Room Service Page #5

but we can't fire the actor we've got.

He's been rehearsing seven weeks now

without pay.

You mean, you promised him the part

just to get a meal out of him?

No, that's not quite true.

When I made that offer,

I was prepared to go through with it.

But now that I've eaten,

I see things in a little different light.

Hello? For you, Davis.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Hilda.

Oh, no, I'm not really sick.

I can explain everything.

All right, I'll meet you down in the lobby

right away.

Oh, yeah, I'd love to.

Goodbye.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to meet the woman I love.

But you're supposed to be sick in bed.

That's the only thing

that's keeping this play alive.

The fact that we've got a sick man here.

Don't you want the play to go on?

Now, listen, fellows,

you've starved me and robbed me,

and I've gone along with you

because I thought I owed it to the play.

Well, there's one thing more important

than any play, and that's love.

- It only comes once in a lifetime.

- Well, once is enough for me.

I'm going now, and I'll brain

any man that tries to stop me.

It's a fine thing. Yesterday we wanted you

to go home, you didn't want to go.

Now we want you to stay, you want to go.

- Make up your mind.

- My mind is made up.

Love.

He talks just like one of the characters

in his play.

I don't know. I like a-love.

I like it, too, but there's a

time and a place for everything.

I like it any time.

Hey, Faker, how about you?

Was you ever in love?

Of course, I like them a little bigger.

I'll get it.

- Hello, Christine.

- Hello.

Well, where did this banquet come from?

One of the waiters wants to be an actor.

And I borrowed $2 from the porter,

dashed out of the office,

and expected to find you all

gnawing at the carpet.

- Got the contract?

- Copied it right from Fremont's vest.

It's in the bag,

next to the corned beef sandwich.

- Is this it, with the mustard on it?

- Yeah.

You know, I think I'm going to like this.

I never had a contract

with mustard on before.

- Open the door!

- Wagner.

Faker, get into that bed. You got to play

sick. Christine, sit over there, and play nurse.

Faker, get in there, and start groaning.

Just a minute.

- Get that banana out of your mouth.

- Where's the iodine?

- He's supposed to have the measles.

- Never mind. He's got a tapeworm now.

Open the door!

Just a minute, Mr Wagner. There seems

to be something wrong with this lock.

- Miller, how did that meal get here?

- Dr Glass ordered it for the patient.

Dr Glass did nothing of the kind.

- I refuse to argue with a house dick.

- I'm not a dick. I'm a doctor, Dr Glass.

I want to know how this meal got up here.

Can't I get to the bottom of anything?

They check in. They check out.

They skip. They don't skip.

They get sick. And now this meal.

I'll fire that waiter.

I'll fire the whole darn kitchen!

Quiet, please. There's a patient in the room.

- Mr Davis has a tapeworm.

- Last night it was the measles.

I'm not responsible for complications.

He's got laryngitis, too.

We had to get a nurse.

That groan doesn't sound authentic to me.

Wait a minute. That's not Davis.

I met Davis yesterday,

and he didn't look anything like that.

Certainly not. The man's aged 10 years

on account of the service in this hotel.

Well, his hair wasn't red yesterday.

It's a very rare case.

He's got a red tapeworm.

Well, there's certainly something screwy

going on around here.

Will you consent to have this Davis removed

to a hospital at the expense of the hotel?

It's up to Dr Binelli.

What do you think, Doctor?

The patient is too sick to be moved.

- How do you feel, young man?

- He's hungry all the time.

Please let the patient speak for himself.

How can he speak for himself

when he's got laryngitis?

I insist the patient speak for himself.

There you are. You heard what he said.

I wish you'd hurry, Doctor.

It's time for the patient's nap.

He won't sleep till I find out

what's going on here.

Miller, you've committed fraud.

The only thing that keeps me

from putting him out this instant

is the remote possibility that this man

might have some disease.

- His pulse is normal.

- That's what you think, you little quack.

Quack? I refuse to be insulted.

Doctor, I question your ethics.

I'll have you investigated.

Say ah.

No, no. Ah.

No, ah.

Ah! Ah!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

You'll never be able to see the tapeworm

that way.

- Gribble, I thought you knew better.

- Mr Wagner...

Allowing yourself to be hoodwinked

this way by a...

This is all so unnecessary.

I handle my guests in a different way.

And I don't like your way!

It's not the White Way way!

I'm the manager here and I refuse

to allow you to insult my guests.

- What guests? The whole 19th floor is empty.

- You locked them out!

Yes, and I'll lock out this deadwood, too.

I'll show you.

You and who else?

Can't you take it down

to your office and argue?

There's a sick man here.

Hurry up, Doctor. Do something!

Get him healthy! Get him out of here!

Now, calm down, Wagner.

My backer will be here any minute.

I'm not interested in your backer.

All I'm interested in

is getting this man out of here.

Where are you taking him?

I always consider the modesty of my patients

I'll step out of the case.

I have terrible news. He has disappeared.

Disappeared?

- He's not in the maternity hospital.

- He's gone.

They transferred him...

to the county hospital.

Go, my friend,

before they transfer him again.

- County hospital? But I...

- There's no time to lose. Scram.

- Hail and Farewell.

- Hail and Farewell.

- Hail and Farewell.

- Hail and Farewell.

Wonderful.

- Terrific.

- Sensational.

I didn't think you could do it.

How did you like it, Wagner?

That was a scene from our second act.

Miller, I've been a hotel man for 30

years. I've been in all sorts of...

Hello! Eh?

Yes, this is Mr Wagner.

What's that?

19 people? Jumping butterballs!

19 people were discovered

living in the ballroom.

Throw them out! Come on, Gribble.

We'll find out about this.

- Now, Wagner...

- Hail and Farewell.

He's gonna throw my entire cast

out of the hotel.

Christine, get down,

and tell them all to wait in the lobby.

All right.

That man is perfectly well.

Mr Wagner will be glad to find it out.

Listen to me for one minute, will you?

Tell him tonight, tomorrow, but not now.

I'll tell him right now.

- I'll give you a piece of the show.

- I don't want it.

- I'll put your name in the programme.

- I don't want my name on the programme.

Put that fake doctor's name

on the programme, whoever he is.

I'm going down and tell...

Where's my bag?

- What have you done with my bag?

- You must've left it in the bathroom, Doc.

What are you doing

with this bag here?

- We've got nothing against you, Doc.

- That's it! I just can't...

BINELLl:
Just take it easy, Doctor.

Now, it'll only be for a little while.

- You shouldn't have kissed me.

- I just couldn't help it.

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