Room Service Page #4

Binelli, into that bed.

No, it's no good. I'm not registered.

Faker. Get into that bed.

No, he's no good, too. He's not registered.

- Davis. What's the matter with you?

- Yeah, you look terrible.

- Well, I feel fine.

- No, you don't.

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you fellows trying to do to me?

- You've got to play sick.

- No! No!

- You can't let me down.

- But I'm in good health.

- You've got a contagious disease.

- Yeah, the measles.

- I've had the measles.

- It's a relapse.

Faker, get the iodine

and give him a good case of measles.

Wait a minute. Give me a chance to think.

It's a-no time to think.

This will keep us in the hotel.

Couldn't I have a disease

with my clothes on?

Hey, leave me alone, will you?

What are you going to do to me?

Hey, make it bigger.

That don't look like a measle.

That looks like a freckle.

- Come on. Would you leave me alone?

- All right, all right.

Now, take it easy.

No!

Oh, that's a-beautiful!

You're a second Michelangelo.

Slip this to him while I step outside

and see if the coast is clear.

It's Room 920.

I want to get them out right away.

Don't worry, boss. We'll have them right out.

I'll show them

they can't fool around with me.

Here comes trouble.

- Not me, boss. Not me.

- Well, what the...

Jumping butterballs!

I'm weak.

If I don't get something to eat

pretty soon, I'm gonna collapse.

Say, we're just as hungry as you are.

Yeah, but you fellows are used to it.

I've never gone without food

for 18 hours before.

It's all a matter of will power

if you just make up your mind.

I can make up my mind, all right,

but I can't do anything with my stomach.

How about a two-handed game

of pinochle while we're fasting?

No, I'm just going to concentrate

on the food.

If there was only something left

we could hock.

How about that moose head?

Oh, no, you don't!

I shot him with my own hands.

I ate him up to the neck,

but I refuse to part with the rest of him.

If I could get my watch out of hock,

I'd hock it again.

I'm so hungry I see spots before my eyes.

Me, too.

Mine are beginning to look like hamburgers.

If you see one with onions, save it for me.

My mother is the best cook in Oswego.

All right, all right,

you're breaking my heart.

- Room service.

- Better use a different dialect this time.

Hello? This is Dr Glass.

Glass, the house physician.

The patient in Room 920 is very ill.

He must have food immediately.

He just developed a tapeworm.

Tapeworm?

I see.

He said the tapeworm will have to register.

Two hours ago, you told me

Faker was coming up here with a turkey

that he won in a raffle.

Maybe he's getting it stuffed.

I didn't say he won it exactly.

I said he was going to win it.

After all, he's running the raffle.

He has as good a chance as anyone else.

All you've done is take advantage of me.

You pawned the silver frame

off my mother's picture.

You stole my roller skates.

And you even took 67 cents

out of my pocket while I was asleep.

Well, I had to feed a cast of 22 people,

didn't I?

I wasn't here 10 minutes

when you'd pawned my typewriter.

That isn't even my property.

I still owe money on it.

Why, I may even be arrested.

Gee.

- What's the matter?

- My head's going around.

Must have been something you ate.

Get into that bed!

Come on, come on, hurry up. Get in.

Oh.

How do you do,

Impresario?

Oh, hello, Mr Smirnoff.

Oh! I am sorry.

You don't feel good, Mr Davis?

I promised Mr Smirnoff

we'd hear him read the part of the father.

Thank you, Mr Davis.

Binelli, we might have a part for Sasha.

Well, maybe.

Stand over there, Sash.

Turn around.

- What do you think, Binelli?

- He looks just right to me.

I could eat him raw.

Sasha, could you get us a meal

out of the hotel?

But they shut you off room service.

I know, but if you could

make a little mistake

like delivering the right meal

to the wrong room...

Deliver a meal to the wrong room?

We got a terrific part for you.

A terrific part?

Yes, but it's so terrific that unless

Davis gets some food in his system,

he'll be too weak to tackle it.

I don't care about food for myself, Sash,

but if you let a great American author starve

to death, his blood will be on your hands.

You know what the penalty is

for murder in this country?

Well, I just left a big order

on service elevator.

I got to deliver him upstairs,

but I don't know.

You see, I take big chance.

It might lead to a Hollywood contract.

Hollywood!

Gentlemen,

you are singing music in my ears. I...

But if Mr Wagner find out...

Think of the other Russians

who made good in the same way.

- Gregory Ratoff.

- Nazimova.

Ginger Rogervitch.

Three years I slave in the kitchen.

I no got courage.

But now, I got courage. I do it.

Gee, he has a lot of talent.

Sure.

I've seen him carry 12 dishes at one time.

- How do you do?

- I'm looking for Mr Leo Davis.

- And who are you?

- My name is Timothy Hogarth.

I represent the "We Never Sleep"

collection agency.

Come in, Mr Hogarth. Come in.

It's a pleasure to meet a man

who never sleeps.

You must come up and take a nap some time.

Yes, do. Say, maybe we can

go in vaudeville together.

You never sleep, and we never eat.

- Well, er... is Mr Davis about?

- No, Mr Davis is not here.

How soon will he be back?

Mr Hogarth, I have bad news for you.

I'm afraid he's never coming back.

Gone away?

They took him away.

- Is he ill?

- Worse than that. He went crazy.

Glory be!

I'm sorry to hear that.

But I understand

that he got in from Oswego yesterday.

No, he escaped from Oswego.

Poor man.

Well, there's a matter of $42

due on his typewriter,

which I've been delegated to collect.

I'm afraid you'll never get it.

He tore up all his money.

He must be out of his mind.

Well, in that case,

I'll have to take back the typewriter.

- Oh, he took it with him.

- To the madhouse?

He likes to hear the little bell ring.

Well, I've never made any collections

in a madhouse.

I have my orders.

- Where did they take him?

- The maternity hospital.

Maternity hospital?

But I thought you said he was crazy.

Well, if he wasn't crazy, he wouldn't go

to the maternity hospital, would he?

You can't miss him.

Second straitjacket to the left.

By the way,

don't mention it to the hotel people.

Oh, no, no.

I understand.

- Good day, gentlemen.

- Good day.

Good day.

You shouldn't have told

him a thing like that.

Why not? You can't sue a lunatic.

Well, they may send a letter to my mother.

So what?

Your mother knows you're not crazy.

Gee, I don't know where I'm at.

Mr Gribble says I owe $600,

downstairs they think I've got a tapeworm,

and this man thinks I'm a lunatic.

Did you get the turkey?

The man with the food!

- Stop. Close the door.

- I got it.

Surround the turkey.

Well, we had no cranberries anyhow.

- Gentlemen, I bring you banquet.

- Food!

I'll come back for the dishes.

Snap the lock, Sash.

Well...

I hate to double-cross that Russian waiter,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes