, but...

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